LOTR Parody- Part Two
Hello again, all. I finally finished the FOTR parody. I haven't started on the TT bit, so that'll be a while. But I'm getting there. Slowly.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Lesson the Second: Paranoia is your friend.
ARAGORN: Hey, how come your gardeners didn’t clear my mum’s grave, Elrond?
ELROND: I’m holding a grudge.
ARAGORN: What’d I do?
ELROND: Only stole my daughter’s immortal soul. Give it back to her right now.
Cut to a pre-departure scene.
ARAGORN: Hey, Arwen, your dad says I have to give your soul back.
ARWEN: Yeah? Well he can go to hell.
Cut to a different pre-departure scene.
BILBO: Here, you better take the shiny stuff with you.
FRODO: Thanks, Bilbo, but I don’t actually know how to use a sword.
BILBO: You think I do? Put on the armour now, just in case you need it in an upcoming scene. The sword may also be useful.
Frodo obliges. But this means that Bilbo sees the Ring.
BILBO: Oooh, shiny! Gimme!
FRODO: No way!
BILBO: I’m sorry, Frodo, but the Ring’s just so golden…and shiny…shiiiiiiiny…
Frodo gets the heck out of there.
Cut to the actual departure scene.
ELROND: So long, suckers!
FRODO: Which way is Mordor again?
GANDALF: Left.
Frodo walks out of Rivendell, turns right, looks at his hands and starts to head towards the left.
PETER JACKSON: Finally, I can show shots of mountains!
The Fellowship climb up a hill while the suitably epic score plays.
But then they realise that they’ve let themselves in for at least another hour apiece of travelling shots and take a break at a cluster of rocks.
BOROMIR: See, I can be sympathetic too…
PIPPIN: Hey, these sword-fighting lessons hurt!
MERRY: I trip you for that!
ARAGORN: Break it up, boys, break it up.
PIPPIN: We trip you for ruining our fun.
GIMLI: But I dunwanna go this way, Gandalf, it’s too boring.
GANDALF: What do you suggest then?
GIMLI: We could go through the dangerous Mines of Moria.
GANDALF: I’m not even going to attempt to explain my reasoning for not going through the mines now.
Cut to Saruman.
SARUMAN: You were never a fan of spelunking, were you?
Cut back to the Fellowship.
GANDALF: Wait…wait…birds! Run and hide, everyone! Tomorrow we start climbing the mountain.
So they start climbing the mountain, complete with the epic travelling shots. Frodo falls on his ass.
FRODO: I think I might need a better chain for this Ring if I’m going to be carrying it over all this rough terrain.
BOROMIR: It’s okay, Frodo, I have it…oooh…shiny.
ARAGORN: Give it back already.
BOROMIR: Huh? What? Oh yeah.
He hands the Ring back to Frodo.
Cut back to Saruman.
SARUMAN: If you want to ski, I can help!
He sends a massive snowfall to the mountain they’re climbing up.
LEGOLAS: Seriously, people, if you weren’t ready for the black run you shouldn’t have come.
BOROMIR: Too true. Let’s go the most boring way possible.
GIMLI: I still think we should go through the dangerous mines!
GANDALF: Well, it’s not my quest. Frodo, which way do we go?
FRODO: I say we go through the dangerous mines.
GANDALF: Your funeral.
Cut to the track down to Moria.
GANDALF: HEY FRODO! DON’T TRUST ANYONE!
FRODO: Are you sure you couldn’t have told me this at a more inconvenient time?
GANDALF: Now, young Hobbit, pay attention to the giant grey cliff that is in fact the entrance to the mine.
They rock up at the actual doors.
GANDALF: And now for our dramatic entrance. OPEN SESAME!
The door does not open.
GANDALF: Open pecan!
No luck.
GANDALF: Open walnut?
Still nothing.
GANDALF: We might be here for a while, folks.
SAM: I guess taking the horse through the mines is totally out of the question, huh?
ARAGORN: Yep.
PPPIN: Hey Merry, I was just thinking that we haven’t done anything stupid for about an hour.
MERRY: I know…wanna chuck rocks in the lake?
PIPPIN: Sure thing.
ARAGORN: Didn’t you see the sign?
THE SIGN: BEWARE OF SQUID.
PIPPIN: Well, we did. We just chose to ignore it.
Aragorn gives up and walks away.
FRODO: Hey…I can steal Merry’s moment of glory. Gandalf, what’s the Elvish word for sesame?
GANDALF: S3s4m3.
The door opens.
GANDALF: Well, what do you know.
They head into the mines.
GIMLI: Man, they’ve changed the décor since I was here last. Remind me to have a word with Balin about it. I’m not a fan of the skeleton motif.
