new fears.
she passed away at 8:15 this morning. after more then a full day of no rest and my mind spinning endlessly, it was finally over. but i've found i've just begun. second guessing myself for not picking up immediately on saturday and going to be with her. thinking about the impact of this result. questioning my own resolve towards my own inevitable passing.
after learning the news that i already intrinsicly knew. first i spoke with my mother, who woke me from a semi-comatose state of consciousness. in a half asleep state while sitting at my computer chair, she related the brief details of the morning to me. i told her i would call her later. after returning to a state of self awareness, i spoke with my brother, and barely kept it together, while he tried to derail the conversation with details about video games. then i spent the better part of the afternoon repeatedly drowning any thought that came to my mind. eventually i returned my mothers phone call. and she sounded happy. we talked about the weather. she told me about her new house that will be finished this winter. slowly, bits of the true conversation bled through, as she related to me the proceedings of my grandmothers will, disguised as non important and slightly dramatic values of familial dispute.
and then she asked if i wanted to talk to my father.
and i just couldn't. i said no. the only condition pertaining to the funeral of my grandmothers will, is that my father will be the only one to speak at it. and frankly, i'm too goddamned empathic to be able to deal with the brunt of his emotional toll, while i'm already feeling so much for him. i coudln't even talk to him on the phone. the idea of doing that at this very moment shakes me to my emotional core. i have no idea how i'm going to be able to deal with seeing him in person.
fuck. i'm a wreck. i need something right now, but i have no idea what the fuck that is. a punching bag? warm arms? more booze? sleep? maybe all of the above, but i'll have none of them as i'm reeling, and incapable of finding/having any of those.
but as can always be assumed, i'm finding new and amazing ways to destroy myself.
after learning the news that i already intrinsicly knew. first i spoke with my mother, who woke me from a semi-comatose state of consciousness. in a half asleep state while sitting at my computer chair, she related the brief details of the morning to me. i told her i would call her later. after returning to a state of self awareness, i spoke with my brother, and barely kept it together, while he tried to derail the conversation with details about video games. then i spent the better part of the afternoon repeatedly drowning any thought that came to my mind. eventually i returned my mothers phone call. and she sounded happy. we talked about the weather. she told me about her new house that will be finished this winter. slowly, bits of the true conversation bled through, as she related to me the proceedings of my grandmothers will, disguised as non important and slightly dramatic values of familial dispute.
and then she asked if i wanted to talk to my father.
and i just couldn't. i said no. the only condition pertaining to the funeral of my grandmothers will, is that my father will be the only one to speak at it. and frankly, i'm too goddamned empathic to be able to deal with the brunt of his emotional toll, while i'm already feeling so much for him. i coudln't even talk to him on the phone. the idea of doing that at this very moment shakes me to my emotional core. i have no idea how i'm going to be able to deal with seeing him in person.
fuck. i'm a wreck. i need something right now, but i have no idea what the fuck that is. a punching bag? warm arms? more booze? sleep? maybe all of the above, but i'll have none of them as i'm reeling, and incapable of finding/having any of those.
but as can always be assumed, i'm finding new and amazing ways to destroy myself.