Sleeping Patterns (6/6)
Title: Sleeping Patterns (Part 6 of 6)
Author: echo_fangirl
Characters: Connor/Lester (angsty pre-slash)
Rating: PG
Words: 2,363
Spoilers: Season 3, starting at 3.05
A/N & Thanks: Thank you to fredbassett, who very generously beta'd and cleaned this up for me!
Disclaimer: Not mine, as nice as it would be
Previous parts:
( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3 ) ( Part 4 ) ( Part 5 )
---
Part 6:
This was, simply put, a problem. This was not what Lester had intended at all.
As hard as it was to believe, the silence in the car on the drive home was even more uncomfortable than it had been on the first few trips back home with Connor. Therein, Lester mused, lay the problem. It wasn't just 'home' any more, it was ‘home with Connor’. It didn't matter how much Lester tried to rationalise it, he wanted Connor with him. Did it count as Stockholm Syndrome if he was the one who had invited his tormentor to stay in the first place? Either way, the young man had woven himself into Lester's life so thoroughly that the idea of his absence made Lester feel hollow and abandoned.
But there was no denying that Connor had quite clearly been hiding from him since that incredibly ill-advised kiss. He even had a suspicion that, when he had eventually found him to drive him home, Connor had been trying to arrange alternative accommodation with one of the SF soldiers. Lester didn't even want to think about the jealousy he had felt at that moment.
Despite all that, Connor was in the car now, they were headed home together, and everything felt wrong. Connor's fidgeting was not borne of enthusiasm but of uncertainty. His silence didn't flow from contentment, but from fear. This was, in effect, the worst possible scenario. A monumental problem.
After almost eight minutes of mutual silence, it was inevitable that they would both choose the same moment to speak.
"I wanted to explain...."
"I don't exactly..."
They both stopped again, then Lester offered, "After you."
Connor nodded.
"I don't exactly know what..." he stopped again, looking at the roof, then exhaling loudly. "Never mind, it's nothing. What were you saying?"
Lester was no stranger to interrogation. Maybe not the water-boarding, strapped to a chair, electrodes in sensitive places type of interrogation, but certainly the more political kind; the kind where pointy little civil servants with beady little eyes would ask leading questions and use every answer against you. Lester had long since mastered the skill of not saying things which would get him into trouble. Unfortunately, this left him with almost nothing he could say to Connor.
"I want to clarify. This morning, I wasn't attempting to force you into anything against your will. I was in no way implying that I expected anything from you but professionalism, and nothing which happened there has any bearing on your future success in the anomaly project. I want to make that clear, because top secret governmental projects do not coexist happily with sexual harassment cases."
"Oh," said Connor. He actually sounded disappointed. "Okay."
There were a few minutes more of silence, then Connor started up again.
"I didn't mind it, not really, you just surprised me. That was the only thing. Well, I was surprised and confused. So I guess that's two things."
"I do hope this doesn't degrade into a recitation of the Spanish Inquisition sketch." Lester interjected. Connor looked at him, startled, then grinned.
"Surprise and fear! Two things!" he quoted mischievously. "Fear and surprise! And ruthless efficiency! Three things!" Connor's chirpiness echoed inappropriately in the small space. His grin slipped back to a preoccupied look. "I just..." Connor eventually started. "Well, I'm pretty bad at reading people. I'm not like you, the way you know what people are thinking straight away. I misread people all the time. I mean, look at Abby, I always thought she was interested in me, the whole 'sending me signals' thing, but then if I tried to start something she'd always tell me that I was wrong. So if I'm wrong then tell me, and I'll shut up about it, I promise, no sexual harassment claims or anything, but... when you kissed me, was that a signal? As in, you know, a signal?"
Lester watched the road with an unwarranted focus. He wasn't sure why, but the idea of looking at Connor at that moment terrified him. "I think that you may not be as bad as you think, when it comes to reading people. I have observed many mixed signals from Abby as regards you, so you have every right to be confused by them."
Even in his peripheral vision, Lester could see Connor furrowing his brow. "Oh. Thanks, I guess..." Connor answered slowly. "But... was that a 'no' then? Or a 'yes'?"
"What you need to understand Connor, is that these things are quite complex. You have been grieving and I have been the person offering you a safe place to do so. In addition and for lack of a better term, I am your boss. My earlier remark about sexual harassment suits should not be taken lightly. Workplace relationships are troublesome enough when you're not trying to operate one of the most secret operations in the history of the Commonwealth."
"Okay." Connor pushed on, "But that's not really what I'm confused by. I'm okay with either answer, yes or no, I really am, I'd just like to know."