BOROMIR: Er, Gimli…they’re actually dead.
GANDALF: That’s it, we’re going the boring way.
But then the evil thing Merry and Pippin woke up by throwing rocks into the water attacks the Fellowship and collapses the entrance.
GANDALF: Well, shit.
They start walking.
PIPPIN: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
MERRY: No, now shut up.
Some time later, on the edge of a goddamn huge pit...
MERRY: What’s mined here, anyway?
GANDALF: Remember Bilbo’s shiny armour? The stuff he gave to Frodo with Sting? Yeah, the stuff they made that out of. Mythril.
They stop for a rest when Gandalf can’t remember where he’s going.
FRODO: Don’t look now, but I think Gollum’s following us.
GANDALF: Well, I had to wait for you to figure that out yourself.
FRODO: How come nobody’s killed him yet?
GANDALF: Plot requirements.
FRODO: And how come you haven’t had that many inspirational lines yet?
GANDALF: Because they were saving them for this scene.
FRODO: And now to more important matters. Have you worked out the way out yet?
GANDALF: Just then. I just wanted to finish those inspirational lines first.
The Fellowship glares at him.
GANDALF: Uh, yeah. Welcome to Moria!
GIMLI: Hey, sunlight!
He runs ahead. He finds a tomb.
GANDALF: Oh, it’s his cousin Balin’s.
GIMLI: Oh…there goes my chance to portray the dwarves as hospitable and kindly.
GANDALF: (reads from book) “Help us, there are many goblins.” Honestly, what good did they think that would do?
PIPPIN: Let’s see…can I do stupid stuff independently of Merry?
He pushes a skeleton down a well. It makes a helluva racket.
PIPPIN: Yep.
GANDALF: If you’re not careful, I’ll send you to fetch it.
There is a bit of shrieking and drum-pounding from elsewhere in the mine. Boromir goes to investigate.
BOROMIR: They have a Harry Potter reference.
ARAGORN: Prepare to fight! We must defend against reused monsters!
They fight for a while. Frodo gets himself skewered.
ARAGORN: Why, God, must it always be the Ringbearer who gets stabbed?
GANDALF: Plot.
Legolas eventually shoots the cave troll in the back of the head. But then more drums sound.
GANDALF: Perhaps we should leave.
But they are surrounded by billions upon billions of goblins. It looks bad- until the evil glowing red light shows up at the end of the passageway.
GANDALF: Stand here for a while…dramatic pause…it’s a demon.
The pause continues for a bit.
GANDALF: Run! To the bridge!
ARAGORN: About time, too.
The Fellowship flees to the bridge and cross it. Gandalf stops halfway to hold off the Balrog.
BALROG: Outta my way!
GANDALF: Not without answering these three questions. Answer incorrectly, and you get chucked into the fiery pit of doom. First, what is your name?
BALROG: I am the Balrog of Moria!
GANDALF: What is your quest?
BALROG: To terrorise innocent Hobbits that stray into my territory!
GANDALF: And what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
BALROG: …I don’t know.
The Balrog is catapulted into the fiery pit of doom.
GANDALF: …come to think of it, I don’t know the answer either.
Gandalf is catapulted into the fiery pit of doom.
GANDALF: I’ll catch up with you next fiiiiiiiiiiilm….
CAST: NOOOOOOOO!
The remainder of the Fellowship begins to flee again while some mournful song plays. Outside of the mines, everyone starts crying except for Aragorn and Boromir.
LEGOLAS: Never have I been through such trauma. My clothing has a coat of dust on it. There is grime on my face. And we also lost Gandalf.
ARAGORN: C’mon, people, move out! We gotta get to Lothlorien. No, not that way, Frodo!
Frodo checks his hands and starts moving in the appropriate direction again.
Several shots of the Fellowship running, and then walking through the woods.
GIMLI: Careful, Hobbits. If you stay here too long, your sense of humour might disappear entirely.
HALDIR: Odd. I thought my one-liner was rather good.
GIMLI: Grrrrr…
HALDIR: And now, to business. Piss off.
ARAGORN: What? Why?
HALDIR: You have the One Ring with you. And a dwarf. We don’t have much against the Ring aside from the whole evil-incarnate issue, but the Dwarf smells bad.
GIMLI (in Dwarfish): And you used too much foundation this morning.
Nevertheless, the Elves let the Fellowship into the magical shiny wood.
HALDIR: See, here is the centre of our pretty forest, technically ruled by Celeborn, but in reality ruled by Galadriel. Bet you never saw anything this shiny before, eh, dwarf-boy?
That evening, the Fellowship makes its way up the staircase. Judging by lighting levels, three moons shine over Lothlorien. Judging by the size of the tree, they’re climbing a Californian Redwood.
