Project Pollywog: 39 Weeks, 3 Days | Butterfly Day
Where was I? *Ahem*
That was a much needed and much restorative nap, btw.
Midwife Appointment, Part 2.
At this point our appointments pretty much center around basic questions of how I am feeling, if I have any questions of my own, blood pressure, and the baby's heart beat. We did talk about more questions to do with posterior presentation, but when I laid down for her to feel the baby and we found it really had rolled over, most of those questions became obsolete. It is not facing fully anterior, by the way, but the fact that it's facing to the right is just as good as far as Darlene is concerned (or so it seems) as, from her experience, it is almost certain to turn correctly in labor from that position. She noted that it is indeed getting very low at this point. I've definitely felt a further drop since the beginning of the week. I imagine this is a result of the baby getting into a better position (but that's not an official, medically supported answer of course). Either way, baby is in a good place. The heart beat is strong and reacts appropriately when the baby moves. My blood pressure was elevated a little bit, but we're not concerned about it. I blame the mocha. ;)
The best thing to come out of this appointment, in my opinion, is the rental of a birth tub. Darlene needs photos and we all want me to get to labor in a tub... so we're doing a bit of bartering on this one. It's nice to have marketable skills. Anyhoot, we weren't able to get one from the place in Seattle because we waited too long and they're booked. So, we're getting one from Everett which I have to go and collect tomorrow. This does mean more work for us as we have to assemble and disassemble the thing ourselves, but it doesn't look like that will be too great a challenge. It's the same tub, and will come sterilized and plastic wrapped. The tentative plan is not to set up the tub until we will need it as assembly is supposed to be fairly quick and uncomplicated. This will hopefully prevent it sitting out collecting dust, hair, germs(?), and worst of all: cat damage. We break it, we buy it. So I don't want claws anywhere near the thing. But anyway... hurray! It's paid for and ready for us to collect. Knowing it will be available to labor in is so comforting to me.
Other than that, we have been instructed to get Evening Primrose Oil for me to take daily. This apparently converts naturally to Prostaglandin and will aid in the ripening of my cervix in preparation for labor. This is proof positive that we're really here now. We're not trying to prevent labor, we're trying to aid it. Any time now. Although, I do also have a bottle of red wine handy in the event that we get false labor going and it's more exhausting than productive. This is less likely now that the baby has turned, but Darlene recommended 4 oz of red wine should I need a break from contractions. She has assured us that if it really is real labor the wine will not stop it. Also, our breast pump arrived today, so if we want to try and get labor going, that's a very viable natural option. TMI, I'm sure, but here we are.
Butterfly Day
2 Years ago is the day our Little Butterfly flew away. I've just read my posts about that... and well I've rather lost what I was planning to say. An excerpt from that post:
"...We were talking further about a dream he'd had the night before which he'd begun to explain in the morning. In the dream, we were at the doctor's office. They brought some sort of TV device over in front of my belly so they could see the baby inside. But they didn't see a baby. They saw a butterfly. However, it was not a normal butterfly. It had a little face and little hands... it was a cross between a baby and a butterfly. The doctor said this was very rare and that most people don't know it can happen. It was still alive and sort of a baby, but it would never be a normal baby. He said it wouldn't take as long to gestate. He also said we'd have to let it go right away. And the butterfly flies away.
"I'd discussed this with Peggy, my boss in the Photo Dept., who agreed that it was a sign of what would happen and what this meant for us as well. Butterflies could mean transformation- that our lives would change, and more so our minds. This dream made me worry because I didn't want the butterfly to fly away, I wanted the baby. But a couple of hours later it became clear that the butterfly wouldn't stay. Our Little Butterfly, Peggy called it. That is how we call it now, and will remember it.
As I lay on the bed with Stephen, held tight in his arms and still partially composed, I asked if we could call it our Little Butterfly. He then proceeded to tell me about another part of his dream while tears welled in his eyes.
He had seen a little blue thing on the window sill. I'm unclear on the details of all of this, but it sounded as though the little blue thing was energy/life, or at least a little piece of it. He looked at it and watched it. It looked something a marble mixed with a pill bug (I guess). While he watched that he also notice a spider. It was blue with reddish orange spots with black and white speckles. He said that its movement was fascinating and so captivated his attention that he could only watch as it attacked the blue thing. He shoed it away after a moment but by then the spider had already killed the blue thing. There was some white goo stuff on the blue thing and he wasn't sure if it was coming out of it or if it had been left by the spider.
