the vice guide to girls...
...or the vice guide to cute indie-chicks who drink tea and have sexy dreams about jenny lewis! hooray!
"assholes"
guys think we’re attracted to assholes because that’s their only defense for when we dump them. when girls are rejected we turn it inward and blame ourselves for not being prettier. that’s our bad, we know. but when dudes are rejected they makes grand statements like, “women love guys that are assholes, they don’t care about us nice guys!” and then that grand statement spreads like the wave at a yankees game and next thing you know it’s written in fucking stone because dudes are able to write stuff in stone! yes, they have that much power.
we don’t want you to push our heads down to your crotch area when you want a blowjob, but we also don’t want you to cry and write shitty emo poetry and paint our portrait in pastels. it’s just that there’s only a teeny wading pool in between the lake of total assholes and the bay of fucking pussies, so sometimes when we’re horny we’ll take what we can get. ultimately we all want the same things: good sex ’n’ giggles. so learn how to eat pussy and start memorizing lines from will ferrell comedies like your sex life depends on it. because it does.
"chick lit"
in case you’ve been living on lord of the flies island, “chick lit” is book-speak for literature written by women, for women who act like girls. we try to love it but we don’t. why? because it’s usually written about normal girls who have normal jobs and try to get ahead in their boring, normal careers and we can’t understand why. they are filled with clichés and have stolen our lingo, like “totes” and, even more embarrassing, ancient terms like “hottie” (so ’96). sometimes these books are about rich women who have nannies, and then maybe their nannies keep a diary and we’re supposed to care about that, too. this just in: we don’t!
"feminism"
we get so mad when some nitwit says she’s not a feminist. i guess if you’re cool with being raped all the time and having no options in life other than being a baby machine or a prostitute, then yeah, you’re probably not a feminist. but if you enjoy birth-control pills and not being beaten up by your owner - i mean, husband - then you pretty much are one so you may as well stop shaving your legs right now. Just kidding. somewhere along the way feminism got a bad rep, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a sourpuss or that you can’t write tongue-in-cheek articles riddled with silly gender stereotypes. all it means is that you don’t hate yourself.
"jenny lewis"
dear jesus,
thank you for giving us jenny lewis. she sings real purdy and has nice hair.
love,
girls
"kathleen hanna"
dear satan,
thank you for giving us kathleen hanna. she doesn’t care what you think, and we don’t either.
love,
grrls
"LUG"
if you went to a liberal arts college you already know that LUG stands for: lesbian until graduation. real lesbians get annoyed that straight girls experiment with lesbianism in college just to hopefully scare their parents when they mention it at thanksgiving. and we can’t really blame the lesbos - lugs are the leading number-one cause of lesbian heartbreak in america. every dyke we know has been used then chucked by at least one “bi-curious” girl.
"thongs"
one question: w? i own one thong and the only time i wear it is on laundry day. and typical me, every laundry day i forget how fucking annoying they are and i find myself picking at invisible wedgies the whole time. but you can’t pick thong wedgies because a thong IS a wedgie. you are choosing to give yourself a wedgie. and why, because it looks hot to dudes when you lean over and they see the little stringy triangle sticking out? where were you born, asbury park? do your kids go to preschool in a casino? thongs are fucking cheesy! if you don’t want your panty lines to show (reconsider, however, panty lines can be really hot) then why not just wear...nothing? what a shocker. and don’t be scared that people will be able to see your woo-woo like paris and lindsay. those girls want to show off their vaginas. and why shouldn’t they? vaginas are way prettier than thongs.
"waxing"
waxing hurts. it hurts a lot. god forbid you should choke on a pubic hair while you’re eating us out. thank you, Larry David. what’s with girls waxing everything though? we can understand a bikini wax, and even a betweeny wax (only jewish and italian girls need apply), but getting a brazilian and having absolutely no hair down there is a little weird. looking like a five-year-old when you get naked is just gross. if men like it, if they’re the ones that specifically request it, you might want to take into consideration that they’re pedophiles. sorry but it’s true. we understand that not everyone wants to embrace their inner andrea dworkin, and we agree that personal grooming is important. but it doesn’t mean you have to look like a porn star. no one looks like that. sex is supposed to be awkward and weird and dirty, with stray hairs and stinky pits. those are the things that sometimes make it the sexiest.
