(no subject)
I only have one finally left... well, two if you count drama, but I don't. If I don't get an A in that class, I'll cry, especially considering that I spend more time on drama and art than any other classes combined.
It's weird, sometimes I can't remember why I try so hard in school. I mean, I'm smart, and I know that I'm smart, but I consider myself to be creative before I think of myself as being intellectual or whatever. I would much rather sit in my room and paint than figure out Calculus homework. There is nothing in my future that is going to require that I understand completely the fundamental theorem of calculus, and yet I allow myself to have panic attacks at the thought of not succeeding in that class.
I think it's just that I've always been smart, and always done well in school, and most of the time I haven't really had to try. I'm a multi-tasking, and I have lots of interests that I like to pursue. This year I've just taken that to an extreme. I literally went 2.5 months without a day off. And then my coffee habit got out of control, but I'm trying to curb that.
At the beginning of the year, i was trying to blame all my angst and panic on the fact that I had mono and missed the first few weeks of school. That was an easy enough excuse: My boyfriend had just left for school, my best friend wasn't coming back to my school, my sister was away, and on top of that I was sick. But then I came back to school and just worked and worked and worked. I hid behind all of that work to avoid dealing with people and my insecurities and awkwardness. Not that I can't be around people, I know that I'm talkative, but I got really depressed by all of the meaningless conversations. It's sad to be around people who you once really bonded with, and then suddenly can't relate to.
I think that's why I got so into drama and art this year. i knew that I couldn't completely focus on work, as in school and the hardware store, but I also felt really unsatisfied in my relationships with people and needed an outlet for that. It's sort of gotten to the point where I like being by myself more than I probably should.
And it's not like I'm all depressed and self-pitying. Like I said last week, I'm so grateful for all of my opportunities. I think that there's just way to much pressure on me, and everyone for that matter, to be happy and succeed. I'm not a sad person, but I wouldn't describe myself as happy most of the time. I'm moody and quiet (when I'm in small groups). I feel like being around lots of people, especially at Miramonte, makes me change personalities, to be more talkative and peppy, and girly, and ditzy. Not because that's what most people at Miramonte are like, but because I think that's how people see me, and I want to fulfill there expectations. it's weird, because I don't even think people like that aspect of my personality that much. It's artificial (although my clumsiness is not. I really do lack all coordination).
I just don't feel comfortable enough around most people, and even most of my friends, to be serious. But I am serious. I like being serious. I would rather be productive than just have fun.
That's the fucked up part. I'm working so hard, harder than I ever have in my life, and I feel like I'm failing. I'm not meeting all the goals I've set for myself. I feel stupid, academically speaking, because I try so hard, and then don't even do that well. I feel stupid, emotionally speaking, because I know how good I have it, and how completely warped it is for me to complain.
I like being ambitious and smart. there are goals in my life that I want to meet. I think that's healthy, and it's not even a conscious choice i made. When I was younger, i never just decided that "ok, i'm going to try in school". jess and i were talking earlier today, and we were saying how that was always just expected of us. We had to be smart and succeed. And if we didn't do that, there was something wrong with up. I think that's my problem. I equate failure with either laziness or innate flaw. I know that I'm not lazy, so the fact that I'm not doing as well as I hoped makes me feel really terrible about myself.
And I just feel compeletely isolated. I realize that I'm being irrational, so that keeps me from wanting to talk to people about what I know are just petty problems. But then I feel even more isolated. That seems silly too, because I know that so many people feel similar to the way I feel. And I just feel like I've outgrown miramonte. Not the people, because everyone's in sor tof the same place. But want out from the social structure and the expectations, and the fact that people are forced to have anxiety about things (AP Calc) that have absolutely no bearing on the rest of their lives. it's not fair. But at the same time, who am I to complain?
I think I just miss people and friendships that are either gone or weakened. I am a people person, but i haven't had time to be. I don't know. I'm confused and stressed, and I want finals to be over. And I want to start enjoying myself.
Ok, I'm going to go study CAlc, and then off to see Master Elliot (I stole that from toby smith). He's the most beautiful thing in the entire world, and seeing he and Brenna together makes me happy and makes me realize that everything will be fine in the world. She's an amazing mother.
