If you don't want to read a little angst, skip this one folks.
One of the best and worst things in the world is knowing that your brother would willingly beat a former lover to within an inch of his life with just a breath of affirmation. He's awesome.
Yesterday and today I really missed the aforementioned Former Lover. I'm asking myself why and I believe it may have something to do with the Holidays. You know, mistletoe and the traditional New Year's Kiss and shit. It's stupid, but it seems more and more that the more I try to stay away from him, the more it feels like he's standing right next to me, almost tauntingly and I can't quite figure why. It's not like I'm trying to forget because I'm not. Much to my credit or my discomfort (both, I guess) it isn't in my nature to have a selective memory. It's not like he misses me, though he may, I don't know. Maybe I'm just mad that I didn't get the last word. Maybe I'm pissed because he was honest. Because he wasn't everything I ever dreamed of and yet HE left ME. Maybe it's knowing that if he does think of me, it must be all the time. Come to think of it, he must. He sees my brother every day, Woodland is covered with Oak trees which he knows I love, he still has the posessions I left at his place, the tupperware that my best friend left behind with the eerily accurate knowledge that she would never see it again. Little reminders of me everywhere that must bug the ever loving piss out of him. Maybe worse for me, I love him and miss him. Yet whenever I dream of him it's in anger or relief, but nothing in between which is where I believe life exists, especially where he is concerned. I don't want to see him or hear from him or talk to him but a piece of me needs to know he's all right, he's growing, evolving, healthy, fufilling his dreams, and completely miserable without me, wanting me there.
Yesterday and today I really missed the aforementioned Former Lover. I'm asking myself why and I believe it may have something to do with the Holidays. You know, mistletoe and the traditional New Year's Kiss and shit. It's stupid, but it seems more and more that the more I try to stay away from him, the more it feels like he's standing right next to me, almost tauntingly and I can't quite figure why. It's not like I'm trying to forget because I'm not. Much to my credit or my discomfort (both, I guess) it isn't in my nature to have a selective memory. It's not like he misses me, though he may, I don't know. Maybe I'm just mad that I didn't get the last word. Maybe I'm pissed because he was honest. Because he wasn't everything I ever dreamed of and yet HE left ME. Maybe it's knowing that if he does think of me, it must be all the time. Come to think of it, he must. He sees my brother every day, Woodland is covered with Oak trees which he knows I love, he still has the posessions I left at his place, the tupperware that my best friend left behind with the eerily accurate knowledge that she would never see it again. Little reminders of me everywhere that must bug the ever loving piss out of him. Maybe worse for me, I love him and miss him. Yet whenever I dream of him it's in anger or relief, but nothing in between which is where I believe life exists, especially where he is concerned. I don't want to see him or hear from him or talk to him but a piece of me needs to know he's all right, he's growing, evolving, healthy, fufilling his dreams, and completely miserable without me, wanting me there.