FELLOWSHIP: Oooooh…shiiiiiiiinyyyyy…
CELEBORN: Yo, Fellowship! What up? Where’s Gandalf?
GALADRIEL: Bit slow on the uptake, aren’t you, dear? He was thrown into a fiery pit of doom in Moria.
CELEBORN: I’ll just keep speaking while everyone else ignored me in favour of my wife, then.
Boromir cracks under Galadriel’s rather spooky voiceover.
GALADRIEL: Ah, so you’re the one with the Ring, Frodo.
Cut to the Lothlorien lawn.
LEGOLAS: Y4y, f4ci4l cl34ns3r. Oh, and isn’t the lament for Gandalf sad?
ARAGORN: Mmph.
SAM: Not as sad as my attempts at poetry.
ARAGORN: Now that Gandalf’s gone, I have to take care of the motivational side. Never say your poetry sucks, Sam.
BOROMIR: Hey, Aragorn, you ever been to Minas Tirith?
ARAGORN: It’s not a patch on the Elvish version. As you can see.
(A/N: Brilliant, brilliant! *ducks thrown objects*)
BOROMIR: I wanna go home.
ARAGORN: Tough it out.
Some time later that night, Galadriel wanders past. Her internal light bulb only wakes up Frodo. He follows her to a pizza tray near the river.
GALADRIEL: I get hungry sometimes in the middle of the night. It’s a magical pizza tray. You can see the future in the base, and when you’re done, a pizza magically appears.
FRODO: That sounds awesome. Can you ask it for specific toppings?
GALADRIEL: Have a go.
Frodo steps up to the Magical Pizza Tray.
FRODO: Erm…I’ll have a Meat Lovers, thanks.
In the base of the Magical Pizza Tray, images of the Shire burning appear.
FRODO: …or maybe I’ll go vegetarian tonight. That was scary.
GALADRIEL: You know that that might just happen, right?
FRODO: You know I have to ask how to avoid it now, right?
GALADRIEL: Hey, Frodo. Don’t trust anyone.
FRODO: What about you? Do you want the Ring?
GALADRIEL: What I really want…is the CHANCE TO MONOLOGUE WITH FREAKY BACKLIGHTING!
FRODO: Eeep!
GALADRIEL: Thanks, but I’ll pass on the whole Ring of Doom thing.
FRODO: So I can’t trust anyone?
GALADRIEL: Well…
Cut to Saruman.
SARUMAN: All right, my Uruk-Hai! I have genetically modified you all so you can win this game of capture the flag. The flags in this case being the Hobbits. Go get ‘em, team!
Cut to everyone leaving Lothlorien the next morning.
GALADRIEL: We’re giving you these quasi-invisibility cloaks. They should come in handy at some stage.
THE FELLOWSHIP: Cool.
GALADRIEL: And food. Boring but important.
Merry and Pippin promptly get stuck into it.
GALADRIEL: Legolas, here’s a new bow. It’s much shinier than your old one.
GIMLI: Great, now he’ll never stop staring at it.
GALADRIEL: Merry and Pippin, have some knives. We’re not trying to foist off all our old junk on you Hobbits, no.
MERRY: Hey Pippin?
PIPPIN: What?
MERRY: Now we have sharp stuff, we can probably do even more stupid things.
GALADRIEL: Here, Sam, have some rope.
SAM: Ma’am, can’t I have something that won’t make me the subject of more gay jokes?
GALADRIEL: Aragorn, Elrond called ahead and told me not to give you anything.
ARAGORN: Awww…
GALADRIEL: And I’m kinda puzzled about what I can give to a dwarf.
GIMLI: Take a look at the stereotype. Gold is good.
Cut to Legolas and Gimli rowing their boat.
LEGOLAS: So what did she give you?
GIMLI: Irony.
Cut back to the Fellowship’s Christmas.
GALADRIEL: Frodo, I am giving you some Lothlorien special bug spray. It also doubles as a lightbulb.
The Fellowship continues by river.
BOROMIR: Hey, Aragorn, Gollum’s following us.
ARAGORN: You only just noticed now?
BOROMIR: Grrrr…why can’t we go save Gondor?
ARAGORN: First, that was random, and two, because I got all hung up on saving the world.
BOROMIR: You suck.
More rowing. They go past some big statues. Between them is a banner.
THE BANNER: Caution: ‘Stop in the name of love’ jokes ahead.
Eventually they come ashore.
ARAGORN: Right, we’ll stop here until it gets dark.
LEGOLAS: We’re being followed by Uruk-Hai, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: You’re even slower than Boromir. We gotta stop here, because this is a major turning point.
Frodo wanders off somewhere. Aragorn notices that Boromir has conveniently wandered off at the same time, coincidentally forgetting his shield.
