If it is too full of self-pity and fake drama to be shared with friends in the real world, use lj
The land shook violently back home. The one in Vienna was still.. as was I. The still waters and floating phlegm that kill you without you noticing were slowly covering my body. Sometimes I could feel them just below my forehead. In the sea of life you see so many, but can touch so few. You are, in a sense, swimming alone in an endless ocean. I envy the man who had a fish to chase; I waste all of my energy just to stay afloat. Falling into the depths of madness is always an option - returning is not. And so you splash about and try to control your nerves..
I went to a psychologist. I should have known it would be practically pointless. It is not that he didn’t want to help - it is that no one can. No one can unless they love you and even then just for a while. The truth is that you are supposed to drown. Some drown because they are simply too physically brittle to swim anymore, others drown because they are weaklings. I am very afraid of being in the second group. I sometimes imagine sanity as a match, which burns. As you get older, less of it is left. And then none.. Is my match shorter than yours? Am I making it burn faster or slower by making all this fuss? Is self-pity and pretentiousness gasoline or water?
It started raining. I love the rain. The sound it makes as it bounces off things. It is like they are all suddenly talking to me. Everything the rain falls on makes a noise and therefore it is there MORE than it was there before. I can’t explain it. Will I still enjoy it so much if all of my plans fail? Or will I be eternally remorseful? I can’t believe that my plans failing can make me sad forever, but if I am sad already beforehand, what is the probability that I will find contentment afterwards?
How can you realize how lucky you are? Knowing that others suffer more just doesn’t cut it. I am sad for them and for me and it doesn’t help.