why write?
this is going to be an attempt to write more, to get whatever is clogging my brain out and organized, or at least reduce it to a more manageable mess.
anyone I've spoken to in the last 2 months has heard me say how busy I am and how I have no time for anything except getting ready for grad school. I have been doing that, but the truth is it wasn't all that time-consuming.
first, there was studying for the GRE, which I never ended up re-taking because of [insert lame excuse here]. I don't think I ever really had any intention of re-taking it, but I spent a lot of time studying for it anyway.
then there were the applications. stressful though the process might be, when you're doing it a second time it really gets reduced to filling out forms, sending emails, ordering transcripts and scores. in this day and age all of that can be accomplished in a day from a computer (except ordering GRE scores; ETS refuses to get with the times so you still have to order additional scores over the phone).
now I have to get ready for the interviews. this is probably the only legitimately time-consuming part since it involves reading piles and piles of scientific journal publications, which are dense and boring at best, sometimes completely impenetrable. that I am going to spend the next month actually working on. not an excuse.
I spent so much more time on all these things than was necessary. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing at all. my reasons for doing it however are a different story. sure, I care a lot about going to school. I'd venture to say it is the single most important thing for me at this point in my life. but I could have done all of that without dragging my feet so much, without trying to bury myself in applications and papers. but I wanted to. it's become something for me to hide in, much like my work is.
it's a way of shifting focus away from the things in my personal life that are upsetting and complicated, because focusing on those means trying to make sense of them. my career and school, however--those things inherently make sense; I don't have to try to untangle them, to find logic and reason behind messy emotions. and that is easy to deal with, that I can handle. as long as I can understand something, I can deal with it.
this past year has been very overwhelming. so much has happened, both good and bad, which left me completely emotionally exhausted. there is just so much that I simply do not wish to understand or pick apart or deal with right now. so I hide. there is a lot to hide from--family, friends, lovers; all the people that came and went, all the ways in which my life has changed.
I feel like a kid, with my hands to my ears and eyes shut tightly, screaming "you don't exist!" to all of it, all the unresolved things that demand my attention.
so this is why I write, and will continue to write, because I can't explode as long as there is somewhere to put all of this...
anyone I've spoken to in the last 2 months has heard me say how busy I am and how I have no time for anything except getting ready for grad school. I have been doing that, but the truth is it wasn't all that time-consuming.
first, there was studying for the GRE, which I never ended up re-taking because of [insert lame excuse here]. I don't think I ever really had any intention of re-taking it, but I spent a lot of time studying for it anyway.
then there were the applications. stressful though the process might be, when you're doing it a second time it really gets reduced to filling out forms, sending emails, ordering transcripts and scores. in this day and age all of that can be accomplished in a day from a computer (except ordering GRE scores; ETS refuses to get with the times so you still have to order additional scores over the phone).
now I have to get ready for the interviews. this is probably the only legitimately time-consuming part since it involves reading piles and piles of scientific journal publications, which are dense and boring at best, sometimes completely impenetrable. that I am going to spend the next month actually working on. not an excuse.
I spent so much more time on all these things than was necessary. that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing at all. my reasons for doing it however are a different story. sure, I care a lot about going to school. I'd venture to say it is the single most important thing for me at this point in my life. but I could have done all of that without dragging my feet so much, without trying to bury myself in applications and papers. but I wanted to. it's become something for me to hide in, much like my work is.
it's a way of shifting focus away from the things in my personal life that are upsetting and complicated, because focusing on those means trying to make sense of them. my career and school, however--those things inherently make sense; I don't have to try to untangle them, to find logic and reason behind messy emotions. and that is easy to deal with, that I can handle. as long as I can understand something, I can deal with it.
this past year has been very overwhelming. so much has happened, both good and bad, which left me completely emotionally exhausted. there is just so much that I simply do not wish to understand or pick apart or deal with right now. so I hide. there is a lot to hide from--family, friends, lovers; all the people that came and went, all the ways in which my life has changed.
I feel like a kid, with my hands to my ears and eyes shut tightly, screaming "you don't exist!" to all of it, all the unresolved things that demand my attention.
so this is why I write, and will continue to write, because I can't explode as long as there is somewhere to put all of this...