I feel like shit
Well, this is the bottom. I thought i saw bottom but today tops it all. I tried the easy way out. I tried to get away from everyone, and everything that used to make me unhappy, well no nessecarily unhappy, but life more difficult. The shitty thing is, I cared so much about all these people, but as soon as I stopped calling them, they stopped calling me, which really sucks. I'm always playing this trial and error game in my head, I think now though that life isn't supposed to be like this. I go on and on, day by day, hating getting out of bed, feeling like I'm useless, and shitty. I'm just starting to figure out all my issues now, like how I never really had a family, how I cant trust people i know I can, because of my asshole x bf, how no matter how hard I try to look great, and feel good, it just doesn't happen because I'll just complain anyways, how I'm always tired, and have no money at all, what have I done to myself.....this isn't how I'm supposed to be, I'm ebby, I'm a survivor, I've tried to kill myself a few times, but that little voice int he back of my mind wouldn't let me go. I took a whole bottle of Advil extra strenghts on friday night. I just felt so shitty that I wanted too, and I did it without thinking, just popped 40 of em and let it go.....dan flipped on me, he started yelling, saying why the hell did you just do that...he was there while I did it. I told him "I JUST DONT CARE ANYMORE", which is as much truth as I can tell anyone now. I just dont give a fuck about everyones issues, problems, or what the fuck they think of me. The fact that they say their my friends, but would never offer to meet me halfway. How Tawny only calls when she wants her hair done, how people call me when they want drugs. How people call me when they just need to feel needed again. It sucks...and I'm sick of it. I work all this week and I dont know how I'm going to do it, i have to be up at 4:30 on wed, and thursday, for work at 6.....this blows...if i starved myself and smoked cigarettes and never ate, I migth be able to get really skinny, and do some modeling....well thats what someone told me the other day...T-H-A-N-K-S for that, ugh....ok maybe people who say they care, do care, maybe the people that say they love me, do love me, and maybe I can trust people, because they are genuinely good people.....maybe i just need you to prove it. I'd die to have a special surprise right now, someone just show up at my door, give me a hug, and then stay with me all day and watch tv, eat soup, or oatmeal...I'm gonna cry. Bye