Revelation
I woke up this morning feeling incredibly strong.
I don't need anyone. I'd forgotten just how strong I can actually be. But it's great to know that people are there for you if you simply want them to help you.
I don't mean to isolate anyone at the moment, or distance myself from my friends. I feel very independant and able to do my own thing without worrying about what anyone else is up to. I'm not at all feeling the need to cling and depend on any of you.
This is quite strange!
I think that the more someone is there for you, gradually the more you just accept that they're going to be. That it's the done thing. You take it for granted they'll be around. I think that's sometimes why break-ups are so tough.
You've come to not only love this other person, but lean on them increasingly and depend on them to get you through even the day to day things. You've to find your feet again from scratch when it's all over which is not something that's at all easy.
But when I'm single, I'm fierce! I just need to keep hold of this mindset - no, I'm not single. But it's not fair to use sapphrine as a crutch, or rely on him to help me along. The more he's tried to help, the more I've expected and the more accustomed I've become to it, up to the point where recently even simple things became a drain on us both. I'm not going to go back to that.
Yes, I've got to find a balance. One of the concerns is that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Let's face it, what's the point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't ever turn to you and resents you for any help you try to give them? I'm just worried he's really NOT going to like the strong _ebb_ I know I truly am. That's a risk that has to be taken.
Ultimately, I'm doing this for me. Not him and not us. If it carries over to that, and we work things out because of it, wonderful but I need to take this as far as I can. I don't intend to become... what's that term... like granite. But I can't continue as I was. I'm already past that, well past it. I'm not allowing myself to slip back into the pattern I was in and that means being more independant and not relying on anyone other than myself to sort out MY problems. It's too easy to let someone else take responsibility for what goes on inside you're head. Moreover, it becomes a habit. I've shirked it and I can't go back on that.
sapphrine - I look at him and think WOW! He's absolutely gorgeous. I love him to bits. But that's just it - he's HIM. He's not ME. Some people think we're pretty similar. Well, yes we are in some ways. We're both drama queens, both extravagant, both fussy about appearances, both vain - both Goths! Lol.
But we work in very different ways. It's wonderful to gain someone else's insight to a problem but that doesn't mean its the right solution. I've been relying on him to provide me with all the answers... and no matter how similar we are, he can't and nor should he. I've got them myself. Taking advice is one thing but he's been leading me through everything because I've slowly and surely asked more and more of him, and it's exhausted him. I've been a drain and that's not a partnership. It's a death sentence.
But the more he's done it, the more I've let me, the more I've asked him, the more he's done it. It's been a vicious circle. I'm not that weak person - I've just let myself remain weak and pathetic rather than truly sorting out my problems carried over from my relationship with Ian. Richard has tried to steer me in the right direction and I've just ended up giving him total control. He doesn't want a child, or a robot. But I'm just a little worried that he can't deal with a self-confident, happy Emma who asks nothing of him.
Last night, he described it as "going cold turkey" and that he'd be "very scared" if I could do it - he suggested that he might break if he tried to do the same. Part of this was to do with physical contact. We'd not so much as held hands all night at my request - see Saddened. I understand now and can accept hugs, kisses... the whole shebang because I see what he was getting at when he said he wasn't sure if he loved me. He still cares deeply about me, and us, or we wouldn't be working this through. But our future isn't certain at the moment and if he truly was totally in love with me, the way he works, our future wouldn't have a question mark hanging over it. So in a way, he feels the same way as I do. He just expresses it and thinks of it in a different way.
In the nicest possible way, I don't want his help through this. I want to talk, lots, and explain what's happening in my mind. But not for any assurance or boosts, not for any comment on his part. Just to enable him to understand. I'm well and truly standing solo and it'd be great if we can continue as lovers and partners. He's a wonderful man. Take away all the shit I've put him through, take away the crap he's occasionally put me through, and I feel we've made a very successful couple. It really can only get better.
And right now, I know that no matter what happens, our relationship will improve. Even if we end up just as friends.
Earlier this week I told him I couldn't face a friendship with him if we split up. The thought of him being with someone else at that point was totally horrific. It took me 2 years to get over Doug, an ex who I utterly adored (I thought he and I were going to grow old together!). Now, ok, it's not a pleasant thought right now. But I could deal with it. I want us both to be happy. We deserve it. We don't deserve to be miserable. Neither of us should be in a relationship which has failed to work and has no hope of resurrection. The fact that we're still willing to work at this is a brilliant sign. I truly have hope for our future as a couple. Failing that, I have no bitterness towards him now, and am convinced that he won't have any towards me at the end of this.
I feel I've walked away from the creature I'd allowed myself to become, and I feel confident about me and my future - whether or not it lies in sapphrines direction remains to be seen, and I hope it does. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be fun and I'm going to enjoy it!
