Random Thoughts November 24th 2004 - Revolutions are made by ...?
The last few days have all been rather strange and I suddenly feel the need to ramble about them. The world has turned JJ72 and though it has become easier for me to feel comfortable in my own skin, I've been shivering for days.
I wrote this before finding out about the results of the election. Not much has changed - I knew there was a possibility that nothing would change. Yesterday's headlines ALWAYS end up scatterbrain.
Are you such a dreamer to turn the world to rights?
The wind runs into the city, wailing and clawing at everything that stands in its way. My coat beats itself into me, black and hard. ‘Humans will always be humans’; ‘People, unfortunately, haven’t been given the gift of changeability’; ‘Santa Claus drunk and Snow-white with dirty boots drifting down the street - dawn, the first of January’; ‘You can go mad trying to figure out if God exists or you can just believe’; ‘The choice is yours’; ‘Everyone dies alone’………… This should be ringing, this should be ringing, this should be ringing, this should be ringing, this is the gloaming.
The city is inhaling and no one knows what it's going to do, the snow falls and falls and builds up and I sink deeper and deeper but I don’t get angry, not today. Beautiful ideas and dirt drift in the wind just as the beautiful new snowflakes do, I can smell them, I can feel them rushing under my coat to the skin, to die, to be. I listen to my radiohead and walk through the streets and watch the people, their orange flags clutched in half frozen hands, their eyes half closed, their minds worn out with thinking about a future that is veiled and colourless, their souls the only things that can still feel and lead - and follow them they do, although where they are heading I can only hope to guide with my wishes to a Higher Being I am not sure I can trust. We can wipe you out anytime...
I haven’t slept properly in days. I hug my knees and look for evidence that God exists, that according to the laws of science we are all eventually guided to happiness, that we are not just accidents waiting to happen. A revolution that could no longer wait for the perfect people, a storm in a city made out a straw, all the plans for a beautiful city of stone flying around with not a single dry place you could hide them. Kiev moves and I have never seen it this beautiful. I just wish that there were a politician who deserved the people behind him. The snow falls and you can’t see their footsteps and the black grotesque branches are covered with a thick layer of snow. But sometimes, just sometimes, a gust of wind strong enough shakes the tree from the very root up and the snow flows down to the ground and the branches pierce the sky.
WHY WON'T IT SNOW!?
The search for God is absurd?
I hardly slept last night. I’m on another how-far-can-your-teenage-schizophrenia-go trip. I stay up and wait for the dark figure of the soldier to appear at the end of the garden, I stare outside into the black and white world until my eyes hurt from the brightness of the projectors (installed for security reasons and very, very bright), I put my legs up onto the wall and stare up at them in turn, seeing only the dark side of them and trying to figure out where they finish and the white wall starts and in the mean time trying to figure out where God ends and a big lie begins…
I went to church this Saturday night. It wasn’t exactly a church - you go there and they preach to you and then you get to talk to people your age. Although I wasn’t converted, I realized so much. It had never occurred to me that religion could actually be a search for truth. Meeting all these young people, who instead of kicking me out for been an atheist seemed to have asked themselves all the questions I continuously ask myself. How intelligent, easy-going and open-minded they were came as quite a revelation.
Humans comprehend their surroundings using Feeling, Sensitivity, Intuition and Intelligence. It might just be that religion is the way people strive to understand their world intuitively and science the way they go about solving *exactly* the same problem intellectually. It might just be that instead of giving myself full freedom by not believing in anything but that which I can prove I’ve been limiting my field of perception. It might just be that this is all a product of intense brainwashing. Whatever it is I feel the urgent need to figure it out.
My tutor claims to have gone through exactly the same thing and that I can ‘break my head trying to understand and prove it or I can just move on and make a certain compromise/believe’. Eight hours later I couldn’t sleep from laughing about it. I’m not sure if anyone but me can realize how ridiculous this statement is (not in a right or wrong way, just in a ridiculous way).
Confusion is rife - I love Donnie Darko.
I can see you when I want to.
I arrived at school 2 hours early today. I don't regret it one little bit. The first hour was spent talking politics with my tutor and a certain educated Sinia (I'm not sure if that was his name, I made him repeat it 3 times and decided I probably won't have to use it all too much anyway). Sitting there in the warm classroom and watching the snow fall, in the company of 2 relaxed and thoughtful people is something I didn't think I'd have the chance to do so soon after changing countries.
The second hour was not much worse. My tutor had a lesson so I went to the cafe (absolutely empty but for me) and got myself some warm coffee with the most invigorating aroma. It reminded me of Bulgaria and of the ridiculous amounts of sleep I got. Of crawling my way to the coffee machine every morning and after drinking it as fast as I can standing in my room and waiting for it to wake me. Coffee will always be a symbol of these years in Bulgaria when it was actually worth been awake (it is very much worth to be awake right now, but these were the first years of change). I drank coffee so that I can wander the streets before school as well as after, I drank coffee so that I don't have to worry about not been able to go to sleep, I drank coffee so that I could have time for myself. Sitting in the window today, watching the snow fall and cover the school yard, listening to JJ72 and keenly inhaling the coffee vapours, while waiting for it to cool, reminded me of these years and I was truly blissful realizing how easy it is to go back for a while. By the bright leaves in the garden of my savior.
I love JJ72... I love his voice... I love the profuse strings... I love the fact it is meant to be imperfect...