It's weird, sometimes I can't remember why I try so hard in school. I mean, I'm smart, and I know that I'm smart, but I consider myself to be creative before I think of myself as being intellectual or whatever. I would much rather sit in my room and paint than figure out Calculus homework. There is nothing in my future that is going to require that I understand completely the fundamental theorem of calculus, and yet I allow myself to have panic attacks at the thought of not succeeding in that class.
I think it's just that I've always been smart, and always done well in school, and most of the time I haven't really had to try. I'm a multi-tasking, and I have lots of interests that I like to pursue. This year I've just taken that to an extreme. I literally went 2.5 months without a day off. And then my coffee habit got out of control, but I'm trying to curb that.
At the beginning of the year, i was trying to blame all my angst and panic on the fact that I had mono and missed the first few weeks of school. That was an easy enough excuse: My boyfriend had just left for school, my best friend wasn't coming back to my school, my sister was away, and on top of that I was sick. But then I came back to school and just worked and worked and worked. I hid behind all of that work to avoid dealing with people and my insecurities and awkwardness. Not that I can't be around people, I know that I'm talkative, but I got really depressed by all of the meaningless conversations. It's sad to be around people who you once really bonded with, and then suddenly can't relate to.
I think that's why I got so into drama and art this year. i knew that I couldn't completely focus on work, as in school and the hardware store, but I also felt really unsatisfied in my relationships with people and needed an outlet for that. It's sort of gotten to the point where I like being by myself more than I probably should.
And it's not like I'm all depressed and self-pitying. Like I said last week, I'm so grateful for all of my opportunities. I think that there's just way to much pressure on me, and everyone for that matter, to be happy and succeed. I'm not a sad person, but I wouldn't describe myself as happy most of the time. I'm moody and quiet (when I'm in small groups). I feel like being around lots of people, especially at Miramonte, makes me change personalities, to be more talkative and peppy, and girly, and ditzy. Not because that's what most people at Miramonte are like, but because I think that's how people see me, and I want to fulfill there expectations. it's weird, because I don't even think people like that aspect of my personality that much. It's artificial (although my clumsiness is not. I really do lack all coordination).
I just don't feel comfortable enough around most people, and even most of my friends, to be serious. But I am serious. I like being serious. I would rather be productive than just have fun.
That's the fucked up part. I'm working so hard, harder than I ever have in my life, and I feel like I'm failing. I'm not meeting all the goals I've set for myself. I feel stupid, academically speaking, because I try so hard, and then don't even do that well. I feel stupid, emotionally speaking, because I know how good I have it, and how completely warped it is for me to complain.
I like being ambitious and smart. there are goals in my life that I want to meet. I think that's healthy, and it's not even a conscious choice i made. When I was younger, i never just decided that "ok, i'm going to try in school". jess and i were talking earlier today, and we were saying how that was always just expected of us. We had to be smart and succeed. And if we didn't do that, there was something wrong with up. I think that's my problem. I equate failure with either laziness or innate flaw. I know that I'm not lazy, so the fact that I'm not doing as well as I hoped makes me feel really terrible about myself.
And I just feel compeletely isolated. I realize that I'm being irrational, so that keeps me from wanting to talk to people about what I know are just petty problems. But then I feel even more isolated. That seems silly too, because I know that so many people feel similar to the way I feel. And I just feel like I've outgrown miramonte. Not the people, because everyone's in sor tof the same place. But want out from the social structure and the expectations, and the fact that people are forced to have anxiety about things (AP Calc) that have absolutely no bearing on the rest of their lives. it's not fair. But at the same time, who am I to complain?
I think I just miss people and friendships that are either gone or weakened. I am a people person, but i haven't had time to be. I don't know. I'm confused and stressed, and I want finals to be over. And I want to start enjoying myself.
Ok, I'm going to go study CAlc, and then off to see Master Elliot (I stole that from toby smith). He's the most beautiful thing in the entire world, and seeing he and Brenna together makes me happy and makes me realize that everything will be fine in the world. She's an amazing mother.