HORRORSCOPE time!!!!!11!!!1oneone!
TAURUS:
LUCKY COLOR: aubergine
LUCKY NUMBER: i8^(1/2)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will develop a passion for HAVING CANCER which will consume you within 48 minutes of reading this horoscope. Please take the time to read all STAR magazine affiliated products. In the meantime, you will explore a new food, like pills. YOU WILL EAT THEM, ALL OF THEM!
LEO:
LUCKY COLOR: saffron
LUCKY NUMBER: cos(-2)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will find a shiny penny, you lucky person! AND THEN YOU WILL CHOKE ON IT BECAUSE YOU WILL PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH LIKE AN ANIMAL! BUT, while you are choking, your one true love will magically appear (did you know that it's a DUDE????) and try valiantly to save your life with the Heimlich maneuver. He will FAIL because he will use a SLEDGEHAMMER like an ANIMAL!!!
GEMINI:
LUCKY COLOR: chartreuse
LUCKY NUMBER: 89!
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: Your zodiac sign will merge with Aquarius to form AQUEMINI. This means all Aquarius who will pass you in the next few days will either insist upon having your babies or eating you (literally). Let's hope it's the former. You will also find a shiny penny. For more on this story, please see Leo, and good luck with that dude.
CANCER:
LUCKY COLOR: tumor
LUCKY NUMBER: carcinogens
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will not get cancer. Instead, everyone you love will.
You will meet Paris Hilton!
VIRGO:
LUCKY COLOR: black (like your sol, and I can see your suoollll)
LUCKY NUMBER: 1-866-4365705
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will be Constantine Maroulis.
LIBRA:
LUCKY COLOR: obsidian
LUCKY NUMBER: pi
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: I just got the cutest hamster! His name is Jesus, and he will bring peace and love to the world!
SCORPIO:
LUCKY COLOR: cerulean
LUCKY NUMBER:
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will try something new and exciting this week. If you're running out of time, go to the corner of 42nd street. Look for the man with one dreadlock and a black trenchcoat. Ask him if it is raining. He will say, "It is raining DRUGS!" Buy the special suitcase package of goodies. Oh, and make sure the cops don't see you, especially when the guy is yelling about drugs.
SAGITTARIUS:
LUCKY COLOR: (kill your mother)
LUCKY NUMBER: (kill your mother)^2
LUCKY DAY: Wedn(killyourmother)esday
HOROSCOPE: (killyourmother)You will plant pretty (killyourmother) flowers in your garden this (killyourmother) week! Wow, I look forward to you (killyourmother) spreading that happiness (killyourmother). Don't listen (killyourmother) to any (killyourmother) subliminal mess(killyourmother)ages you receive this week (killyourmother). They are un(killyourmother)healthy. Oh, and could you kill your mother for me?
CAPRICORN:
LUCKY COLOR: burnt sienna
LUCKY NUMBER: 2
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will eat some delicious corn this week while wearing capris. Also, you were born between December 22 and January 19.
AQUARIUS:
LUCKY COLOR: viridian
LUCKY NUMBER: 832-651-3236 (call for a good time i.e. phone sex)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will NOT merge with Gemini this week, no matter what those crazies try to tell you. I never said nothing about merging with Gemini! But good news: you will buy a shoe made by a four year old child in China who DIES if her embroidery isn't good enough! She is already crippled and can only watch TV on Saturdays. THAT MEANS SHE CAN'T WATCH SURVIVOR! BURN IN HELL!
PISCES:
LUCKY COLOR: ochre
LUCKY NUMBER: e
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You are the reincarnation of Hitler.
ARIES:
LUCKY COLOR: mac'n'cheese yeller
LUCKY NUMBER: elevendy
LUCKY DAY: Wensday
HOROSCOPE: Please do not reproduce.
LUCKY COLOR: aubergine
LUCKY NUMBER: i8^(1/2)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will develop a passion for HAVING CANCER which will consume you within 48 minutes of reading this horoscope. Please take the time to read all STAR magazine affiliated products. In the meantime, you will explore a new food, like pills. YOU WILL EAT THEM, ALL OF THEM!
LEO:
LUCKY COLOR: saffron
LUCKY NUMBER: cos(-2)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will find a shiny penny, you lucky person! AND THEN YOU WILL CHOKE ON IT BECAUSE YOU WILL PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH LIKE AN ANIMAL! BUT, while you are choking, your one true love will magically appear (did you know that it's a DUDE????) and try valiantly to save your life with the Heimlich maneuver. He will FAIL because he will use a SLEDGEHAMMER like an ANIMAL!!!
GEMINI:
LUCKY COLOR: chartreuse
LUCKY NUMBER: 89!
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: Your zodiac sign will merge with Aquarius to form AQUEMINI. This means all Aquarius who will pass you in the next few days will either insist upon having your babies or eating you (literally). Let's hope it's the former. You will also find a shiny penny. For more on this story, please see Leo, and good luck with that dude.
CANCER:
LUCKY COLOR: tumor
LUCKY NUMBER: carcinogens
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will not get cancer. Instead, everyone you love will.
You will meet Paris Hilton!
VIRGO:
LUCKY COLOR: black (like your sol, and I can see your suoollll)
LUCKY NUMBER: 1-866-4365705
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will be Constantine Maroulis.
LIBRA:
LUCKY COLOR: obsidian
LUCKY NUMBER: pi
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: I just got the cutest hamster! His name is Jesus, and he will bring peace and love to the world!
SCORPIO:
LUCKY COLOR: cerulean
LUCKY NUMBER:
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will try something new and exciting this week. If you're running out of time, go to the corner of 42nd street. Look for the man with one dreadlock and a black trenchcoat. Ask him if it is raining. He will say, "It is raining DRUGS!" Buy the special suitcase package of goodies. Oh, and make sure the cops don't see you, especially when the guy is yelling about drugs.
SAGITTARIUS:
LUCKY COLOR: (kill your mother)
LUCKY NUMBER: (kill your mother)^2
LUCKY DAY: Wedn(killyourmother)esday
HOROSCOPE: (killyourmother)You will plant pretty (killyourmother) flowers in your garden this (killyourmother) week! Wow, I look forward to you (killyourmother) spreading that happiness (killyourmother). Don't listen (killyourmother) to any (killyourmother) subliminal mess(killyourmother)ages you receive this week (killyourmother). They are un(killyourmother)healthy. Oh, and could you kill your mother for me?
CAPRICORN:
LUCKY COLOR: burnt sienna
LUCKY NUMBER: 2
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will eat some delicious corn this week while wearing capris. Also, you were born between December 22 and January 19.
AQUARIUS:
LUCKY COLOR: viridian
LUCKY NUMBER: 832-651-3236 (call for a good time i.e. phone sex)
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You will NOT merge with Gemini this week, no matter what those crazies try to tell you. I never said nothing about merging with Gemini! But good news: you will buy a shoe made by a four year old child in China who DIES if her embroidery isn't good enough! She is already crippled and can only watch TV on Saturdays. THAT MEANS SHE CAN'T WATCH SURVIVOR! BURN IN HELL!
PISCES:
LUCKY COLOR: ochre
LUCKY NUMBER: e
LUCKY DAY: Wednesday
HOROSCOPE: You are the reincarnation of Hitler.
ARIES:
LUCKY COLOR: mac'n'cheese yeller
LUCKY NUMBER: elevendy
LUCKY DAY: Wensday
HOROSCOPE: Please do not reproduce.