(no subject)
I'm upset. I don't know what at though. Matts in the bedroom sleeping...has been for quiet a while. I keep expecting him to come ask when I'm going to bed, and I really don't want him too, cause I'll snap at him. I've been snapping at him a lot lately. I'm blaming it on the hormones (I recently got off birth control) but its not, its him and the situation attached to him. I wouldn't mind a lack of friends..I usually attach to my lover and never want to spend time with anyone else anyway..but its like we aren't lovers anymore. The little sex we've had lately is rather..tainted..with my being desprate cause I suddenly get it so often and need it so much and his.. I don't know what it is coming from him, but its awful. It certainly isn't approval, or love, or anything else I expect to get out of sex. I read someone describe somewhere about a relationship type that almost completly..brother/sisterish, and thats what it feels like. Like hes having sex cause his body/my body needs it, and no other reason. He didn't used to feel that way, he used to touch me all the time and kiss me..relaly kiss me..all the time, for no reason. Its been longer since hes kissed me than it has since we had sex..by weeks..which I think is one of the sadest things I've ever heard. I think maybe me talking about BDSM scared him off a little, so I've been trying to disect it lately to figure out what it is I'm looking for in that kind of sex. I wish I could make it simple, or find a way to make him feel what I feel so he'd understand.. But mostly, its acceptance, and a release from guilt. The way it is now, I kinda have to badger him into it, and he won't give me any pretense of him wanting it, much less taking away my choice, so I think its been worse for me than just having none, thought then I end up masturbating and that just makes me feel worse. I've got the show planned for tomorrow, and hopefully it'll get me a bit of praise (even over all this wieght I've gained...ug) and money.
I wanna work on something, do something productive. I can't feel my work with Michael is productive, cause Linda just comes home and ruins it, and any housework I do is wholly unproductive, cause..well..it is. I get discouraged, and end up crying. I feel like the maid around here, for everything. I know he doesn't have time to help clean, and I don't hold that against him. Mom never had time to help either, and James and I cleaned the whole apartment the years while she was studying. And we felt useful. But she never made extra work for us, and he doesn't try and make less work for me. I don't expect him to go out of his way to clean up every mess he makes, but there shouldn't be popcicle sticks on his desk when the trash can is supposed to be right under it. The trash can he hasn't replaced in about 2 weeks now. And the laundry Linda yelled at me for. I know its silly to expect him to automatically be able to follow our routine for towels but, besides setting my butt down every morning on a very wet toliet seat, standing on a wet towel to wash my face every morning and then having to fish for a towel are not good ways to start my day. I wanna talk about stuff. I know he knows so much in there..all the physics and comp stuff I don't, and would love to learn, and the relationship still has so many little quirks to work out, that we should be talking constantly. Instead, we do talk constantly, but never about anything. We used to. Or at least I think we did. He used to want to understand me, and I'd bet if I had brought of the BDSM before we were married, or before we started dating, we'd have disected it and he'd have wanted details. Now he seems to think I'm a sicko, which isn't helping my already low self esteem. And now Matts talking to me (my computer Matt) which is helping alot, but I think he may just be humoring me. That or I'm just distrustful of everyone now. That tends to happen when I'm angry, and when I feelt stupid, cause I assume I'm always missing something and people are taking advantage of me. I just cant' figure out what I did. He seemed interested enough to help me take it all apart, smart enough to figure out what I needed and to care enough to do it. But I don't think he sees what I want or need or has the guts or the acceptance to do it. And now hes stuck with me, cause I refuse to be divorced at 20, no matter how many signs are pointing toward him wanting out.
Now what do I do?
..I think I mail this too him.
I wanna work on something, do something productive. I can't feel my work with Michael is productive, cause Linda just comes home and ruins it, and any housework I do is wholly unproductive, cause..well..it is. I get discouraged, and end up crying. I feel like the maid around here, for everything. I know he doesn't have time to help clean, and I don't hold that against him. Mom never had time to help either, and James and I cleaned the whole apartment the years while she was studying. And we felt useful. But she never made extra work for us, and he doesn't try and make less work for me. I don't expect him to go out of his way to clean up every mess he makes, but there shouldn't be popcicle sticks on his desk when the trash can is supposed to be right under it. The trash can he hasn't replaced in about 2 weeks now. And the laundry Linda yelled at me for. I know its silly to expect him to automatically be able to follow our routine for towels but, besides setting my butt down every morning on a very wet toliet seat, standing on a wet towel to wash my face every morning and then having to fish for a towel are not good ways to start my day. I wanna talk about stuff. I know he knows so much in there..all the physics and comp stuff I don't, and would love to learn, and the relationship still has so many little quirks to work out, that we should be talking constantly. Instead, we do talk constantly, but never about anything. We used to. Or at least I think we did. He used to want to understand me, and I'd bet if I had brought of the BDSM before we were married, or before we started dating, we'd have disected it and he'd have wanted details. Now he seems to think I'm a sicko, which isn't helping my already low self esteem. And now Matts talking to me (my computer Matt) which is helping alot, but I think he may just be humoring me. That or I'm just distrustful of everyone now. That tends to happen when I'm angry, and when I feelt stupid, cause I assume I'm always missing something and people are taking advantage of me. I just cant' figure out what I did. He seemed interested enough to help me take it all apart, smart enough to figure out what I needed and to care enough to do it. But I don't think he sees what I want or need or has the guts or the acceptance to do it. And now hes stuck with me, cause I refuse to be divorced at 20, no matter how many signs are pointing toward him wanting out.
Now what do I do?
..I think I mail this too him.