(no subject)
i hate college. i don't want to go. but i don't want to be in this house any longer than is necessary. and i don't want to struggle financially, like my family has, in my future so i have to go to college to "do something with my life." i was just in my room, packing the two sweaters i own for a trip to ESF in syracuse, and i basically had a breakdown. up until then, i had never thought about college, and my future, in a realistic way. it was always something i had plenty of time to settle. but when i actually viewed college as something i'm going to do in a number of months, i realized that i don't want to go to ESF, not even a little. i actually wanted to slap myself because i've been so useless and apathetic about college..i just kind of picked ESF to not be bothered with any of it. i didn't genuinely consider that all their majors are science oriented and i don't even have the option of pursuing perhaps my only talent - writing. i couldn't major in sociology or psychology or any other liberal arts type subject. my classes would be all science, for four years. i hate science. and i'm bad at it. i almost convinced myself that because i could focus on animals in science, i would learn to enjoy it. but when i'm totally honest with myself, i know that i don't want to be a veterinarian. and i don't want to have any of the jobs the speakers talked about at the ESF seminar i went to. i don't want to have an environmental job. i don't have the passion for it. i have a passion for justice in life, so i'm interested in animal rights because right now they're the most abused species of life, and that's unjust. and i'm interested in the environmental policies of the Bush administration because they're bullshit. so activism will always be in my life. but i don't want to get up every morning and review land plots for chemical pollution. am i making sense?
this is very boring for anyone that's not me. but writing about it helps me organize my thoughts.
other things about ESF that i hate: it snows seven months out of the year in syracuse. also, i didn't get good vibes from the speakers i heard. i was basically turned off at that point in time but i felt like it was too late to change my mind. thank god it's not. also, i am a baby. i don't want to make new friends. i'm avoidant and i'll isolate myself. i'm going to college with amanda if i want to be alive by the end of my first year. the end.
okay. well. i feel better now. i told my parents all of this and we're not visiting the school tomorrow so i can just enjoy the rest of my vacation.
this is very boring for anyone that's not me. but writing about it helps me organize my thoughts.
other things about ESF that i hate: it snows seven months out of the year in syracuse. also, i didn't get good vibes from the speakers i heard. i was basically turned off at that point in time but i felt like it was too late to change my mind. thank god it's not. also, i am a baby. i don't want to make new friends. i'm avoidant and i'll isolate myself. i'm going to college with amanda if i want to be alive by the end of my first year. the end.
okay. well. i feel better now. i told my parents all of this and we're not visiting the school tomorrow so i can just enjoy the rest of my vacation.