BOROMIR: Hey, Frodo, it’s not a good time to wander off alone.
FRODO: Look who’s talking.
BOROMIR: Oh, it’s okay for me to wander off alone. I’m a real man.
FRODO: …right.
BOROMIR: Hand over the Ring and nobody will get hurt.
FRODO: No.
BOROMIR: If you give me the Ring, you can be a real man too!
FRODO: You’ve forgotten one thing.
BOROMIR: What?
FRODO: I’m the one with the Ring.
He puts it on, vanishes, and kicks Boromir for good measure. He then appears to run away. Well, not appears, but you know what I mean.
BOROMIR: What? What’d I do?
Frodo continues to run away through the grey Ring-blur. Then he does he virtual tour of Mordor.
THE EYE: I spy with my little eye…
Frodo quickly takes off the Ring. But then Aragorn appears.
ARAGORN: Coincidentally menacing statement, coming your way.
FRODO: Here, take the piece of menacing jewellery!
ARAGORN: …oh shit, I didn’t prepare for this test of character.
FRODO: Please take it?
ARAGORN: Can I have some freaky backlighting here?
PETER JACKSON: Nope.
ARAGORN: Fine then. I don’t want the Ring. Now piss off before I change my mind.
PETER JACKSON: Please don’t sulk, Viggo, see, we have a nice long fight scene for you!
ARAGORN: …okay, I forgive you.
Zillions of Uruk-Hai appear and Aragorn kicks all their asses. Legolas and Gimli also pitch in.
On his way back to the boats, Frodo encounters Merry and Pippin.
PIPPIN: Hey, Frodo, let’s increase our chances of being caught by stage whispering for you to come over here!
FRODO: No way.
PIPPIN: Why not?
MERRY: Isn’t it obvious? He doesn’t want to be caught!
PIPPIN: Then should we do something stupid?
MERRY: Start shouting to draw the attention of the Uruk-Hai in this general direction?
PIPPIN: Yep.
MERRY: Let’s do it.
Many Uruk-Hai start chasing Merry and Pippin. It looks bad for them, but then Boromir enters.
BOROMIR: If Aragorn can do it, I can too!
He does fairly well until the lead Uruk-Hai comes in and shoots him with a crossbow.
There is a dramatic pause.
BOROMIR: I’m all right! Tis but a flesh wound!
URUK-HAI: Oh, then I’ll shoot you again.
BOROMIR: No, no, still fine, that was just my shoulder.
URUK-HAI: What are you, a cockroach?
The Uruk-Hai shoots Boromir a third time.
BOROMIR: Okay, I think that might have done it.
MERRY: Hey, Pippin, do you want to do one last stupid thing for the film?
PIPPIN: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
MERRY: Suicide attack?
PIPPIN: Yep.
MERRY: Let’s go.
They fail miserably and are both captured by the Uruk-Hai.
Aragorn enters and fights the lead Uruk-Hai.
ARAGORN: I never dreamed that Junior League Baseball would be good for swatting thrown daggers away.
He chops off the Uruk-Hai’s arms and head.
URUK-HAI: Come back, ye pansy! I’ll bite ye legs off!
And now, Boromir’s deathbed scene. Death under-tree scene. Whatever.
BOROMIR: Aragorn, I admit I was only jealous of you being a real man.
ARAGORN: …
BOROMIR: Promise me that you’ll save my country, even if it means risking the entire world.
ARAGORN: You got yourself a deal.
BOROMIR: But I still can’t die happy. I nearly caused the end of the world.
ARAGORN: Psssht, that’s not important now.
Back at the boats, Frodo is standing on the shore.
FRODO: So…why am I standing here holding out the Ring?
PETER JACKSON: Because we don’t have nearly enough trailer material.
FRODO: Whatever, can I go now?
PETER JACKSON: Not without Sam.
On cue, Sam appears and wades out into the river after Frodo.
SAM: I’ll commit suicide to stay with you, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: Don’t do it, Sam! There’ll be even more gay jokes about you after this!
SAM: I don’t care anymore!
Sam sinks. Frodo rescues him.
Cut to the boats.
LEGOLAS: Hey, the Hobbits are gone!
ARAGORN: I wish I had Boromir back now.
LEGOLAS: We’ve totally screwed this up. We have to do something.
ARAGORN: Uh, guys? Merry and Pippin? In the clutches of the enemy?
LEGOLAS: Oh yeah…
GIMLI: Now there’s a good idea.
Cut to a…erm…scenic view of Mordor.
FRODO: Would you like to hear a sentimental line, Sam?
SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo, I would. Provided the interpretations will be strictly platonic.
FRODO: Erm…good luck with that.
