Caution: may contain depressing ramblings
So... you know what I've wanted for the longest time now, but it's too late to get?
A childhood friend who withstood the bonds of time. A friend that I met at a really young age, and still have now. A friend that would do everything with me and be there for me forever and always. A friend that I could never see not being my friend.
Sadly, the only way for that to happen is to rewind time and change a whole lotta shit.
There were at least three major factors as to why this didn't happen...
Firstly, there were no other kids in my neighborhood (not counting my sisters). None. Zero. Nada. There were a few teens that lived in the house across from ours, but that was it. So at home, I was, well... alone more or less. I don't think I was particularly unhappy or anything (I was a kid! Kids are easy to keep happy), but looking back I can see how that kind of thing could really suck. No one within walking distance, all my friends far away... etc.
Secondly, speaking of which, I went to a Montessori school growing up. And not just a Montessori school, but one that was about an hour's drive away. Now, I'm not going to say that it being a Montessori school was a bad thing. No, honestly, I couldn't see myself having gone to anything -but-! But it did mean there were very few kids, relatively (<100 grade schoolers (1-6), probably another 30-40 preschoolers). So this rather minimized the chances of meeting the person who would be -that- friend, you know? Though I did meet my first best friend there in first grade (he was a year younger). I don't remember the specifics of our meeting, but we'd talk through the gate to the preschool recess (since they had a different playground as us gradeschoolers *awesome pose!*). We were pretty good friends 1-6, but the fact that we lived an hour a[part did mean we mostly only ever saw each other at -school-. Sure, there was the occasional sleep over, but that was it. Nothing quite like the scenario I described above. And in middle school we started drifting (though neither of us realized it at the time), and by high school we were pretty much just acquaintances and then... different people. We just kind of went different ways. There was no rift or anything, it's just... we were at different schools, and our teenage personalities were shaping, and they just weren't terribly compatible. There was no bad blood or anything. It was just he grew up faster than me and we never saw each other. It was kind of natural. Now, he was replaced (that sounds so much worse than it is) by Mist, who might have been that friend since we even stayed in touch for years after I moved away from California, but as most of you know, Mist did betray me and showed me he honestly wasn't that much of a friend in the end. I actually did try to just forget that ever happened and try and stay in contact, but he was just... too flaky. And it never happened. We never did talk about him betraying me either. It's possible he never even saw it that way... Who can say?
Anyway, the third reason is probably the Asperger's. I have no idea if this would have affected my chances of having such a friend terribly much, but I'm pretty sure it must have affected it somehow. It makes me odd, and strange, and.... insufferable at times. Oh, I know I can be, and I thank you all for putting up with it when I am, but during those teenage years? I'm just pretty sure it would have driven any prospects apart... or something, I don't even know.
But these last few years, I've definitely wanted one. And don't get me wrong, the hyper close friends I have now are great! But I don't have memories with any of them that go past a few years. I'm going to be 26 in August and the oldest friend I have currently I met 9.5 years ago. I was a junior in high school! And I've only actually met him in person three times (granted one of those times was for 2 weeks)! This is just incredibly depressing to me when I think about it... Not to belittle him or anything. He's awesome and I couldn't ask for a better BFF, and he's the one non-family member person I can't see not being a part of my life until one of us dies. Everyone else I can see -something- happening (not that I expect or want such!) to cause a rift... but not him. Ever. And I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people to him too (though I'm pretty sure he has a couple others ♥, which is totally awesome and I honestly wish I could say the same).
But yeah, being depressed as I am right now, I just... I don't know. Felt like talking. The teenage angst comic I've been reading has a couple friends like the ones above (though there's conflict between them right now which is why it's so depressing to me =\), and I guess it just brought up that old desire in me again.
I do wish I used this damn thing more often lately. I actually... mentally make LJ posts all the time, I just never get around to actually posting them. What a loser, huh? I think tomorrow I'll make that high school post. I still really want to (for whatever reason), and it'd probably be good to talk about to someone who won't talk back, you know (and yes, I talk back to myself all the time =P)? I don't think it's actually going to be as depressing as this post or the last (though there will likely be depressing parts), and I don't think it's something I need to talk about because OH MY GODS THE ANGST AND I'M DEPRESSED, but just... I feel like looking back at those 4 years. And talking about them. And how they affected me. I just think it'd be interesting to do.
Anyway, I have to go to work (I'm surprised I managed to finish this post before leaving! I thought I'd be gushing for at least an hour), so I guess I'll see you guys later.
And I should totally update the quest tonight/tomorrow. Tonight if I'm up for it and not tired + depressed like I was last night (only recent I didn't then). Ugh, le sigh, this should not be this hard this early to update! Maybe it'll get easier when things start actually happening.