Lester teased at his bottom lip. Connor was not normally so hard to distract. "It is a provisional 'yes'. A 'yes' with caveats."
"Huh," Connor said thoughtfully, watching Lester for a few moments before starting to show the barest hint of amusement. "You're not really very good at romance, are you?"
Lester risked taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at Connor. He looked curious, thoughtful. There was no outright rejection, but there was also no particular sign of enthusiasm.
Connor tilted his head to the side. "You were married though," he stated.
Lester nodded, turning his eyes back to the road.
"Up until late last year, yes. For ten years, as it happened."
"But.. to a girl." Connor elaborated.
Lester nodded again.
"I expect she would prefer the term 'woman' rather than 'girl', but yes; my wife was of the female persuasion."
"I'm not a girl," Connor pointed out helpfully.
"I had noticed that, yes." The traffic lights ahead thoughtlessly turned amber, even though there was no traffic crossing in front of them. Lester slowed down.
"And that's not a problem for you?" Connor asked.
Lester looked out of his window to his right, avoiding eye contact. This was not a part of his identity that he had ever made widely known. In all honesty, it was not something he had ever felt comfortable sharing with anyone.
"It does complicate things somewhat. Being attracted to a woman is a great deal more acceptable, socially and politically speaking. But no, your gender does not affect my sentiment." The light turned red.
"Oh." Connor said finally. "Okay then. That's interesting."
Lester was starting to regret the effort he had put into finding Connor this evening to take him home. If he had just let Connor find a handy soldier to stay with tonight, then this painfully uncomfortable situation could have been avoided.
"I do want to stress that you are under no obligations," Lester repeated, "I have no expectations of you. You have a place in my house for as long as you need it regardless of how you feel. I didn't offer it under false pretences. I most likely shouldn't have acted the way I did today in my office, but what's done can't be undone. If you would like, though, we can act as though it never happened." It was an escape route. It was always necessary to give negotiating opponents an appropriate escape route. A way of backing down without losing face. Lester just wasn't entirely sure whether it was an escape route for Connor or for himself.
"Cool. Good. That's good information. Helpful information," Connor replied.
It had the feel of someone saying one thing while thinking about something else entirely. Lester felt his ears getting warm, although it was hard to say which potential outcome was causing the precipitating nervousness.
"The light's gone green," Connor said.
Lester's brain practically flew through all the possible interpretations he could for that phrase before realising that it was just an observation of the traffic lights they had stopped at. He shook himself mentally and engaged the accelerator.
Lester felt Connor watching him.
"Just making absolutely sure here, but like I said, I misread things sometimes. We're definitely talking about starting a relationship, not just boss or friend but the other kind. The kind with quotation marks around 'relationship'. Right?"
Lester nodded, all too aware that the escape route he had set up earlier was getting harder and harder to take.
"Okay," Connor said, sounding more confident than he had since before they got into the car. "That's what I thought... Um... Could you pull over?"
Lester couldn't bring himself to look at Connor. "Are you feeling unwell?"
"Nope".
Lester's heart sank. He would never have admitted, even to himself, how much he had wanted Connor to say yes. 'Yes' would have meant that the request to stop had nothing to do with his own surprisingly personal confession. 'No' meant... He didn't even want to think about it. It didn't matter now, what mattered was damage control.
"I see. Connor, I do want to stress that you are welcome at my apartment for as long as you want regardless, but if you don't want to stay then I am happy to drive you to wherever it is you'd feel more comfortable. You don't have to get out and walk."
"What?" Connor asked, obviously confused, "Where else would I be going? And why would I get out and walk there?"
Lester did look across at Connor now, just for a moment, and was perplexed by what he saw. "You said you wanted me to pull over. If you're not feeling unwell, and you don't want to get out of the car, then why on earth would you ask me to pull over on a major road only six minutes from home?"
Connor's lip quirked upwards and his eyes mischievously lit up his face. "'Cause I want to try kissing you properly, and I think that's kind of a driving hazard."
Lester pulled the car over exactly four seconds later.
---
Lester awoke to a face full of fluffy, brown hair and an arm full of soft, warm Connor. It was 6:25, and as usual he had woken just a few minutes before the alarm ticked on. In a pleasant break from tradition though, his night's sleep had not been interrupted by Connor's nightmares.
He carefully extricated one arm from the tangle of Connor, then reached across to flick off the alarm. There was no reason to let it disrupt Connor's rest. Lester unfolded himself from around his young partner and slipped out of the bed into his waiting slippers.
He made it as far as the door before he heard Connor move.
