(no subject)
I was reading an American Analog Set tour diary, and it made me think about this(livejournal)... and how I definitely do not post often enough... and also that the really insignificant things can actually be quite engaging, and that if someone already thinks you're cool... they'll read anything you say, so hopefully one or two people think I'm cool and read my posts becuase... I plan on posting more. And I'll probably say a lot of dumb boring stuff... but maybe something profound and amazing will come out of it. Or maybe not. Or maybe it will be written confirmation that I am a piece of shit. But maybe... maybe not.
I am starting to think that having an extreme lack of self confidence is actually extreme egotism in disguise. I know that I think I am an incredibly worthless piece of shit, but I think that I actually slightly enjoy this mentality. I am also drawn to other people with this mentality, and together we rejoice in our nothingness. We are a cult. We despise people with a sense of self worth. We despise people with egoes. We think we are better than these people becuase we are "humble". I think our heads are bigger and full of more shit than that football player who scored a touchdown and had sex with a cheerleader after drinking 30 beers and crushing cans on his head. However, recognizing this makes me feel ridiculously guilty and I enter into my state of nothingness and self-loathing that originally got me to this state of thought in the first place. It's a deadly cycle I tell you... it's the curse of thought, of self-evaluation. Egh.
I am starting to think that having an extreme lack of self confidence is actually extreme egotism in disguise. I know that I think I am an incredibly worthless piece of shit, but I think that I actually slightly enjoy this mentality. I am also drawn to other people with this mentality, and together we rejoice in our nothingness. We are a cult. We despise people with a sense of self worth. We despise people with egoes. We think we are better than these people becuase we are "humble". I think our heads are bigger and full of more shit than that football player who scored a touchdown and had sex with a cheerleader after drinking 30 beers and crushing cans on his head. However, recognizing this makes me feel ridiculously guilty and I enter into my state of nothingness and self-loathing that originally got me to this state of thought in the first place. It's a deadly cycle I tell you... it's the curse of thought, of self-evaluation. Egh.