Check my look in the mirror,
It don't glow,
My face is getting thinner,
Darkness shows,
Children go cursing
At their only cause.......
I wrote this before finding out about the results of the election. Not much has changed - I knew there was a possibility that nothing would change. Yesterday's headlines ALWAYS end up scatterbrain.
Are you such a dreamer to turn the world to rights?
The wind runs into the city, wailing and clawing at everything that stands in its way. My coat beats itself into me, black and hard. ‘Humans will always be humans’; ‘People, unfortunately, haven’t been given the gift of changeability’; ‘Santa Claus drunk and Snow-white with dirty boots drifting down the street - dawn, the first of January’; ‘You can go mad trying to figure out if God exists or you can just believe’; ‘The choice is yours’; ‘Everyone dies alone’………… This should be ringing, this should be ringing, this should be ringing, this should be ringing, this is the gloaming.
The city is inhaling and no one knows what it's going to do, the snow falls and falls and builds up and I sink deeper and deeper but I don’t get angry, not today. Beautiful ideas and dirt drift in the wind just as the beautiful new snowflakes do, I can smell them, I can feel them rushing under my coat to the skin, to die, to be. I listen to my radiohead and walk through the streets and watch the people, their orange flags clutched in half frozen hands, their eyes half closed, their minds worn out with thinking about a future that is veiled and colourless, their souls the only things that can still feel and lead - and follow them they do, although where they are heading I can only hope to guide with my wishes to a Higher Being I am not sure I can trust. We can wipe you out anytime...
I haven’t slept properly in days. I hug my knees and look for evidence that God exists, that according to the laws of science we are all eventually guided to happiness, that we are not just accidents waiting to happen. A revolution that could no longer wait for the perfect people, a storm in a city made out a straw, all the plans for a beautiful city of stone flying around with not a single dry place you could hide them. Kiev moves and I have never seen it this beautiful. I just wish that there were a politician who deserved the people behind him. The snow falls and you can’t see their footsteps and the black grotesque branches are covered with a thick layer of snow. But sometimes, just sometimes, a gust of wind strong enough shakes the tree from the very root up and the snow flows down to the ground and the branches pierce the sky.
WHY WON'T IT SNOW!?
The search for God is absurd?
I hardly slept last night. I’m on another how-far-can-your-teenage-schizophrenia-go trip. I stay up and wait for the dark figure of the soldier to appear at the end of the garden, I stare outside into the black and white world until my eyes hurt from the brightness of the projectors (installed for security reasons and very, very bright), I put my legs up onto the wall and stare up at them in turn, seeing only the dark side of them and trying to figure out where they finish and the white wall starts and in the mean time trying to figure out where God ends and a big lie begins…
I went to church this Saturday night. It wasn’t exactly a church - you go there and they preach to you and then you get to talk to people your age. Although I wasn’t converted, I realized so much. It had never occurred to me that religion could actually be a search for truth. Meeting all these young people, who instead of kicking me out for been an atheist seemed to have asked themselves all the questions I continuously ask myself. How intelligent, easy-going and open-minded they were came as quite a revelation.
Humans comprehend their surroundings using Feeling, Sensitivity, Intuition and Intelligence. It might just be that religion is the way people strive to understand their world intuitively and science the way they go about solving *exactly* the same problem intellectually. It might just be that instead of giving myself full freedom by not believing in anything but that which I can prove I’ve been limiting my field of perception. It might just be that this is all a product of intense brainwashing. Whatever it is I feel the urgent need to figure it out.
My tutor claims to have gone through exactly the same thing and that I can ‘break my head trying to understand and prove it or I can just move on and make a certain compromise/believe’. Eight hours later I couldn’t sleep from laughing about it. I’m not sure if anyone but me can realize how ridiculous this statement is (not in a right or wrong way, just in a ridiculous way).
Confusion is rife - I love Donnie Darko.
I can see you when I want to.
I arrived at school 2 hours early today. I don't regret it one little bit. The first hour was spent talking politics with my tutor and a certain educated Sinia (I'm not sure if that was his name, I made him repeat it 3 times and decided I probably won't have to use it all too much anyway). Sitting there in the warm classroom and watching the snow fall, in the company of 2 relaxed and thoughtful people is something I didn't think I'd have the chance to do so soon after changing countries.
The second hour was not much worse. My tutor had a lesson so I went to the cafe (absolutely empty but for me) and got myself some warm coffee with the most invigorating aroma. It reminded me of Bulgaria and of the ridiculous amounts of sleep I got. Of crawling my way to the coffee machine every morning and after drinking it as fast as I can standing in my room and waiting for it to wake me. Coffee will always be a symbol of these years in Bulgaria when it was actually worth been awake (it is very much worth to be awake right now, but these were the first years of change). I drank coffee so that I can wander the streets before school as well as after, I drank coffee so that I don't have to worry about not been able to go to sleep, I drank coffee so that I could have time for myself. Sitting in the window today, watching the snow fall and cover the school yard, listening to JJ72 and keenly inhaling the coffee vapours, while waiting for it to cool, reminded me of these years and I was truly blissful realizing how easy it is to go back for a while. By the bright leaves in the garden of my savior.
I love JJ72... I love his voice... I love the profuse strings... I love the fact it is meant to be imperfect...
Check my look in the mirror,
It don't glow,
My face is getting thinner,
Darkness shows,
Children go cursing
At their only cause.......