"Where are you going?"The words were sleepy and muffled, yet still quietly plaintive.
"It's morning, Connor. I'm getting ready for work. On time. Something you might consider trying at some point."
"Are you coming back?"
Lester looked at Connor with a mixture of amusement and affection. "It's Wednesday. We have to be at work in two hours. I very much doubt that I will be coming back in the mean time."
"But eventually, you'll come back?"
There was more to that question then the words implied. Much more. Fortunately, Lester was very good at loaded questions.
"Always, Connor. I'm not going to go anywhere away from you for long."
Lester was immediately treated to one of those smiles that lit up Connor's whole face, and the rest of the room right along with it. "Right now, though, I'm going to get myself some coffee."
Connor perked up further at that. "From the coffee machine? Can I have some too?"
"You know the rules, Connor. If you want coffee, you have to get up at a reasonable time."
Connor nodded. "6:45?" He asked.
"All right," replied Lester.
"What about 7:00?"
"I suppose that would be acceptable."
"7:15?"
"No."
"7:10 then?"
"Connor!"
---
Epilogue (some months later)
Lester took out a single mug and placed it on the kitchen bench. He filled the kettle, but didn't switch it on.
He followed his routine. He was a creature of habit, Connor had said as much many times over the past few months, and he saw no particular reason to change just because Connor wasn't around to observe it.
He watched the news for half an hour, then he talked on the phone with his children. He explained to Michael that there was nothing under his bed even after the lights went out. He reassured Charlotte that he would be there for her piano recital on Thursday. When Josephine asked if his friends had been found yet, he replied in the negative.
"I'm sorry Dad, I'm sure they'll find them soon."
He washed the dinner dishes, and tidied his desk. He fed the diictodons, then rounded them into their cage. The two had been quiet, almost lethargic since Connor hadn't come home. Lester wasn't sure whether they were sick or just sad. He had considered taking them back into the ARC, but giving them up seemed too much like giving up on Connor's return, so the two leathery little terrors were allowed to stay.
He went back to the kitchen, staring at the single mug standing lonely on the table. He had a feeling he wouldn't sleep uninterrupted through the night, and a cup of hot water always...
He caught his breath and his thoughts before they went to far down that path. He closed his eyes briefly, then went over to the cupboard and retrieved a second cup. He placed it next to the first.
Just in case.
Author: echo_fangirl
Characters: Connor/Lester (angsty pre-slash)
Rating: PG
Words: 2,363
Spoilers: Season 3, starting at 3.05
A/N & Thanks: Thank you to fredbassett, who very generously beta'd and cleaned this up for me!
Disclaimer: Not mine, as nice as it would be
Previous parts:
( Part 1 ) ( Part 2 ) ( Part 3 ) ( Part 4 ) ( Part 5 )
---
Part 6:
This was, simply put, a problem. This was not what Lester had intended at all.
As hard as it was to believe, the silence in the car on the drive home was even more uncomfortable than it had been on the first few trips back home with Connor. Therein, Lester mused, lay the problem. It wasn't just 'home' any more, it was ‘home with Connor’. It didn't matter how much Lester tried to rationalise it, he wanted Connor with him. Did it count as Stockholm Syndrome if he was the one who had invited his tormentor to stay in the first place? Either way, the young man had woven himself into Lester's life so thoroughly that the idea of his absence made Lester feel hollow and abandoned.
But there was no denying that Connor had quite clearly been hiding from him since that incredibly ill-advised kiss. He even had a suspicion that, when he had eventually found him to drive him home, Connor had been trying to arrange alternative accommodation with one of the SF soldiers. Lester didn't even want to think about the jealousy he had felt at that moment.
Despite all that, Connor was in the car now, they were headed home together, and everything felt wrong. Connor's fidgeting was not borne of enthusiasm but of uncertainty. His silence didn't flow from contentment, but from fear. This was, in effect, the worst possible scenario. A monumental problem.
After almost eight minutes of mutual silence, it was inevitable that they would both choose the same moment to speak.
"I wanted to explain...."
"I don't exactly..."
They both stopped again, then Lester offered, "After you."
Connor nodded.
"I don't exactly know what..." he stopped again, looking at the roof, then exhaling loudly. "Never mind, it's nothing. What were you saying?"
Lester was no stranger to interrogation. Maybe not the water-boarding, strapped to a chair, electrodes in sensitive places type of interrogation, but certainly the more political kind; the kind where pointy little civil servants with beady little eyes would ask leading questions and use every answer against you. Lester had long since mastered the skill of not saying things which would get him into trouble. Unfortunately, this left him with almost nothing he could say to Connor.
