thinking
as i was making my lunch this morning i was thinking about things... of course mass confusion has now set in... i received notice that my grad school application has been received and i filled out my fafsa... now all i have to do is get audition materials ready... and honestly that's the easiest part since i should be prepared to play in front of people... also after "the visit" this weekend i've been left thinking about that too... i realized this morning that a person can never be 100% when making big life decisions and that questioning those decisions and feeling like you fluctuate on them constantly really isn't a bad thing... yesterday i went back and forth between knowing exactly where i was going in life to having no clue and wanting to just stay put since i already know what to expect here in cleveland... i realized that making a decision that you think will be a part of the rest of your life is a huge thing... so again all the questioning is acceptable... i also seem to come back to it seeming so right... even though it seems impossible and crazy to know in such a short time that you want to be with someone for the next say 30+ years of your life... at my age this is the biggest life decision i'll make... moving around for new jobs and where you go to school are all important but not something that has this magnitude of influence and permanency... i don't like having to think that far ahead... after all there is a lot of time in between now and when i'm old and gray... but how could i pick up and move if i didn't think that it meant starting this journey... it really for me isn't just about where i will be next year... it's who will i be with the rest of my life... so maybe i am jumping ahead a little... and i'm not saying that within the next year i don't have opportunities to change my mind and maybe realize things are different... but i can't go into this not expecting it to be anything but the start of the rest of my life being shared with someone else... and well... i'm pretty sure it would be the most wonderful life i could imagine sharing with another person... so for right now i'll stick with being as sure as i feel i can be about a decision this important and see where the next couple of months take me... who knows what wrenches will be thrown but i guess what i'm saying is that if at this moment i had to make my decision i'd be packing my bags and starting a scary yet amazingly satisfying journey