(no subject)
I'm really not sure what to make of the place I live in. I used to think my home was faithfully strong, and willing to let me worship how I choose.
I told my mom today that I was going to go to Bible study with Lee and Jon and all them. She told me that she wasn't sure that it was a good idea. That I would be missing out on the worship that a church could give me. That Ma seems to have her own interpretation, and her own church, and her own thing going on. Not the fellowship or perspective that other churches have.
And that made me want to cry.
"Is nothing I do ever good enough for you?" I asked her. And she looked at me with a stunned expression on her face. She said that, for now, this would probably be good for me. Until I find a church home. I told her that I felt God more strongly during that time than I had in a long time, and she told me that a good Bible study can be good for that, but it can't replace a church.
I feel so lost. I remember going to camp as a child and coming home feeling invigorated and ready to praise and celebrate. And then the feeling of emptiness that the church had as time went on. I remember going to churches in Europe, in Paris and Rome, and the feeling of awe and holiness, that those places were revered and sacred. And the feeling of uncertainty and self-consciousness in the churches here.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to feel God touch me. But I feel nothing. I know He hasn't abandoned me, and I know He hears my cries for help and guidance. But why don't I get any response? Why do I hear silence? Why do I feel so alone?
"How many times have you tried to pull one over on me?
Always mess with me and try to get the best of me
Lookin' back, all the pain that you put me through
Why would i fall for a fool like you?
Now you're talkin' like I've never played the game before
Save your empty words 'cause I don't wanna hear no more
Basically you're trying to take control of me
But you're not what I wanna be
I know everything about you
Yesterday has come and gone
I'd be better off without you
No lookin' back, I'm moving on
Never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never goin' back even if I see you around, no
No, I'm never goin' down like this
You've been dismissed
Let me break it down one more time
No, you're never gonna change my mind
That was then this is now things are different
No, you're not what I'm livin' for
I know everything about you
It's funny how the tables turn
I'll be better off without you
Now you're the one who's gettin' burned!
Never steal, never steal, never steal
Never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never goin' like it if I see you around, no
No, I'm never going down like this
You've been dismissed
On a falling star you got to where you are
And you think you've got the right to own my heart
But my affection doesn't lie in your direction
You want to hold me with a lock and key
Cover my eyes so i cannot see
But in the end we all know who wins
You are over, over, over
Never steal, never steal, never steal
You'll never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never going back even if I see you around, no
No, I'm never going down like this
You've been dismissed."
~-~ Dismissed by ZOEgirl
I told my mom today that I was going to go to Bible study with Lee and Jon and all them. She told me that she wasn't sure that it was a good idea. That I would be missing out on the worship that a church could give me. That Ma seems to have her own interpretation, and her own church, and her own thing going on. Not the fellowship or perspective that other churches have.
And that made me want to cry.
"Is nothing I do ever good enough for you?" I asked her. And she looked at me with a stunned expression on her face. She said that, for now, this would probably be good for me. Until I find a church home. I told her that I felt God more strongly during that time than I had in a long time, and she told me that a good Bible study can be good for that, but it can't replace a church.
I feel so lost. I remember going to camp as a child and coming home feeling invigorated and ready to praise and celebrate. And then the feeling of emptiness that the church had as time went on. I remember going to churches in Europe, in Paris and Rome, and the feeling of awe and holiness, that those places were revered and sacred. And the feeling of uncertainty and self-consciousness in the churches here.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to feel God touch me. But I feel nothing. I know He hasn't abandoned me, and I know He hears my cries for help and guidance. But why don't I get any response? Why do I hear silence? Why do I feel so alone?
"How many times have you tried to pull one over on me?
Always mess with me and try to get the best of me
Lookin' back, all the pain that you put me through
Why would i fall for a fool like you?
Now you're talkin' like I've never played the game before
Save your empty words 'cause I don't wanna hear no more
Basically you're trying to take control of me
But you're not what I wanna be
I know everything about you
Yesterday has come and gone
I'd be better off without you
No lookin' back, I'm moving on
Never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never goin' back even if I see you around, no
No, I'm never goin' down like this
You've been dismissed
Let me break it down one more time
No, you're never gonna change my mind
That was then this is now things are different
No, you're not what I'm livin' for
I know everything about you
It's funny how the tables turn
I'll be better off without you
Now you're the one who's gettin' burned!
Never steal, never steal, never steal
Never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never goin' like it if I see you around, no
No, I'm never going down like this
You've been dismissed
On a falling star you got to where you are
And you think you've got the right to own my heart
But my affection doesn't lie in your direction
You want to hold me with a lock and key
Cover my eyes so i cannot see
But in the end we all know who wins
You are over, over, over
Never steal, never steal, never steal
You'll never steal the song of my lips
I'll never bow down to give you a kiss, no
You'll never steal my innocence
You've been dismissed
Do your best to try to pull me down
I'm never going back even if I see you around, no
No, I'm never going down like this
You've been dismissed."
~-~ Dismissed by ZOEgirl