"I want to clarify. This morning, I wasn't attempting to force you into anything against your will. I was in no way implying that I expected anything from you but professionalism, and nothing which happened there has any bearing on your future success in the anomaly project. I want to make that clear, because top secret governmental projects do not coexist happily with sexual harassment cases."
"Oh," said Connor. He actually sounded disappointed. "Okay."
There were a few minutes more of silence, then Connor started up again.
"I didn't mind it, not really, you just surprised me. That was the only thing. Well, I was surprised and confused. So I guess that's two things."
"I do hope this doesn't degrade into a recitation of the Spanish Inquisition sketch." Lester interjected. Connor looked at him, startled, then grinned.
"Surprise and fear! Two things!" he quoted mischievously. "Fear and surprise! And ruthless efficiency! Three things!" Connor's chirpiness echoed inappropriately in the small space. His grin slipped back to a preoccupied look. "I just..." Connor eventually started. "Well, I'm pretty bad at reading people. I'm not like you, the way you know what people are thinking straight away. I misread people all the time. I mean, look at Abby, I always thought she was interested in me, the whole 'sending me signals' thing, but then if I tried to start something she'd always tell me that I was wrong. So if I'm wrong then tell me, and I'll shut up about it, I promise, no sexual harassment claims or anything, but... when you kissed me, was that a signal? As in, you know, a signal?"
Lester watched the road with an unwarranted focus. He wasn't sure why, but the idea of looking at Connor at that moment terrified him. "I think that you may not be as bad as you think, when it comes to reading people. I have observed many mixed signals from Abby as regards you, so you have every right to be confused by them."
Even in his peripheral vision, Lester could see Connor furrowing his brow. "Oh. Thanks, I guess..." Connor answered slowly. "But... was that a 'no' then? Or a 'yes'?"
"What you need to understand Connor, is that these things are quite complex. You have been grieving and I have been the person offering you a safe place to do so. In addition and for lack of a better term, I am your boss. My earlier remark about sexual harassment suits should not be taken lightly. Workplace relationships are troublesome enough when you're not trying to operate one of the most secret operations in the history of the Commonwealth."
"Okay." Connor pushed on, "But that's not really what I'm confused by. I'm okay with either answer, yes or no, I really am, I'd just like to know."
Lester teased at his bottom lip. Connor was not normally so hard to distract. "It is a provisional 'yes'. A 'yes' with caveats."
"Huh," Connor said thoughtfully, watching Lester for a few moments before starting to show the barest hint of amusement. "You're not really very good at romance, are you?"
Lester risked taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at Connor. He looked curious, thoughtful. There was no outright rejection, but there was also no particular sign of enthusiasm.
Connor tilted his head to the side. "You were married though," he stated.
Lester nodded, turning his eyes back to the road.
"Up until late last year, yes. For ten years, as it happened."
"But.. to a girl." Connor elaborated.
Lester nodded again.
"I expect she would prefer the term 'woman' rather than 'girl', but yes; my wife was of the female persuasion."
"I'm not a girl," Connor pointed out helpfully.
"I had noticed that, yes." The traffic lights ahead thoughtlessly turned amber, even though there was no traffic crossing in front of them. Lester slowed down.
"And that's not a problem for you?" Connor asked.
Lester looked out of his window to his right, avoiding eye contact. This was not a part of his identity that he had ever made widely known. In all honesty, it was not something he had ever felt comfortable sharing with anyone.
"It does complicate things somewhat. Being attracted to a woman is a great deal more acceptable, socially and politically speaking. But no, your gender does not affect my sentiment." The light turned red.
"Oh." Connor said finally. "Okay then. That's interesting."
Lester was starting to regret the effort he had put into finding Connor this evening to take him home. If he had just let Connor find a handy soldier to stay with tonight, then this painfully uncomfortable situation could have been avoided.
"I do want to stress that you are under no obligations," Lester repeated, "I have no expectations of you. You have a place in my house for as long as you need it regardless of how you feel. I didn't offer it under false pretences. I most likely shouldn't have acted the way I did today in my office, but what's done can't be undone. If you would like, though, we can act as though it never happened." It was an escape route. It was always necessary to give negotiating opponents an appropriate escape route. A way of backing down without losing face. Lester just wasn't entirely sure whether it was an escape route for Connor or for himself.
"Cool. Good. That's good information. Helpful information," Connor replied.
It had the feel of someone saying one thing while thinking about something else entirely. Lester felt his ears getting warm, although it was hard to say which potential outcome was causing the precipitating nervousness.