That is all, for now. I doubt I'll have the next half up for a week or so.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Lesson the Second: Paranoia is your friend.
ARAGORN: Hey, how come your gardeners didn’t clear my mum’s grave, Elrond?
ELROND: I’m holding a grudge.
ARAGORN: What’d I do?
ELROND: Only stole my daughter’s immortal soul. Give it back to her right now.
Cut to a pre-departure scene.
ARAGORN: Hey, Arwen, your dad says I have to give your soul back.
ARWEN: Yeah? Well he can go to hell.
Cut to a different pre-departure scene.
BILBO: Here, you better take the shiny stuff with you.
FRODO: Thanks, Bilbo, but I don’t actually know how to use a sword.
BILBO: You think I do? Put on the armour now, just in case you need it in an upcoming scene. The sword may also be useful.
Frodo obliges. But this means that Bilbo sees the Ring.
BILBO: Oooh, shiny! Gimme!
FRODO: No way!
BILBO: I’m sorry, Frodo, but the Ring’s just so golden…and shiny…shiiiiiiiny…
Frodo gets the heck out of there.
Cut to the actual departure scene.
ELROND: So long, suckers!
FRODO: Which way is Mordor again?
GANDALF: Left.
Frodo walks out of Rivendell, turns right, looks at his hands and starts to head towards the left.
PETER JACKSON: Finally, I can show shots of mountains!
The Fellowship climb up a hill while the suitably epic score plays.
But then they realise that they’ve let themselves in for at least another hour apiece of travelling shots and take a break at a cluster of rocks.
BOROMIR: See, I can be sympathetic too…
PIPPIN: Hey, these sword-fighting lessons hurt!
MERRY: I trip you for that!
ARAGORN: Break it up, boys, break it up.
PIPPIN: We trip you for ruining our fun.
GIMLI: But I dunwanna go this way, Gandalf, it’s too boring.
GANDALF: What do you suggest then?
GIMLI: We could go through the dangerous Mines of Moria.
GANDALF: I’m not even going to attempt to explain my reasoning for not going through the mines now.
Cut to Saruman.
SARUMAN: You were never a fan of spelunking, were you?
Cut back to the Fellowship.
GANDALF: Wait…wait…birds! Run and hide, everyone! Tomorrow we start climbing the mountain.
So they start climbing the mountain, complete with the epic travelling shots. Frodo falls on his ass.
FRODO: I think I might need a better chain for this Ring if I’m going to be carrying it over all this rough terrain.
BOROMIR: It’s okay, Frodo, I have it…oooh…shiny.
ARAGORN: Give it back already.
BOROMIR: Huh? What? Oh yeah.
He hands the Ring back to Frodo.
Cut back to Saruman.
SARUMAN: If you want to ski, I can help!
He sends a massive snowfall to the mountain they’re climbing up.
LEGOLAS: Seriously, people, if you weren’t ready for the black run you shouldn’t have come.
BOROMIR: Too true. Let’s go the most boring way possible.
GIMLI: I still think we should go through the dangerous mines!
GANDALF: Well, it’s not my quest. Frodo, which way do we go?
FRODO: I say we go through the dangerous mines.
GANDALF: Your funeral.
Cut to the track down to Moria.
GANDALF: HEY FRODO! DON’T TRUST ANYONE!
FRODO: Are you sure you couldn’t have told me this at a more inconvenient time?
GANDALF: Now, young Hobbit, pay attention to the giant grey cliff that is in fact the entrance to the mine.
They rock up at the actual doors.
GANDALF: And now for our dramatic entrance. OPEN SESAME!
The door does not open.
GANDALF: Open pecan!
No luck.
GANDALF: Open walnut?
Still nothing.
GANDALF: We might be here for a while, folks.
SAM: I guess taking the horse through the mines is totally out of the question, huh?
ARAGORN: Yep.
PPPIN: Hey Merry, I was just thinking that we haven’t done anything stupid for about an hour.
MERRY: I know…wanna chuck rocks in the lake?
PIPPIN: Sure thing.
ARAGORN: Didn’t you see the sign?
THE SIGN: BEWARE OF SQUID.
PIPPIN: Well, we did. We just chose to ignore it.
Aragorn gives up and walks away.
FRODO: Hey…I can steal Merry’s moment of glory. Gandalf, what’s the Elvish word for sesame?
GANDALF: S3s4m3.
The door opens.
GANDALF: Well, what do you know.
They head into the mines.
GIMLI: Man, they’ve changed the décor since I was here last. Remind me to have a word with Balin about it. I’m not a fan of the skeleton motif.
BOROMIR: Er, Gimli…they’re actually dead.
GANDALF: That’s it, we’re going the boring way.
