(no subject)
I've been in a funk for the last couple days. I thought it might be the weather yesterday, which was as nasty as nasty can get, and spent the majority of the day with a strange knot the size of a tangerine just under my ribs. I've been thinking, on and off, about what I'm "doing with my life." I know I'm in that glorious, somewhat irrational stage in my life that most 18-24 year olds are in, discovering the world in a new light--so far, I've mostly been left disappointed with the world. Then there's me, I'm finding in many ways I'm not the person I thought I was, or thought I would be. I'm not as strong or as wise as I once fancied myself to be, (though I've always been aware of the fact that I don't know shit, it's sometimes hard to REALLY realize that, no matter how much you tell it to yourself.) I've been waiting for the future my whole life, and now that it's finally here, I don't know what to do with it.
Film has been a dream of mine since the 6th grade, I started out simply thinking in terms of, "This is how I'd make something into a movie," and that grew over the years into a passion for telling stories, or whatever. I initially came to this school for screenwriting, but I'm not as much of a dreamer, nor do I feel as creative, as I once did, as I have been my whole life. Transitioning to the "real world" has taken an unexpected toll on me.
And though film has been and still is a dream of mine, I am realizing (among many other things) that not all dreams can be fulfilled, some of them should maybe just remain dreams, as sad as that thought makes me and as afraid as I am about being disappointed in myself later in life. I don't want to leave here, but why don't I want to leave? It's not just that I don't want to give up on dedicating myself to film for the rest of my life. Even though I feel like many of the connections I've made here with people are false, and I thought going to a smaller school with people similar to myself would lead to being closer to others, the pseudo-connections I have here are all I have and I often just "take what I can get." I've always had a hard time letting go of things, (grudges, material things, people...) and this is no different. I don't want to leave the people, because I know they'd mostly (if not all) slowly fade out of my life. And once I leave, that's it. I can't pick up where I left off if I decided to change my mind again. I've also been thinking recently, (on and off,) that I might want to go into psychology instead. I've always found it easier to take care of other people rather than myself. However, along with doubting the decisions I thought I wanted to make for my life, I've been doubting myself a lot lately as well. I don't know if I could handle it. Would it be too hard for me? Would I be able to make it?
Having been in therapy since the dawn of time, I've taken numerous psychological tests, many of which tell you at the end some career paths that are good for one's personality type. Though artistic careers come up a lot, the field of psychology and others that deal with helping others come up time and time again as well. I've always been an artist-type and a dreamer, and always thought that that's what I would always be in the future, but maybe that's not the "right" path for me. It scares and saddens me, but at the same time I'm working on not keeping myself in a constant state of denial about things.
I don't know.
Film has been a dream of mine since the 6th grade, I started out simply thinking in terms of, "This is how I'd make something into a movie," and that grew over the years into a passion for telling stories, or whatever. I initially came to this school for screenwriting, but I'm not as much of a dreamer, nor do I feel as creative, as I once did, as I have been my whole life. Transitioning to the "real world" has taken an unexpected toll on me.
And though film has been and still is a dream of mine, I am realizing (among many other things) that not all dreams can be fulfilled, some of them should maybe just remain dreams, as sad as that thought makes me and as afraid as I am about being disappointed in myself later in life. I don't want to leave here, but why don't I want to leave? It's not just that I don't want to give up on dedicating myself to film for the rest of my life. Even though I feel like many of the connections I've made here with people are false, and I thought going to a smaller school with people similar to myself would lead to being closer to others, the pseudo-connections I have here are all I have and I often just "take what I can get." I've always had a hard time letting go of things, (grudges, material things, people...) and this is no different. I don't want to leave the people, because I know they'd mostly (if not all) slowly fade out of my life. And once I leave, that's it. I can't pick up where I left off if I decided to change my mind again. I've also been thinking recently, (on and off,) that I might want to go into psychology instead. I've always found it easier to take care of other people rather than myself. However, along with doubting the decisions I thought I wanted to make for my life, I've been doubting myself a lot lately as well. I don't know if I could handle it. Would it be too hard for me? Would I be able to make it?
Having been in therapy since the dawn of time, I've taken numerous psychological tests, many of which tell you at the end some career paths that are good for one's personality type. Though artistic careers come up a lot, the field of psychology and others that deal with helping others come up time and time again as well. I've always been an artist-type and a dreamer, and always thought that that's what I would always be in the future, but maybe that's not the "right" path for me. It scares and saddens me, but at the same time I'm working on not keeping myself in a constant state of denial about things.
I don't know.