A childhood friend who withstood the bonds of time. A friend that I met at a really young age, and still have now. A friend that would do everything with me and be there for me forever and always. A friend that I could never see not being my friend.
Sadly, the only way for that to happen is to rewind time and change a whole lotta shit.
There were at least three major factors as to why this didn't happen...
Firstly, there were no other kids in my neighborhood (not counting my sisters). None. Zero. Nada. There were a few teens that lived in the house across from ours, but that was it. So at home, I was, well... alone more or less. I don't think I was particularly unhappy or anything (I was a kid! Kids are easy to keep happy), but looking back I can see how that kind of thing could really suck. No one within walking distance, all my friends far away... etc.
Secondly, speaking of which, I went to a Montessori school growing up. And not just a Montessori school, but one that was about an hour's drive away. Now, I'm not going to say that it being a Montessori school was a bad thing. No, honestly, I couldn't see myself having gone to anything -but-! But it did mean there were very few kids, relatively (<100 grade schoolers (1-6), probably another 30-40 preschoolers). So this rather minimized the chances of meeting the person who would be -that- friend, you know? Though I did meet my first best friend there in first grade (he was a year younger). I don't remember the specifics of our meeting, but we'd talk through the gate to the preschool recess (since they had a different playground as us gradeschoolers *awesome pose!*). We were pretty good friends 1-6, but the fact that we lived an hour a[part did mean we mostly only ever saw each other at -school-. Sure, there was the occasional sleep over, but that was it. Nothing quite like the scenario I described above. And in middle school we started drifting (though neither of us realized it at the time), and by high school we were pretty much just acquaintances and then... different people. We just kind of went different ways. There was no rift or anything, it's just... we were at different schools, and our teenage personalities were shaping, and they just weren't terribly compatible. There was no bad blood or anything. It was just he grew up faster than me and we never saw each other. It was kind of natural. Now, he was replaced (that sounds so much worse than it is) by Mist, who might have been that friend since we even stayed in touch for years after I moved away from California, but as most of you know, Mist did betray me and showed me he honestly wasn't that much of a friend in the end. I actually did try to just forget that ever happened and try and stay in contact, but he was just... too flaky. And it never happened. We never did talk about him betraying me either. It's possible he never even saw it that way... Who can say?
Anyway, the third reason is probably the Asperger's. I have no idea if this would have affected my chances of having such a friend terribly much, but I'm pretty sure it must have affected it somehow. It makes me odd, and strange, and.... insufferable at times. Oh, I know I can be, and I thank you all for putting up with it when I am, but during those teenage years? I'm just pretty sure it would have driven any prospects apart... or something, I don't even know.
But these last few years, I've definitely wanted one. And don't get me wrong, the hyper close friends I have now are great! But I don't have memories with any of them that go past a few years. I'm going to be 26 in August and the oldest friend I have currently I met 9.5 years ago. I was a junior in high school! And I've only actually met him in person three times (granted one of those times was for 2 weeks)! This is just incredibly depressing to me when I think about it... Not to belittle him or anything. He's awesome and I couldn't ask for a better BFF, and he's the one non-family member person I can't see not being a part of my life until one of us dies. Everyone else I can see -something- happening (not that I expect or want such!) to cause a rift... but not him. Ever. And I'm pretty sure I'm one of those people to him too (though I'm pretty sure he has a couple others ♥, which is totally awesome and I honestly wish I could say the same).
But yeah, being depressed as I am right now, I just... I don't know. Felt like talking. The teenage angst comic I've been reading has a couple friends like the ones above (though there's conflict between them right now which is why it's so depressing to me =\), and I guess it just brought up that old desire in me again.
I do wish I used this damn thing more often lately. I actually... mentally make LJ posts all the time, I just never get around to actually posting them. What a loser, huh? I think tomorrow I'll make that high school post. I still really want to (for whatever reason), and it'd probably be good to talk about to someone who won't talk back, you know (and yes, I talk back to myself all the time =P)? I don't think it's actually going to be as depressing as this post or the last (though there will likely be depressing parts), and I don't think it's something I need to talk about because OH MY GODS THE ANGST AND I'M DEPRESSED, but just... I feel like looking back at those 4 years. And talking about them. And how they affected me. I just think it'd be interesting to do.
Anyway, I have to go to work (I'm surprised I managed to finish this post before leaving! I thought I'd be gushing for at least an hour), so I guess I'll see you guys later.
And I should totally update the quest tonight/tomorrow. Tonight if I'm up for it and not tired + depressed like I was last night (only recent I didn't then). Ugh, le sigh, this should not be this hard this early to update! Maybe it'll get easier when things start actually happening.