Project Pollywog: 35 Weeks, 3 Days
Hopefully this post will be much calmer than the one I intended to write last night.
I'm not sure where to start, so I suppose it will be the end and then we'll back up from there.
This stress thing is a vicious cycle. I worry too much. I guilt myself to pieces and then beat myself up with guilt for the damage I cause to myself by feeling guilty. I'm hardly sleeping and when I do my dreams are terrible.
I worry that I'm already a bad mother and that I'm permanently damaging my child before it has even had a chance to enter the world. I'm worried that I'm putting our home birth and natural birth in danger and I can't seem to fix it. And of course I'm worried about the money and the stress I cause to Stephen. I still worry that I've ruined his life.
I'm imagining big eyes reflecting off of the screen at this point. "What the hell are you on about, woman?" Well... this is where I back up and explain.
As I mentioned in passing before, between our 32 week and 34 week visits to the midwife I actually lost a little bit of weight. Not much. 1 lb. But I should have gained at least two. I've also been pretty tired (I'm sure that not sleeping helps tremendously with that). I haven't had much of an appetite since sometime in July and have pretty much been forcing myself to eat since then. Sometimes I do get genuinely hungry but one glass of water or soy milk will usually be all I need to fill up. My moods have been increasingly less predictable with larger swings and a lot more crying. Other than the losing weight thing (which never happens, believe me), most of this is reminiscent of skipping taking my thyroid medication.
However, on one last note of nutrition: my daily protein target intake is 80-100 grams. For Bradley class we are supposed to keep track of what we eat, add it up and turn that in every week. It's slipped a little in the last couple of weeks, I image, but when I actually add things up my average protein intake is actually over 100g of protein, sometimes over 120g. I'm sure it's slipped a little or at least been less consistent, but it should still be up there.
As a result of these things, Darlene requested that I go and see Dr. Mark, get blood work done, and my thyroid checked. I did so last Thursday. Yesterday he called and left a message regarding my results: My thyroid is low, my protein is low, I'm anemic, and my T cell count indicates I have an infection somewhere. Last time I was checked I was doing just fine. I spent last night very upset and very worried. Mom told me to knock it off, essentially, but that didn't help at all. In fact, some of her side comments made it a lot worse.
I'm very frustrated considering that I've been doing what I can to get enough protein, but it looks like maybe I need to diversify my sources. Less soy. More other things. That would be my first avenue of correction. Other than that, I know I need to eat more often but I'm not hungry. Dr. Mark intends to up my Cytomel (one of the two thyroid meds I take everyday) and perhaps that will help as well. Ideally I should just be eating more often, really. And getting more exercise. I've been very frustrated there as well because it seems so easy to over do it these days- the littlest things put my back out and me on the floor. Another downward spiral exists there, too: the less active I am, the heavier I feel.
The infection: I'm really hoping that this simply relates to the sinus infection that I've had all year. I know that it's active and I've been having more allergy symptoms in the last few weeks, so hopefully, hopefully that's all it is. And more so, I hope nothing is harming the baby. I'm sure more testing of some sort will be done in this area. Thank Gilroy that Dr. Mark and blood tests are the ONE AREA that this ridiculous insurance company seems to cover. And that's a whole other topic of worry.
We're not going to make it- we're not going to be able to pay Darlene next week, not all of it. I'm trying to think of everything I can reasonably sell in that time to come up with an extra $200.
This is not the start I wanted for our baby.
Edit: P.S.: This whole persistent anxiety attack thing this really devastating my work day. *Big. Thumbs. Down.*
I'm not sure where to start, so I suppose it will be the end and then we'll back up from there.
This stress thing is a vicious cycle. I worry too much. I guilt myself to pieces and then beat myself up with guilt for the damage I cause to myself by feeling guilty. I'm hardly sleeping and when I do my dreams are terrible.
I worry that I'm already a bad mother and that I'm permanently damaging my child before it has even had a chance to enter the world. I'm worried that I'm putting our home birth and natural birth in danger and I can't seem to fix it. And of course I'm worried about the money and the stress I cause to Stephen. I still worry that I've ruined his life.
I'm imagining big eyes reflecting off of the screen at this point. "What the hell are you on about, woman?" Well... this is where I back up and explain.
As I mentioned in passing before, between our 32 week and 34 week visits to the midwife I actually lost a little bit of weight. Not much. 1 lb. But I should have gained at least two. I've also been pretty tired (I'm sure that not sleeping helps tremendously with that). I haven't had much of an appetite since sometime in July and have pretty much been forcing myself to eat since then. Sometimes I do get genuinely hungry but one glass of water or soy milk will usually be all I need to fill up. My moods have been increasingly less predictable with larger swings and a lot more crying. Other than the losing weight thing (which never happens, believe me), most of this is reminiscent of skipping taking my thyroid medication.
However, on one last note of nutrition: my daily protein target intake is 80-100 grams. For Bradley class we are supposed to keep track of what we eat, add it up and turn that in every week. It's slipped a little in the last couple of weeks, I image, but when I actually add things up my average protein intake is actually over 100g of protein, sometimes over 120g. I'm sure it's slipped a little or at least been less consistent, but it should still be up there.
As a result of these things, Darlene requested that I go and see Dr. Mark, get blood work done, and my thyroid checked. I did so last Thursday. Yesterday he called and left a message regarding my results: My thyroid is low, my protein is low, I'm anemic, and my T cell count indicates I have an infection somewhere. Last time I was checked I was doing just fine. I spent last night very upset and very worried. Mom told me to knock it off, essentially, but that didn't help at all. In fact, some of her side comments made it a lot worse.
I'm very frustrated considering that I've been doing what I can to get enough protein, but it looks like maybe I need to diversify my sources. Less soy. More other things. That would be my first avenue of correction. Other than that, I know I need to eat more often but I'm not hungry. Dr. Mark intends to up my Cytomel (one of the two thyroid meds I take everyday) and perhaps that will help as well. Ideally I should just be eating more often, really. And getting more exercise. I've been very frustrated there as well because it seems so easy to over do it these days- the littlest things put my back out and me on the floor. Another downward spiral exists there, too: the less active I am, the heavier I feel.
The infection: I'm really hoping that this simply relates to the sinus infection that I've had all year. I know that it's active and I've been having more allergy symptoms in the last few weeks, so hopefully, hopefully that's all it is. And more so, I hope nothing is harming the baby. I'm sure more testing of some sort will be done in this area. Thank Gilroy that Dr. Mark and blood tests are the ONE AREA that this ridiculous insurance company seems to cover. And that's a whole other topic of worry.
We're not going to make it- we're not going to be able to pay Darlene next week, not all of it. I'm trying to think of everything I can reasonably sell in that time to come up with an extra $200.
This is not the start I wanted for our baby.
Edit: P.S.: This whole persistent anxiety attack thing this really devastating my work day. *Big. Thumbs. Down.*