He cried with me at this point. We cried so hard. He said he felt helpless. He should have done better at protecting it and, in turn, the baby. I tried to tell him he couldn't have, but I knew how he felt. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and caffeine, and tried to eat good things but I still think it's not enough. If I'd have known sooner or stressed out less maybe things would be different now. I thought all of those things then as I do now. But I'm glad for just feeling them. I glad to have just cried. I sobbed and choked, feeling as though a piece of me had been torn out. It still feels that way. He cried and squeezed me, previously unaware he could be so shaken by this..."
It's still hard to even think about how I felt then. I've cried about it so many times... almost daily until this winter. This is also largely why I waited so long to take a pregnancy test. I was so afraid it would say no, or that even if it said yes it wouldn't last. I've always been so afraid our Little Butterfly would never come back. So many times during this pregnancy I've asked Stephen hopefully if he thought this was it. I guess we were both waiting and hoping he would have another dream but he never has. It's hard to think that this might not be the same thing (and I'm sure that this entire rationale doesn't make a lot of sense)... somehow if it's a girl, we know it is... and if it's a boy, it's not. I don't know really why, but that's just how it feels.
Nothing hurts like that did... and still does really. Even now I'm crying (which is doing my sinuses no favours). The thought that happening again still scares me... it is still with trepidation that assume this baby will be fine. To me it's still not fine until the baby is safely in our arms, breathing and aware. I've been told that this is somewhat ridiculous, but I guess this is something you have to experience to understand. That day, when I was home with Stephen and I really let it out was the hardest I think I've ever cried in my life. I never want to feel that again, but at the same time I can't let it go entirely either because somehow that seems like saying I don't care.
It's amazing how much that day changed me, and changed us. I don't think I could possibly describe it right now. I think in hindsight that it was not the right time for us. Possibly, this was the catalyst to the rest of our lives, or at least the second one. Sometimes I find a tiny amount of comfort in knowing that because the butterfly didn't stay we were able to have our beautiful wedding and this time together to be a married couple. And other times none of that matters. I'm sure that if nothing else, it will help us to love this baby that much more. And I hope that baby will know how much we wanted it, that I asked and prayed for it, and that it already means more to me than I could ever have imagined.
Please, please, please let this baby be born safely. Please let it be healthy and fine. Please help us do a good job as parents, to love it so much, and to take care of it through anything life throws at us. Above all, please help us in ensuring that this little life is allowed to grow and thrive, that it will always know how much love we have for this person. Please let it be ok. Please let us meet our Little Butterfly.
That was a much needed and much restorative nap, btw.
Midwife Appointment, Part 2.
At this point our appointments pretty much center around basic questions of how I am feeling, if I have any questions of my own, blood pressure, and the baby's heart beat. We did talk about more questions to do with posterior presentation, but when I laid down for her to feel the baby and we found it really had rolled over, most of those questions became obsolete. It is not facing fully anterior, by the way, but the fact that it's facing to the right is just as good as far as Darlene is concerned (or so it seems) as, from her experience, it is almost certain to turn correctly in labor from that position. She noted that it is indeed getting very low at this point. I've definitely felt a further drop since the beginning of the week. I imagine this is a result of the baby getting into a better position (but that's not an official, medically supported answer of course). Either way, baby is in a good place. The heart beat is strong and reacts appropriately when the baby moves. My blood pressure was elevated a little bit, but we're not concerned about it. I blame the mocha. ;)
The best thing to come out of this appointment, in my opinion, is the rental of a birth tub. Darlene needs photos and we all want me to get to labor in a tub... so we're doing a bit of bartering on this one. It's nice to have marketable skills. Anyhoot, we weren't able to get one from the place in Seattle because we waited too long and they're booked. So, we're getting one from Everett which I have to go and collect tomorrow. This does mean more work for us as we have to assemble and disassemble the thing ourselves, but it doesn't look like that will be too great a challenge. It's the same tub, and will come sterilized and plastic wrapped. The tentative plan is not to set up the tub until we will need it as assembly is supposed to be fairly quick and uncomplicated. This will hopefully prevent it sitting out collecting dust, hair, germs(?), and worst of all: cat damage. We break it, we buy it. So I don't want claws anywhere near the thing. But anyway... hurray! It's paid for and ready for us to collect. Knowing it will be available to labor in is so comforting to me.
Other than that, we have been instructed to get Evening Primrose Oil for me to take daily. This apparently converts naturally to Prostaglandin and will aid in the ripening of my cervix in preparation for labor. This is proof positive that we're really here now. We're not trying to prevent labor, we're trying to aid it. Any time now. Although, I do also have a bottle of red wine handy in the event that we get false labor going and it's more exhausting than productive. This is less likely now that the baby has turned, but Darlene recommended 4 oz of red wine should I need a break from contractions. She has assured us that if it really is real labor the wine will not stop it. Also, our breast pump arrived today, so if we want to try and get labor going, that's a very viable natural option. TMI, I'm sure, but here we are.