"The light's gone green," Connor said.
Lester's brain practically flew through all the possible interpretations he could for that phrase before realising that it was just an observation of the traffic lights they had stopped at. He shook himself mentally and engaged the accelerator.
Lester felt Connor watching him.
"Just making absolutely sure here, but like I said, I misread things sometimes. We're definitely talking about starting a relationship, not just boss or friend but the other kind. The kind with quotation marks around 'relationship'. Right?"
Lester nodded, all too aware that the escape route he had set up earlier was getting harder and harder to take.
"Okay," Connor said, sounding more confident than he had since before they got into the car. "That's what I thought... Um... Could you pull over?"
Lester couldn't bring himself to look at Connor. "Are you feeling unwell?"
"Nope".
Lester's heart sank. He would never have admitted, even to himself, how much he had wanted Connor to say yes. 'Yes' would have meant that the request to stop had nothing to do with his own surprisingly personal confession. 'No' meant... He didn't even want to think about it. It didn't matter now, what mattered was damage control.
"I see. Connor, I do want to stress that you are welcome at my apartment for as long as you want regardless, but if you don't want to stay then I am happy to drive you to wherever it is you'd feel more comfortable. You don't have to get out and walk."
"What?" Connor asked, obviously confused, "Where else would I be going? And why would I get out and walk there?"
Lester did look across at Connor now, just for a moment, and was perplexed by what he saw. "You said you wanted me to pull over. If you're not feeling unwell, and you don't want to get out of the car, then why on earth would you ask me to pull over on a major road only six minutes from home?"
Connor's lip quirked upwards and his eyes mischievously lit up his face. "'Cause I want to try kissing you properly, and I think that's kind of a driving hazard."
Lester pulled the car over exactly four seconds later.
---
Lester awoke to a face full of fluffy, brown hair and an arm full of soft, warm Connor. It was 6:25, and as usual he had woken just a few minutes before the alarm ticked on. In a pleasant break from tradition though, his night's sleep had not been interrupted by Connor's nightmares.
He carefully extricated one arm from the tangle of Connor, then reached across to flick off the alarm. There was no reason to let it disrupt Connor's rest. Lester unfolded himself from around his young partner and slipped out of the bed into his waiting slippers.
He made it as far as the door before he heard Connor move.
"Where are you going?"The words were sleepy and muffled, yet still quietly plaintive.
"It's morning, Connor. I'm getting ready for work. On time. Something you might consider trying at some point."
"Are you coming back?"
Lester looked at Connor with a mixture of amusement and affection. "It's Wednesday. We have to be at work in two hours. I very much doubt that I will be coming back in the mean time."
"But eventually, you'll come back?"
There was more to that question then the words implied. Much more. Fortunately, Lester was very good at loaded questions.
"Always, Connor. I'm not going to go anywhere away from you for long."
Lester was immediately treated to one of those smiles that lit up Connor's whole face, and the rest of the room right along with it. "Right now, though, I'm going to get myself some coffee."
Connor perked up further at that. "From the coffee machine? Can I have some too?"
"You know the rules, Connor. If you want coffee, you have to get up at a reasonable time."
Connor nodded. "6:45?" He asked.
"All right," replied Lester.
"What about 7:00?"
"I suppose that would be acceptable."
"7:15?"
"No."
"7:10 then?"
"Connor!"
---
Epilogue (some months later)
Lester took out a single mug and placed it on the kitchen bench. He filled the kettle, but didn't switch it on.
He followed his routine. He was a creature of habit, Connor had said as much many times over the past few months, and he saw no particular reason to change just because Connor wasn't around to observe it.
He watched the news for half an hour, then he talked on the phone with his children. He explained to Michael that there was nothing under his bed even after the lights went out. He reassured Charlotte that he would be there for her piano recital on Thursday. When Josephine asked if his friends had been found yet, he replied in the negative.
"I'm sorry Dad, I'm sure they'll find them soon."
He washed the dinner dishes, and tidied his desk. He fed the diictodons, then rounded them into their cage. The two had been quiet, almost lethargic since Connor hadn't come home. Lester wasn't sure whether they were sick or just sad. He had considered taking them back into the ARC, but giving them up seemed too much like giving up on Connor's return, so the two leathery little terrors were allowed to stay.
He went back to the kitchen, staring at the single mug standing lonely on the table. He had a feeling he wouldn't sleep uninterrupted through the night, and a cup of hot water always...
He caught his breath and his thoughts before they went to far down that path. He closed his eyes briefly, then went over to the cupboard and retrieved a second cup. He placed it next to the first.
Just in case.