"assholes"
guys think we’re attracted to assholes because that’s their only defense for when we dump them. when girls are rejected we turn it inward and blame ourselves for not being prettier. that’s our bad, we know. but when dudes are rejected they makes grand statements like, “women love guys that are assholes, they don’t care about us nice guys!” and then that grand statement spreads like the wave at a yankees game and next thing you know it’s written in fucking stone because dudes are able to write stuff in stone! yes, they have that much power.
we don’t want you to push our heads down to your crotch area when you want a blowjob, but we also don’t want you to cry and write shitty emo poetry and paint our portrait in pastels. it’s just that there’s only a teeny wading pool in between the lake of total assholes and the bay of fucking pussies, so sometimes when we’re horny we’ll take what we can get. ultimately we all want the same things: good sex ’n’ giggles. so learn how to eat pussy and start memorizing lines from will ferrell comedies like your sex life depends on it. because it does.
"chick lit"
in case you’ve been living on lord of the flies island, “chick lit” is book-speak for literature written by women, for women who act like girls. we try to love it but we don’t. why? because it’s usually written about normal girls who have normal jobs and try to get ahead in their boring, normal careers and we can’t understand why. they are filled with clichés and have stolen our lingo, like “totes” and, even more embarrassing, ancient terms like “hottie” (so ’96). sometimes these books are about rich women who have nannies, and then maybe their nannies keep a diary and we’re supposed to care about that, too. this just in: we don’t!
"feminism"
we get so mad when some nitwit says she’s not a feminist. i guess if you’re cool with being raped all the time and having no options in life other than being a baby machine or a prostitute, then yeah, you’re probably not a feminist. but if you enjoy birth-control pills and not being beaten up by your owner - i mean, husband - then you pretty much are one so you may as well stop shaving your legs right now. Just kidding. somewhere along the way feminism got a bad rep, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a sourpuss or that you can’t write tongue-in-cheek articles riddled with silly gender stereotypes. all it means is that you don’t hate yourself.
"jenny lewis"
dear jesus,
thank you for giving us jenny lewis. she sings real purdy and has nice hair.
love,
girls
"kathleen hanna"
dear satan,
thank you for giving us kathleen hanna. she doesn’t care what you think, and we don’t either.
love,
grrls
"LUG"
if you went to a liberal arts college you already know that LUG stands for: lesbian until graduation. real lesbians get annoyed that straight girls experiment with lesbianism in college just to hopefully scare their parents when they mention it at thanksgiving. and we can’t really blame the lesbos - lugs are the leading number-one cause of lesbian heartbreak in america. every dyke we know has been used then chucked by at least one “bi-curious” girl.
"thongs"
one question: w? i own one thong and the only time i wear it is on laundry day. and typical me, every laundry day i forget how fucking annoying they are and i find myself picking at invisible wedgies the whole time. but you can’t pick thong wedgies because a thong IS a wedgie. you are choosing to give yourself a wedgie. and why, because it looks hot to dudes when you lean over and they see the little stringy triangle sticking out? where were you born, asbury park? do your kids go to preschool in a casino? thongs are fucking cheesy! if you don’t want your panty lines to show (reconsider, however, panty lines can be really hot) then why not just wear...nothing? what a shocker. and don’t be scared that people will be able to see your woo-woo like paris and lindsay. those girls want to show off their vaginas. and why shouldn’t they? vaginas are way prettier than thongs.
"waxing"
waxing hurts. it hurts a lot. god forbid you should choke on a pubic hair while you’re eating us out. thank you, Larry David. what’s with girls waxing everything though? we can understand a bikini wax, and even a betweeny wax (only jewish and italian girls need apply), but getting a brazilian and having absolutely no hair down there is a little weird. looking like a five-year-old when you get naked is just gross. if men like it, if they’re the ones that specifically request it, you might want to take into consideration that they’re pedophiles. sorry but it’s true. we understand that not everyone wants to embrace their inner andrea dworkin, and we agree that personal grooming is important. but it doesn’t mean you have to look like a porn star. no one looks like that. sex is supposed to be awkward and weird and dirty, with stray hairs and stinky pits. those are the things that sometimes make it the sexiest.