(no subject)
so, i bought my plane ticket to go Home for the last time today. and, frankly it's affecting me more then i thought it ever would. it occured to me on the drive home from a work a few minutes ago, that i've always had this notion in the back of my head that i can never go Home. it's been an option to be avoided. it was always something i held on to, in much the opposite sense that many people hold the concept of Home - that it was there, but *not* going to ever happen. now it *can't*. going home for thanksgiving, for the last holiday ever in the house i grew up in. 6 days after i leave, i'll never be able to step foot in that house again.
i've never put much feeling into the concept of Home. some place, some building, some environment that keeps you safe and warm. it's always just been a *place* where my family was, frankly that i didn't want to exist around or near. but losing even that brings me some sort of sadness.
over the last few years i've really thought about Home, and the human interaction with the concept. i've always distanced myself from it, as something that other people feel. i've always just internalized the idea, so much so that i've said many times "i *am* my home". which is true to a point. but it's more then that, i've made my life my Home. My friends, my actions, my hapazard plan making, my indecision, are all a part of what gives me that feeling. But, in light of this recent turn of events it makes me feel that i've just been ignoring and abstaining from putting any effort into feeling what i feel about the place i grew up.
and now it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.
i got two weeks before i have to experience this firsthand. saying goodbye to my house. my treehouse. my backyard. the ghost of my dead dog. the garage where my first band practiced. the decrepit old basketball hoop my father built.
and i don't honestly know if i'll be able to keep it together.
i've never put much feeling into the concept of Home. some place, some building, some environment that keeps you safe and warm. it's always just been a *place* where my family was, frankly that i didn't want to exist around or near. but losing even that brings me some sort of sadness.
over the last few years i've really thought about Home, and the human interaction with the concept. i've always distanced myself from it, as something that other people feel. i've always just internalized the idea, so much so that i've said many times "i *am* my home". which is true to a point. but it's more then that, i've made my life my Home. My friends, my actions, my hapazard plan making, my indecision, are all a part of what gives me that feeling. But, in light of this recent turn of events it makes me feel that i've just been ignoring and abstaining from putting any effort into feeling what i feel about the place i grew up.
and now it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.
i got two weeks before i have to experience this firsthand. saying goodbye to my house. my treehouse. my backyard. the ghost of my dead dog. the garage where my first band practiced. the decrepit old basketball hoop my father built.
and i don't honestly know if i'll be able to keep it together.