(no subject)
I don't know exactly what to say. So I'll just say it all. I'm very discontent right now. I spend a lot of time with people who were not necessarily my friends, but have become friends to me. I feel like I'm back in Freshman year all over again, except it's three years later. I know though, that I am not their friend, they have other friends. I don't. I feel so alone right now. I talked to RJ on Thursday because it was killing me not to talk to him. He doesn't hate me. He was supposed to hate me but he doesn't. He said to me that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. I can understand that. Except I've always known that what I want is to be loved. To have attention, affection, acknowledgment and acceptance by someone who I love and loves me back. I want so bad just to go back to sophomore year. Everything was perfect back then. Back before Junior year, where everything collapsed on me, and I compromised my morals to gain some power back in my life. I talked to RJ on Thursday and he said he would hang out with me that night. He didn't. I talked to him on Friday and he said he didn't feel well enough for us to hang out. But then he went to run errands with another girl. I talked to him on Saturday and he said that he was going to have dinner with another girl but afterwards he would spend time with me. At midnight I was begging him to at least stop by for a minute, since I hadn't seen him since Thursday. We talked last night and now I'm angry. I told him that Patrick was coming to visit me today and he said that I should have a good time and do what makes me happy. But I can't do that because every time I try to hang out with RJ he wont. What am I supposed to do? I called him out on it. I told him that if he actually wanted to spend time with me he would make the time to do so, he agreed with me. I asked him what he was feeling. He told me how I have the least problems of all the girls he hangs out with. I didn't tell him that that's because they create problems in their lives so that he can come in and fix them. He told me that he likes making other people happy. He then told me about all the dates he plans with them. How he's getting frustrated with one of the girls because he doesn't like what she likes to do and he wants her to step up and plan something for them to do. Meanwhile I try so hard to plan things for RJ and I to do and he says he's busy. What the fuck. I am so very frustrated with my life with him. I told him about Patrick coming and I wanted so bad for him to ask me not to sleep with him. But he didn't he just said that he had a date with another girl on Tuesday. I want to go home. I asked RJ awhile ago if he wanted to go to the football game in Jackson with me on Friday he said yes, then we fought. I asked him again last night if he wanted to go to the football game with me, and he said he doesn't know. I told him that he commits his time to other people and never to me. I'm the person he spends time with if all the other people in his life are not wanting his attention. I hate this. But at least we're being honest with eachother? I texted him this morning asking him to have lunch with me. He never responded. I called him, no answer. So I went without. Last night when we were hanging out, he spent most of the time texting other people. When I text him during the day he ignores me. I can't deal with this. Something has to change. He has to realize what he's doing, but no matter how many times I try to point it out to him, my words just stop. I am so overwhelmed by this entire situation. He says that I'm the person with the least problems in his life. Little does he know that my biggest problem is him. And that is absolutely something he can fix. But he wont. Why do I consistently waste my own time with this. I need to talk to him.