Fic: Hidden Memory, Chapter two
Jethro Gibbs has always been my weakness and if I'm honest, the thought of him being there made me hesitate before accepting the position of Director. I knew he'd be difficult to maintain authority over, but I had to have confidence in my own ability to do the job. Still, protégé to superior would be a hard change for any man to accept.
The day I arrived all my carefully thought out plans on how it would work were thrown out of the window. I tried to lay down the law on how our relationship would function, I am the Director, he is the Agent; there would be no ‘outside of work’. But then he told me he’d missed me and I melted.
A short while later I find myself in his basement, drink in hand, reminiscing. Way to go, great job sticking to the plan Jen I thought. But the truth was I was happier than I’d been in a long while. After his smart remark about me being good ‘undercover’, I should have cautioned him. If I was cynical and he that calculated I would have sworn he was trying to undermine me, but I knew him to be more of a gentleman than that. Instead of anger I felt joy. It was exhilarating to be back in his presence and I stupidly let my mind began to wonder about where this could go. He called late in the evening, asking me to 'be his partner', and just like that, in less than 24 hours with him back in my life, I am hooked once again.
It has never been easy to say "no’ to him, but at least this time I have my authority to back me up. I thought, being an ex-marine, that following orders would be instinctual. I'd have to work hard to earn his respect, of course, but I was prepared for that. Oh, how wrong I was! I got instant respect, help and support, even understanding when I was too tired to function; coupled with a disobedience I would never have expected, he didn’t even show to receive his medal. The man is such a conundrum that I often despair.
So the year has gone on. Many times I’ve wished that I'd listened to that voice in my head that warned me when I was offered this position. So much has happened, some of it I would rather forget, but there have also been moments I wouldn't change for the world. At first it settled down and everything was fine, there was a balance between work and friendship. But in this job extreme things happen to wake us up and shake us out of complacency. When he was held hostage I had to force myself to be his Director, not his partner. I had to have the same faith in his team as he did. Life is short though, and after that incident I promised myself no more holding back, but it didn't take long for nervousness and reticence to reassert itself.
I was still unsure how he felt about me, if he'd even considered the possibility of there being more. That night though, after I was kidnapped, I could see the fire in his eyes again and it made me want him more than ever before. It would have been so simple then to lean across and devour his mouth, to let him know that I was ok and show him how much I returned his desire. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and breathe in his unique scent. It reminded me of times we'd been on a stakeout as partners and ended up more than a little distracted. But instead he put his hand on mine and I knew I'd have to wait. He was probably right. After all, the day had been pretty dramatic.
The look that he gave me instead promised everything I had been wanting, and the intensity scared the hell out of me. As much as I had wanted him that night, I was left with too much time to think. With my dreams now in reach, the reality of the situation hit home. Back then we were partners, now I am his boss. What if it doesn’t work? What had made me think it would work this time? Too many questions remained unanswered, and too much was at stake to risk making a mistake. The fear made me back away.
Then came the bombing aboard ship. I thought I'd lost him forever and it terrified me. I heard the news at a White House function but nothing was going to keep me away from that hospital, nothing else mattered until I knew that he'd be ok and no receptionist was going to stand in my way: I had to be at his side. Initially his recovery was slow and the revelations that it brought were a shock to most of us. Jethro and I had been partners for over a year, but he'd never once mentioned having lost his family. It explains a lot, I guess, especially our break-up and all his other marriages.
Everything is a mess; I'm still reeling from our last meeting. He said that he loved me, but now he's leaving. I can't even begin to make sense of it right now. A part of me knows that he's right; he has to deal with the past all over again before we can move on. But another part of me is impatient and angry to have gotten so close only for it to fall apart once again so here I am, sitting in darkness, too scared to get out of the car. Am I making a mistake to try and push before he is ready? I really can't say but it is something I feel compelled to do. I finally get out of the car and walk up the path. I knock and hear him as he comes to open the door.
To be continued…
The day I arrived all my carefully thought out plans on how it would work were thrown out of the window. I tried to lay down the law on how our relationship would function, I am the Director, he is the Agent; there would be no ‘outside of work’. But then he told me he’d missed me and I melted.
A short while later I find myself in his basement, drink in hand, reminiscing. Way to go, great job sticking to the plan Jen I thought. But the truth was I was happier than I’d been in a long while. After his smart remark about me being good ‘undercover’, I should have cautioned him. If I was cynical and he that calculated I would have sworn he was trying to undermine me, but I knew him to be more of a gentleman than that. Instead of anger I felt joy. It was exhilarating to be back in his presence and I stupidly let my mind began to wonder about where this could go. He called late in the evening, asking me to 'be his partner', and just like that, in less than 24 hours with him back in my life, I am hooked once again.
It has never been easy to say "no’ to him, but at least this time I have my authority to back me up. I thought, being an ex-marine, that following orders would be instinctual. I'd have to work hard to earn his respect, of course, but I was prepared for that. Oh, how wrong I was! I got instant respect, help and support, even understanding when I was too tired to function; coupled with a disobedience I would never have expected, he didn’t even show to receive his medal. The man is such a conundrum that I often despair.
So the year has gone on. Many times I’ve wished that I'd listened to that voice in my head that warned me when I was offered this position. So much has happened, some of it I would rather forget, but there have also been moments I wouldn't change for the world. At first it settled down and everything was fine, there was a balance between work and friendship. But in this job extreme things happen to wake us up and shake us out of complacency. When he was held hostage I had to force myself to be his Director, not his partner. I had to have the same faith in his team as he did. Life is short though, and after that incident I promised myself no more holding back, but it didn't take long for nervousness and reticence to reassert itself.
I was still unsure how he felt about me, if he'd even considered the possibility of there being more. That night though, after I was kidnapped, I could see the fire in his eyes again and it made me want him more than ever before. It would have been so simple then to lean across and devour his mouth, to let him know that I was ok and show him how much I returned his desire. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and breathe in his unique scent. It reminded me of times we'd been on a stakeout as partners and ended up more than a little distracted. But instead he put his hand on mine and I knew I'd have to wait. He was probably right. After all, the day had been pretty dramatic.
The look that he gave me instead promised everything I had been wanting, and the intensity scared the hell out of me. As much as I had wanted him that night, I was left with too much time to think. With my dreams now in reach, the reality of the situation hit home. Back then we were partners, now I am his boss. What if it doesn’t work? What had made me think it would work this time? Too many questions remained unanswered, and too much was at stake to risk making a mistake. The fear made me back away.
Then came the bombing aboard ship. I thought I'd lost him forever and it terrified me. I heard the news at a White House function but nothing was going to keep me away from that hospital, nothing else mattered until I knew that he'd be ok and no receptionist was going to stand in my way: I had to be at his side. Initially his recovery was slow and the revelations that it brought were a shock to most of us. Jethro and I had been partners for over a year, but he'd never once mentioned having lost his family. It explains a lot, I guess, especially our break-up and all his other marriages.
Everything is a mess; I'm still reeling from our last meeting. He said that he loved me, but now he's leaving. I can't even begin to make sense of it right now. A part of me knows that he's right; he has to deal with the past all over again before we can move on. But another part of me is impatient and angry to have gotten so close only for it to fall apart once again so here I am, sitting in darkness, too scared to get out of the car. Am I making a mistake to try and push before he is ready? I really can't say but it is something I feel compelled to do. I finally get out of the car and walk up the path. I knock and hear him as he comes to open the door.
To be continued…