Journal#5
I haven’t told this to anybody yet….
But I think God already knows….
I don’t know whose to blame for what I am feeling right now…
I feel really angry, I don’t know if that’s with myself or to some flirted creature or to my insensitive friends or to my best friend whom I think is not really my best friend…
I thought he knew me…
I guess nobody really does…
When I was feeling really bad and confused, he thought that I was just tired and sleepy…
He even said, “Good luck in your sleep…”
FUCK YOU!
Why is everything so cruel to me?
I’ve done nothing wrong…
Why can’t everything just be good?
Why am I feeling like this?
I hate this days when insecurity is taking over everything…
It feels like I don’t exist…
It feels like this person is all that they see…
It feels like I have done nothing….
When the truth is, I have done more than she has…
Why am I so ugly in everyone’s eyes?
Don’t they see that I am hurting?
I have a heart too, in case you don’t know…
That people like me needs recognitions…
Recognitions in a way that I feel really satisfied with what I have worked for…
Not the recognition for being only a side show…
I want them to feel that I need it, I need to be motivated by the people whom I look up to…
Why can’t anybody see that?
I know that I am being selfish…
So I want you to understand that I need to say this because I want this to get out of my system…
Though I know that nobody would dare read this…
I just need an outlet…
Because you see..
Those people whom I’ve been with for a long time don’t understand …
So I’d rather tell this to people that I don’t really know…
At least I would understand why they don’t understand….
You’re getting me?
I am always there to sympathize with anybody’s life…
But why can’t life be like that to me?
Why is everything so unfair?
They thought I was happy…
Damn those people….
Why can’t you understand my needs?
I need friends!
I do have friends but they are so selfish..
They are only there for me in times of fun…
They have never been there in times when I really need them….
I am always there when they need me…
I want a friend that would say, “Come let’s go and talk…” or, “where is that effin person? I could kill that man if you want to..”
I value friendship so much…
But why can’t friendship do that to me in return?
Why am I always the one who gives?
If I only knew earlier that I would not get any thing from it back..
I should’ve avoided it…
I should’ve stopped it…
I should’ve killed it…
I know that I sound like a fool right now…
But, forgive me…
Forgive me for being one…
For being a garbage in your eyes…
Forgive me for being nothing…
I guess you see that that is my thing...
Well, I can’t do anything about it…
Because all of you thinks that way…
I can’t beat you…
You are too powerful over me....
I can’t fight for myself…
I can’t fight for anything…
That’s why my life is full of regrets…
I always look at the window and see if the person knocking is the one who is looking for me…
That thing never happens …
God always gives me challenges, I mean always…
But I guess I only won few of it…
Why are people so insensitive?
When you are a very happy person
They take you seriously for that
And they don’t think that you can be sad too…
Because you are happy…
That’s what happens to me all the time…
They think that everything that you do is only a joke…
Why?
Because you are happy…
What’s the essence of being happy when nobody really understands you?
I make friends because I want to belong…
I want to feel like I exist…
I’ve made an army of friends
But I still don’t feel like I have it…
Sometimes, death comes across my mind…
Would it be nice to see all your friends finally talking about you and crying because of your loss…
At least, I existed… in my death…
My life is full of thieves…
They stole everything from me…
My self esteem…
My friends…
My confidence…
My happiness…
My all…
Everything that I want..
Everything that should be mine at the first place…
They stole it…
Without knowing whom it really belongs to…
I hate it…
I hate it with all my might…
I hate it with all my heart and soul…
God Bless us all….
- Agee /aji/