(no subject)
time for an entirely too much revealing post by me...perhaps not as crypic as i have been before...
the real question about what i'm doing has surfaced, and i don't know what to make of it. i've realized that i've been trivializing my ultimate goal, into some sort of fantasy that is unatainable. but, with what has happened lately, it's become altogether too real. not only do i have a place to go to, and live in hawaii, i have a possible job as well. the other options haven't panned out so well. trying to find a cooking job on a sailing chater boat is not as easy as i would hope it would be. even with connections. but still. hawaii is an option, it gets me closer...rather...all the way to the sea, in the freaking middle of it, and i could work my way into the job that i really desire.
but, on the other hand, i have this place. this dreaded place. landlocked. sterile. angsty. and i love it so. there is, and forever will be a part of me that is enchanted with denver. the people here, from wherever else they may be from since no one is actually from here, are simply put, endearing. and on top of enjoying the people and places around this damned city, i find myself feeling like this is home. this just....feels right, even in its' entirely wrongness.
faced with the decision to leave here, permentantly, i'm caught in a catch 22. leave the place that i've grown to love, feel the immesense possibility of, and actually be able and willing to submerse mysef in the unknown with; or move on, resume my wandering from place to place, ignore the connections and grasp onto any possibility and roll with it.
it's a cruel duality.
from an outside standpoint it's entirely obvious that i'd be settling to stay here. that i've gotten comfortable with a certain amount of variables. but on the other hand i have nothing but possibility. the entire world in my hand. get a job on a ship in the south pacific and see land once every month. or, live in paradise surrounded by beautiful tourists, and pad my cooking resume until the previous is a real option.
and....
because even with everything that denver has brought me - pain, loss, an incredible desire for something new - it still, at some most primitive emotional level, feels like home.
what's more, is that i'm not afraid of the change it would be to leave this place, nothing about that opportunity creates any sort of trepidation. what i am afraid of is that i will leave this place, and forever from that point on feel like i abandoned what little chance i had at creating a home for myself. someplace that i accepted with all of its' faults, its' terrible geography, and the chance of having something that i thought i would never have.
perhaps it all comes back to the ideal of comfort vs. change. but it doesn't fit, because i'm not nearly comfortable here, and i try to change something on a daily basis.
either way, i see this decision as a way for me to finally get some real direction in my life. if i'm to stay here, i know what i'm dealing with and i know what i need to do to succeed. if i go, there is no end to the possibilities of what i can be.
both ways there's struggle and difficulty, there is no path of least resistance to throw myself down this time. and how i'm going to make the decision is way beyond me. flipping coins is out of the picture, as is anyone else's opinion. for the few real life choices i've encountered in my life, i've never found a singular method for figuring them out. but when the answer finds me, i'll be sure to grab onto it quickly and decide instantaneously.
time to finish this bottle of rum and shut the fuck up.
the real question about what i'm doing has surfaced, and i don't know what to make of it. i've realized that i've been trivializing my ultimate goal, into some sort of fantasy that is unatainable. but, with what has happened lately, it's become altogether too real. not only do i have a place to go to, and live in hawaii, i have a possible job as well. the other options haven't panned out so well. trying to find a cooking job on a sailing chater boat is not as easy as i would hope it would be. even with connections. but still. hawaii is an option, it gets me closer...rather...all the way to the sea, in the freaking middle of it, and i could work my way into the job that i really desire.
but, on the other hand, i have this place. this dreaded place. landlocked. sterile. angsty. and i love it so. there is, and forever will be a part of me that is enchanted with denver. the people here, from wherever else they may be from since no one is actually from here, are simply put, endearing. and on top of enjoying the people and places around this damned city, i find myself feeling like this is home. this just....feels right, even in its' entirely wrongness.
faced with the decision to leave here, permentantly, i'm caught in a catch 22. leave the place that i've grown to love, feel the immesense possibility of, and actually be able and willing to submerse mysef in the unknown with; or move on, resume my wandering from place to place, ignore the connections and grasp onto any possibility and roll with it.
it's a cruel duality.
from an outside standpoint it's entirely obvious that i'd be settling to stay here. that i've gotten comfortable with a certain amount of variables. but on the other hand i have nothing but possibility. the entire world in my hand. get a job on a ship in the south pacific and see land once every month. or, live in paradise surrounded by beautiful tourists, and pad my cooking resume until the previous is a real option.
and....
because even with everything that denver has brought me - pain, loss, an incredible desire for something new - it still, at some most primitive emotional level, feels like home.
what's more, is that i'm not afraid of the change it would be to leave this place, nothing about that opportunity creates any sort of trepidation. what i am afraid of is that i will leave this place, and forever from that point on feel like i abandoned what little chance i had at creating a home for myself. someplace that i accepted with all of its' faults, its' terrible geography, and the chance of having something that i thought i would never have.
perhaps it all comes back to the ideal of comfort vs. change. but it doesn't fit, because i'm not nearly comfortable here, and i try to change something on a daily basis.
either way, i see this decision as a way for me to finally get some real direction in my life. if i'm to stay here, i know what i'm dealing with and i know what i need to do to succeed. if i go, there is no end to the possibilities of what i can be.
both ways there's struggle and difficulty, there is no path of least resistance to throw myself down this time. and how i'm going to make the decision is way beyond me. flipping coins is out of the picture, as is anyone else's opinion. for the few real life choices i've encountered in my life, i've never found a singular method for figuring them out. but when the answer finds me, i'll be sure to grab onto it quickly and decide instantaneously.
time to finish this bottle of rum and shut the fuck up.