it was time for a cigarette

Mar 24, 2005 13:08

in order to adequately prepare for my accounting exam i forced myself to remain awake from last night until now.
i kept myself on a strict regimen of amphetamines and caffeine.
harry and i stayed awake all night and proceeded to appreciate deliriousness.
i erratically bounced between the numbers crawling all over the pages in my lap and the distractions of mild insanity.
i could hear my teeth clench and i was conciously unaware of my leg rapidly shooting up and down as if powering my insomnia like a piston.
as the digital readout of the clock became more frantic in my darting eyes, i started to realize that at that moment i could feel time decellerating.
realizing that i still had 4 hours until my class, a gentle panic briefly occupied my exisence.
the feeling was not that of fear or nervousness, but a quiver of reality in its purest form.
it was time for a cigarette.
harry and i clumsily followed that routine path to the elevators, out the glass door and onto the street infront of our building.
familiarity has taken new form.
i feel almost isolated by routine.
we stood surrounded by the city, miniscule participants in the energy of the world.
i watched the sun struggle through the fog clinging to the tops of enormous buildings.
i felt privelaged to witness the life like dance of pale light and color in the scape infront of me.
to fully appreciate a morning like this one must bear witness to its birth from its predessesor of darkness.
as if we concieved this morning from the night we spent awake.
time became even slower and so did i.
i had a point to reach but i was having such an unbelievabley hard time finding the striaght line.

i am still awake and dont understand why.
all i truly want right now is to be unconcious of the world i have created.
but my leg is still in constant motion and my teeth are still clenched.
being tired is a state of mind, i dont understand the concept.
why am i writing?
why am i alone in an incredibly dark room?
why arent i asleep?
is this intended for anyone to read?
is the physical limit of my being reached at this very moment?
what happens after that?

am i exagurating?

i dont know if i can handle being at home for a week.
the sharp contrast might cut my sanity in half.

all i really want is nothing.
i want to want nothing.

that would be beautiful.
do i deserve that?
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