I don't need anyone. I'd forgotten just how strong I can actually be. But it's great to know that people are there for you if you simply want them to help you.
I don't mean to isolate anyone at the moment, or distance myself from my friends. I feel very independant and able to do my own thing without worrying about what anyone else is up to. I'm not at all feeling the need to cling and depend on any of you.
This is quite strange!
I think that the more someone is there for you, gradually the more you just accept that they're going to be. That it's the done thing. You take it for granted they'll be around. I think that's sometimes why break-ups are so tough.
You've come to not only love this other person, but lean on them increasingly and depend on them to get you through even the day to day things. You've to find your feet again from scratch when it's all over which is not something that's at all easy.
But when I'm single, I'm fierce! I just need to keep hold of this mindset - no, I'm not single. But it's not fair to use sapphrine as a crutch, or rely on him to help me along. The more he's tried to help, the more I've expected and the more accustomed I've become to it, up to the point where recently even simple things became a drain on us both. I'm not going to go back to that.
Yes, I've got to find a balance. One of the concerns is that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Let's face it, what's the point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't ever turn to you and resents you for any help you try to give them? I'm just worried he's really NOT going to like the strong _ebb_ I know I truly am. That's a risk that has to be taken.
Ultimately, I'm doing this for me. Not him and not us. If it carries over to that, and we work things out because of it, wonderful but I need to take this as far as I can. I don't intend to become... what's that term... like granite. But I can't continue as I was. I'm already past that, well past it. I'm not allowing myself to slip back into the pattern I was in and that means being more independant and not relying on anyone other than myself to sort out MY problems. It's too easy to let someone else take responsibility for what goes on inside you're head. Moreover, it becomes a habit. I've shirked it and I can't go back on that.
sapphrine - I look at him and think WOW! He's absolutely gorgeous. I love him to bits. But that's just it - he's HIM. He's not ME. Some people think we're pretty similar. Well, yes we are in some ways. We're both drama queens, both extravagant, both fussy about appearances, both vain - both Goths! Lol.
But we work in very different ways. It's wonderful to gain someone else's insight to a problem but that doesn't mean its the right solution. I've been relying on him to provide me with all the answers... and no matter how similar we are, he can't and nor should he. I've got them myself. Taking advice is one thing but he's been leading me through everything because I've slowly and surely asked more and more of him, and it's exhausted him. I've been a drain and that's not a partnership. It's a death sentence.
But the more he's done it, the more I've let me, the more I've asked him, the more he's done it. It's been a vicious circle. I'm not that weak person - I've just let myself remain weak and pathetic rather than truly sorting out my problems carried over from my relationship with Ian. Richard has tried to steer me in the right direction and I've just ended up giving him total control. He doesn't want a child, or a robot. But I'm just a little worried that he can't deal with a self-confident, happy Emma who asks nothing of him.
Last night, he described it as "going cold turkey" and that he'd be "very scared" if I could do it - he suggested that he might break if he tried to do the same. Part of this was to do with physical contact. We'd not so much as held hands all night at my request - see Saddened. I understand now and can accept hugs, kisses... the whole shebang because I see what he was getting at when he said he wasn't sure if he loved me. He still cares deeply about me, and us, or we wouldn't be working this through. But our future isn't certain at the moment and if he truly was totally in love with me, the way he works, our future wouldn't have a question mark hanging over it. So in a way, he feels the same way as I do. He just expresses it and thinks of it in a different way.
In the nicest possible way, I don't want his help through this. I want to talk, lots, and explain what's happening in my mind. But not for any assurance or boosts, not for any comment on his part. Just to enable him to understand. I'm well and truly standing solo and it'd be great if we can continue as lovers and partners. He's a wonderful man. Take away all the shit I've put him through, take away the crap he's occasionally put me through, and I feel we've made a very successful couple. It really can only get better.
And right now, I know that no matter what happens, our relationship will improve. Even if we end up just as friends.
Earlier this week I told him I couldn't face a friendship with him if we split up. The thought of him being with someone else at that point was totally horrific. It took me 2 years to get over Doug, an ex who I utterly adored (I thought he and I were going to grow old together!). Now, ok, it's not a pleasant thought right now. But I could deal with it. I want us both to be happy. We deserve it. We don't deserve to be miserable. Neither of us should be in a relationship which has failed to work and has no hope of resurrection. The fact that we're still willing to work at this is a brilliant sign. I truly have hope for our future as a couple. Failing that, I have no bitterness towards him now, and am convinced that he won't have any towards me at the end of this.
I feel I've walked away from the creature I'd allowed myself to become, and I feel confident about me and my future - whether or not it lies in sapphrines direction remains to be seen, and I hope it does. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be fun and I'm going to enjoy it!