But then the evil thing Merry and Pippin woke up by throwing rocks into the water attacks the Fellowship and collapses the entrance.
GANDALF: Well, shit.
They start walking.
PIPPIN: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
MERRY: No, now shut up.
Some time later, on the edge of a goddamn huge pit...
MERRY: What’s mined here, anyway?
GANDALF: Remember Bilbo’s shiny armour? The stuff he gave to Frodo with Sting? Yeah, the stuff they made that out of. Mythril.
They stop for a rest when Gandalf can’t remember where he’s going.
FRODO: Don’t look now, but I think Gollum’s following us.
GANDALF: Well, I had to wait for you to figure that out yourself.
FRODO: How come nobody’s killed him yet?
GANDALF: Plot requirements.
FRODO: And how come you haven’t had that many inspirational lines yet?
GANDALF: Because they were saving them for this scene.
FRODO: And now to more important matters. Have you worked out the way out yet?
GANDALF: Just then. I just wanted to finish those inspirational lines first.
The Fellowship glares at him.
GANDALF: Uh, yeah. Welcome to Moria!
GIMLI: Hey, sunlight!
He runs ahead. He finds a tomb.
GANDALF: Oh, it’s his cousin Balin’s.
GIMLI: Oh…there goes my chance to portray the dwarves as hospitable and kindly.
GANDALF: (reads from book) “Help us, there are many goblins.” Honestly, what good did they think that would do?
PIPPIN: Let’s see…can I do stupid stuff independently of Merry?
He pushes a skeleton down a well. It makes a helluva racket.
PIPPIN: Yep.
GANDALF: If you’re not careful, I’ll send you to fetch it.
There is a bit of shrieking and drum-pounding from elsewhere in the mine. Boromir goes to investigate.
BOROMIR: They have a Harry Potter reference.
ARAGORN: Prepare to fight! We must defend against reused monsters!
They fight for a while. Frodo gets himself skewered.
ARAGORN: Why, God, must it always be the Ringbearer who gets stabbed?
GANDALF: Plot.
Legolas eventually shoots the cave troll in the back of the head. But then more drums sound.
GANDALF: Perhaps we should leave.
But they are surrounded by billions upon billions of goblins. It looks bad- until the evil glowing red light shows up at the end of the passageway.
GANDALF: Stand here for a while…dramatic pause…it’s a demon.
The pause continues for a bit.
GANDALF: Run! To the bridge!
ARAGORN: About time, too.
The Fellowship flees to the bridge and cross it. Gandalf stops halfway to hold off the Balrog.
BALROG: Outta my way!
GANDALF: Not without answering these three questions. Answer incorrectly, and you get chucked into the fiery pit of doom. First, what is your name?
BALROG: I am the Balrog of Moria!
GANDALF: What is your quest?
BALROG: To terrorise innocent Hobbits that stray into my territory!
GANDALF: And what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
BALROG: …I don’t know.
The Balrog is catapulted into the fiery pit of doom.
GANDALF: …come to think of it, I don’t know the answer either.
Gandalf is catapulted into the fiery pit of doom.
GANDALF: I’ll catch up with you next fiiiiiiiiiiilm….
CAST: NOOOOOOOO!
The remainder of the Fellowship begins to flee again while some mournful song plays. Outside of the mines, everyone starts crying except for Aragorn and Boromir.
LEGOLAS: Never have I been through such trauma. My clothing has a coat of dust on it. There is grime on my face. And we also lost Gandalf.
ARAGORN: C’mon, people, move out! We gotta get to Lothlorien. No, not that way, Frodo!
Frodo checks his hands and starts moving in the appropriate direction again.
Several shots of the Fellowship running, and then walking through the woods.
GIMLI: Careful, Hobbits. If you stay here too long, your sense of humour might disappear entirely.
HALDIR: Odd. I thought my one-liner was rather good.
GIMLI: Grrrrr…
HALDIR: And now, to business. Piss off.
ARAGORN: What? Why?
HALDIR: You have the One Ring with you. And a dwarf. We don’t have much against the Ring aside from the whole evil-incarnate issue, but the Dwarf smells bad.
GIMLI (in Dwarfish): And you used too much foundation this morning.
Nevertheless, the Elves let the Fellowship into the magical shiny wood.
HALDIR: See, here is the centre of our pretty forest, technically ruled by Celeborn, but in reality ruled by Galadriel. Bet you never saw anything this shiny before, eh, dwarf-boy?
That evening, the Fellowship makes its way up the staircase. Judging by lighting levels, three moons shine over Lothlorien. Judging by the size of the tree, they’re climbing a Californian Redwood.
FELLOWSHIP: Oooooh…shiiiiiiiinyyyyy…
CELEBORN: Yo, Fellowship! What up? Where’s Gandalf?
