so now what?
Why can't I be as motivated as I was in high school? This whole "college career" things seems to just be a constant struggle to push myself to finish whatever I have to to get by. Nothing is really inspiring and if anything does spark any inspiration in me, it's all burned out before I finish whatever it was that excited me in the first place and just gets lumped into everything else that I "have to do" at the time. I've always been driven to succeed, I've always been excited about the future, and now that the future is upon me it's just annoying. It's something I have to focus on...not something I enjoy focusing on.
Every now and then I wonder if it's because this really isn't what I want to do with my life. I don't want a career that I HAVE to do. I want one that I WANT to do. And that's a big reason I chose film...it's something that inspires me and excites me and seems full of possibilities. I'm too stubborn and too scared to admit that perhaps that's all in the past. However, many of the things that always used to inspired me have ceased to do so; drawing, writing, reading, playing music, they've all weaseled their ways out of my life by nobody's fault but mine. Besides, what would I ever do with any of that, anyway? I originally came here to be a writer, but that desire soon burned itself out once I came to college and it became a chore. I used to spend entire days locked in my room just drawing picture after picture. I filled sketchbooks, and not just with doodles. I filled journals with stories and poems. On my lunch breaks in high school that weren't spent in the library diligantly finishing my homework, I would draw and write some more. I credit that partially to the adderall.
I don't understand how I can be such an under-motivated person so much of the time. It doesn't fit with my value system at all.
In the 3rd grade I was given the "perseverance" award by my teacher, I assume for a stick-to-it-ive nature. "Perseverant" is just a virtuous word for "stubborn". I'm a pretty flexible person but when I get an idea in my head about the way things should be, it's there to stay and I'll dig in my heels, even if it's a fight against myself. And this is where I want to be. This is what I want to do. Ain't nobody and ain't nothin' no how gonna change my mind, for better or for worse as has consistently been the case. I'm stuck in my own perseverance/stubbornness topped with this idealistic outlook that everything will turn out for the better. That was always nicely complimented by a forward-thinking attitude that has inconveniently and significantly dissapated now when I need it the most.
Wtf.
Every now and then I wonder if it's because this really isn't what I want to do with my life. I don't want a career that I HAVE to do. I want one that I WANT to do. And that's a big reason I chose film...it's something that inspires me and excites me and seems full of possibilities. I'm too stubborn and too scared to admit that perhaps that's all in the past. However, many of the things that always used to inspired me have ceased to do so; drawing, writing, reading, playing music, they've all weaseled their ways out of my life by nobody's fault but mine. Besides, what would I ever do with any of that, anyway? I originally came here to be a writer, but that desire soon burned itself out once I came to college and it became a chore. I used to spend entire days locked in my room just drawing picture after picture. I filled sketchbooks, and not just with doodles. I filled journals with stories and poems. On my lunch breaks in high school that weren't spent in the library diligantly finishing my homework, I would draw and write some more. I credit that partially to the adderall.
I don't understand how I can be such an under-motivated person so much of the time. It doesn't fit with my value system at all.
In the 3rd grade I was given the "perseverance" award by my teacher, I assume for a stick-to-it-ive nature. "Perseverant" is just a virtuous word for "stubborn". I'm a pretty flexible person but when I get an idea in my head about the way things should be, it's there to stay and I'll dig in my heels, even if it's a fight against myself. And this is where I want to be. This is what I want to do. Ain't nobody and ain't nothin' no how gonna change my mind, for better or for worse as has consistently been the case. I'm stuck in my own perseverance/stubbornness topped with this idealistic outlook that everything will turn out for the better. That was always nicely complimented by a forward-thinking attitude that has inconveniently and significantly dissapated now when I need it the most.
Wtf.