Butterfly Day
2 Years ago is the day our Little Butterfly flew away. I've just read my posts about that... and well I've rather lost what I was planning to say. An excerpt from that post:
"...We were talking further about a dream he'd had the night before which he'd begun to explain in the morning. In the dream, we were at the doctor's office. They brought some sort of TV device over in front of my belly so they could see the baby inside. But they didn't see a baby. They saw a butterfly. However, it was not a normal butterfly. It had a little face and little hands... it was a cross between a baby and a butterfly. The doctor said this was very rare and that most people don't know it can happen. It was still alive and sort of a baby, but it would never be a normal baby. He said it wouldn't take as long to gestate. He also said we'd have to let it go right away. And the butterfly flies away.
"I'd discussed this with Peggy, my boss in the Photo Dept., who agreed that it was a sign of what would happen and what this meant for us as well. Butterflies could mean transformation- that our lives would change, and more so our minds. This dream made me worry because I didn't want the butterfly to fly away, I wanted the baby. But a couple of hours later it became clear that the butterfly wouldn't stay. Our Little Butterfly, Peggy called it. That is how we call it now, and will remember it.
As I lay on the bed with Stephen, held tight in his arms and still partially composed, I asked if we could call it our Little Butterfly. He then proceeded to tell me about another part of his dream while tears welled in his eyes.
He had seen a little blue thing on the window sill. I'm unclear on the details of all of this, but it sounded as though the little blue thing was energy/life, or at least a little piece of it. He looked at it and watched it. It looked something a marble mixed with a pill bug (I guess). While he watched that he also notice a spider. It was blue with reddish orange spots with black and white speckles. He said that its movement was fascinating and so captivated his attention that he could only watch as it attacked the blue thing. He shoed it away after a moment but by then the spider had already killed the blue thing. There was some white goo stuff on the blue thing and he wasn't sure if it was coming out of it or if it had been left by the spider.
He cried with me at this point. We cried so hard. He said he felt helpless. He should have done better at protecting it and, in turn, the baby. I tried to tell him he couldn't have, but I knew how he felt. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and caffeine, and tried to eat good things but I still think it's not enough. If I'd have known sooner or stressed out less maybe things would be different now. I thought all of those things then as I do now. But I'm glad for just feeling them. I glad to have just cried. I sobbed and choked, feeling as though a piece of me had been torn out. It still feels that way. He cried and squeezed me, previously unaware he could be so shaken by this..."
It's still hard to even think about how I felt then. I've cried about it so many times... almost daily until this winter. This is also largely why I waited so long to take a pregnancy test. I was so afraid it would say no, or that even if it said yes it wouldn't last. I've always been so afraid our Little Butterfly would never come back. So many times during this pregnancy I've asked Stephen hopefully if he thought this was it. I guess we were both waiting and hoping he would have another dream but he never has. It's hard to think that this might not be the same thing (and I'm sure that this entire rationale doesn't make a lot of sense)... somehow if it's a girl, we know it is... and if it's a boy, it's not. I don't know really why, but that's just how it feels.
Nothing hurts like that did... and still does really. Even now I'm crying (which is doing my sinuses no favours). The thought that happening again still scares me... it is still with trepidation that assume this baby will be fine. To me it's still not fine until the baby is safely in our arms, breathing and aware. I've been told that this is somewhat ridiculous, but I guess this is something you have to experience to understand. That day, when I was home with Stephen and I really let it out was the hardest I think I've ever cried in my life. I never want to feel that again, but at the same time I can't let it go entirely either because somehow that seems like saying I don't care.
It's amazing how much that day changed me, and changed us. I don't think I could possibly describe it right now. I think in hindsight that it was not the right time for us. Possibly, this was the catalyst to the rest of our lives, or at least the second one. Sometimes I find a tiny amount of comfort in knowing that because the butterfly didn't stay we were able to have our beautiful wedding and this time together to be a married couple. And other times none of that matters. I'm sure that if nothing else, it will help us to love this baby that much more. And I hope that baby will know how much we wanted it, that I asked and prayed for it, and that it already means more to me than I could ever have imagined.
Please, please, please let this baby be born safely. Please let it be healthy and fine. Please help us do a good job as parents, to love it so much, and to take care of it through anything life throws at us. Above all, please help us in ensuring that this little life is allowed to grow and thrive, that it will always know how much love we have for this person. Please let it be ok. Please let us meet our Little Butterfly.