GALADRIEL: Bit slow on the uptake, aren’t you, dear? He was thrown into a fiery pit of doom in Moria.
CELEBORN: I’ll just keep speaking while everyone else ignored me in favour of my wife, then.
Boromir cracks under Galadriel’s rather spooky voiceover.
GALADRIEL: Ah, so you’re the one with the Ring, Frodo.
Cut to the Lothlorien lawn.
LEGOLAS: Y4y, f4ci4l cl34ns3r. Oh, and isn’t the lament for Gandalf sad?
ARAGORN: Mmph.
SAM: Not as sad as my attempts at poetry.
ARAGORN: Now that Gandalf’s gone, I have to take care of the motivational side. Never say your poetry sucks, Sam.
BOROMIR: Hey, Aragorn, you ever been to Minas Tirith?
ARAGORN: It’s not a patch on the Elvish version. As you can see.
(A/N: Brilliant, brilliant! *ducks thrown objects*)
BOROMIR: I wanna go home.
ARAGORN: Tough it out.
Some time later that night, Galadriel wanders past. Her internal light bulb only wakes up Frodo. He follows her to a pizza tray near the river.
GALADRIEL: I get hungry sometimes in the middle of the night. It’s a magical pizza tray. You can see the future in the base, and when you’re done, a pizza magically appears.
FRODO: That sounds awesome. Can you ask it for specific toppings?
GALADRIEL: Have a go.
Frodo steps up to the Magical Pizza Tray.
FRODO: Erm…I’ll have a Meat Lovers, thanks.
In the base of the Magical Pizza Tray, images of the Shire burning appear.
FRODO: …or maybe I’ll go vegetarian tonight. That was scary.
GALADRIEL: You know that that might just happen, right?
FRODO: You know I have to ask how to avoid it now, right?
GALADRIEL: Hey, Frodo. Don’t trust anyone.
FRODO: What about you? Do you want the Ring?
GALADRIEL: What I really want…is the CHANCE TO MONOLOGUE WITH FREAKY BACKLIGHTING!
FRODO: Eeep!
GALADRIEL: Thanks, but I’ll pass on the whole Ring of Doom thing.
FRODO: So I can’t trust anyone?
GALADRIEL: Well…
Cut to Saruman.
SARUMAN: All right, my Uruk-Hai! I have genetically modified you all so you can win this game of capture the flag. The flags in this case being the Hobbits. Go get ‘em, team!
Cut to everyone leaving Lothlorien the next morning.
GALADRIEL: We’re giving you these quasi-invisibility cloaks. They should come in handy at some stage.
THE FELLOWSHIP: Cool.
GALADRIEL: And food. Boring but important.
Merry and Pippin promptly get stuck into it.
GALADRIEL: Legolas, here’s a new bow. It’s much shinier than your old one.
GIMLI: Great, now he’ll never stop staring at it.
GALADRIEL: Merry and Pippin, have some knives. We’re not trying to foist off all our old junk on you Hobbits, no.
MERRY: Hey Pippin?
PIPPIN: What?
MERRY: Now we have sharp stuff, we can probably do even more stupid things.
GALADRIEL: Here, Sam, have some rope.
SAM: Ma’am, can’t I have something that won’t make me the subject of more gay jokes?
GALADRIEL: Aragorn, Elrond called ahead and told me not to give you anything.
ARAGORN: Awww…
GALADRIEL: And I’m kinda puzzled about what I can give to a dwarf.
GIMLI: Take a look at the stereotype. Gold is good.
Cut to Legolas and Gimli rowing their boat.
LEGOLAS: So what did she give you?
GIMLI: Irony.
Cut back to the Fellowship’s Christmas.
GALADRIEL: Frodo, I am giving you some Lothlorien special bug spray. It also doubles as a lightbulb.
The Fellowship continues by river.
BOROMIR: Hey, Aragorn, Gollum’s following us.
ARAGORN: You only just noticed now?
BOROMIR: Grrrr…why can’t we go save Gondor?
ARAGORN: First, that was random, and two, because I got all hung up on saving the world.
BOROMIR: You suck.
More rowing. They go past some big statues. Between them is a banner.
THE BANNER: Caution: ‘Stop in the name of love’ jokes ahead.
Eventually they come ashore.
ARAGORN: Right, we’ll stop here until it gets dark.
LEGOLAS: We’re being followed by Uruk-Hai, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: You’re even slower than Boromir. We gotta stop here, because this is a major turning point.
Frodo wanders off somewhere. Aragorn notices that Boromir has conveniently wandered off at the same time, coincidentally forgetting his shield.
BOROMIR: Hey, Frodo, it’s not a good time to wander off alone.
