the devil you know.
i hate winter. if winter was a person, i would beat the bastard down.
so far this year: work crap i already mentioned, car crap i already mentioned, tom got laid off, mom's hours got cut, dad is most likely not getting his bonus, and i'm back-sliding.
it'll be three years in march since i got out of the hospital and the other night i really felt like i belonged back in it. i still kind of do feel that way. i've been ruthlessly depressed when i'm not having manic hallucinations. and then there's insomnia and lack of concentration and having to force myself to do everything that isn't staring blankly ahead. when i have my moments where i actually feel slightly alive, i feel so frustrated with myself. i want to do things but i can't. it's just... fuck.
sometimes i really feel like i've come so far and then there are times like this when i wish j&r didn't make it on-time to save me.
i don't remember most of it. i didn't back then and it's faded even more now. sometimes it bothers me that i don't remember and sometimes i wish i did because it bothers me that there's this black hole in my memory.
yeah, yeah call dr. m blah blah fucking blah. he's booked solid and i'm seeing him next saturday so what the fuck ever.
i'm going to go search online for jobs for tom because at least that makes me feel like i'm worth something.
so far this year: work crap i already mentioned, car crap i already mentioned, tom got laid off, mom's hours got cut, dad is most likely not getting his bonus, and i'm back-sliding.
it'll be three years in march since i got out of the hospital and the other night i really felt like i belonged back in it. i still kind of do feel that way. i've been ruthlessly depressed when i'm not having manic hallucinations. and then there's insomnia and lack of concentration and having to force myself to do everything that isn't staring blankly ahead. when i have my moments where i actually feel slightly alive, i feel so frustrated with myself. i want to do things but i can't. it's just... fuck.
sometimes i really feel like i've come so far and then there are times like this when i wish j&r didn't make it on-time to save me.
i don't remember most of it. i didn't back then and it's faded even more now. sometimes it bothers me that i don't remember and sometimes i wish i did because it bothers me that there's this black hole in my memory.
yeah, yeah call dr. m blah blah fucking blah. he's booked solid and i'm seeing him next saturday so what the fuck ever.
i'm going to go search online for jobs for tom because at least that makes me feel like i'm worth something.