FRODO: Look who’s talking.
BOROMIR: Oh, it’s okay for me to wander off alone. I’m a real man.
FRODO: …right.
BOROMIR: Hand over the Ring and nobody will get hurt.
FRODO: No.
BOROMIR: If you give me the Ring, you can be a real man too!
FRODO: You’ve forgotten one thing.
BOROMIR: What?
FRODO: I’m the one with the Ring.
He puts it on, vanishes, and kicks Boromir for good measure. He then appears to run away. Well, not appears, but you know what I mean.
BOROMIR: What? What’d I do?
Frodo continues to run away through the grey Ring-blur. Then he does he virtual tour of Mordor.
THE EYE: I spy with my little eye…
Frodo quickly takes off the Ring. But then Aragorn appears.
ARAGORN: Coincidentally menacing statement, coming your way.
FRODO: Here, take the piece of menacing jewellery!
ARAGORN: …oh shit, I didn’t prepare for this test of character.
FRODO: Please take it?
ARAGORN: Can I have some freaky backlighting here?
PETER JACKSON: Nope.
ARAGORN: Fine then. I don’t want the Ring. Now piss off before I change my mind.
PETER JACKSON: Please don’t sulk, Viggo, see, we have a nice long fight scene for you!
ARAGORN: …okay, I forgive you.
Zillions of Uruk-Hai appear and Aragorn kicks all their asses. Legolas and Gimli also pitch in.
On his way back to the boats, Frodo encounters Merry and Pippin.
PIPPIN: Hey, Frodo, let’s increase our chances of being caught by stage whispering for you to come over here!
FRODO: No way.
PIPPIN: Why not?
MERRY: Isn’t it obvious? He doesn’t want to be caught!
PIPPIN: Then should we do something stupid?
MERRY: Start shouting to draw the attention of the Uruk-Hai in this general direction?
PIPPIN: Yep.
MERRY: Let’s do it.
Many Uruk-Hai start chasing Merry and Pippin. It looks bad for them, but then Boromir enters.
BOROMIR: If Aragorn can do it, I can too!
He does fairly well until the lead Uruk-Hai comes in and shoots him with a crossbow.
There is a dramatic pause.
BOROMIR: I’m all right! Tis but a flesh wound!
URUK-HAI: Oh, then I’ll shoot you again.
BOROMIR: No, no, still fine, that was just my shoulder.
URUK-HAI: What are you, a cockroach?
The Uruk-Hai shoots Boromir a third time.
BOROMIR: Okay, I think that might have done it.
MERRY: Hey, Pippin, do you want to do one last stupid thing for the film?
PIPPIN: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
MERRY: Suicide attack?
PIPPIN: Yep.
MERRY: Let’s go.
They fail miserably and are both captured by the Uruk-Hai.
Aragorn enters and fights the lead Uruk-Hai.
ARAGORN: I never dreamed that Junior League Baseball would be good for swatting thrown daggers away.
He chops off the Uruk-Hai’s arms and head.
URUK-HAI: Come back, ye pansy! I’ll bite ye legs off!
And now, Boromir’s deathbed scene. Death under-tree scene. Whatever.
BOROMIR: Aragorn, I admit I was only jealous of you being a real man.
ARAGORN: …
BOROMIR: Promise me that you’ll save my country, even if it means risking the entire world.
ARAGORN: You got yourself a deal.
BOROMIR: But I still can’t die happy. I nearly caused the end of the world.
ARAGORN: Psssht, that’s not important now.
Back at the boats, Frodo is standing on the shore.
FRODO: So…why am I standing here holding out the Ring?
PETER JACKSON: Because we don’t have nearly enough trailer material.
FRODO: Whatever, can I go now?
PETER JACKSON: Not without Sam.
On cue, Sam appears and wades out into the river after Frodo.
SAM: I’ll commit suicide to stay with you, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: Don’t do it, Sam! There’ll be even more gay jokes about you after this!
SAM: I don’t care anymore!
Sam sinks. Frodo rescues him.
Cut to the boats.
LEGOLAS: Hey, the Hobbits are gone!
ARAGORN: I wish I had Boromir back now.
LEGOLAS: We’ve totally screwed this up. We have to do something.
ARAGORN: Uh, guys? Merry and Pippin? In the clutches of the enemy?
LEGOLAS: Oh yeah…
GIMLI: Now there’s a good idea.
Cut to a…erm…scenic view of Mordor.
FRODO: Would you like to hear a sentimental line, Sam?
SAM: Yes, Mr. Frodo, I would. Provided the interpretations will be strictly platonic.
FRODO: Erm…good luck with that.
That is all, for now. I doubt I'll have the next half up for a week or so.