Messy Ramblings.... No Fun At All
I've dealt with death a lot in my life, but this one hit me the hardest. It's hard to explain. In fact, explaining is probably the last thing most people think about now...in this emotion. I just can't process my emotions any other way. There's one person I talk to in this state--in states similar; it's never this bad. I feel guilty, though. It's one-sided, selfish. I just need to talk, not be comforted, and I know he takes joy in comforting. I know there are people who would like to talk, but I feel like in explaining what I'm feeling, I might reveal to people how empty I am.
I care a lot about everyone. It's not that. There's a lot of guilt, but that's not the big thing. There's an echo in a spot that I've feared was empty. It's a spot that I have a hard time locating. There's supposed to be a major landmark there, I think.I didn't go there. I wouldn't go there. I couldn't help someone. I don't even know....
I feel guilty and cowardly and scared and...I don't even know. I hate not being able to figure out my own emotions. I hate when words and logic can't get me where I need to be.
I need...I need a therapist who does house calls, an emotional caretaker.
I'm empty in a place I can't explain, but you'd be really disappointed at the level at which I connect to other people. I'm sorry. I feel emotions like guilt and sadness and excitement, but most of them are horribly shallow. I just feel these things really intensely because I'm lacking another sense that most people have. It makes it easy for me to be rational and self-righteous. It's not what a person is lacking when they're a sociopath. I wish.... I just can't even explain because it's something you take for granted, but I've never had it. I'm a fraud, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Trust me, I have the capacity to feel terrible about it. I'm usually just better able to regulate that.
Please, hang in there with our friendship. I'm going to work on this now, I am. It was just nice to feel for a second that every relationship, platonic, romantic or in-between wasn't a dead end. It's me. It's me. It really is me. I'm a horrible fraud, but I was fooling myself. I'm a hypocrite, a terrible hypocrite. I just don't know where to even start. I don't really have a family, you know. Maybe I'm just a little behind?
I don't even know. Maybe this is grief, proper mourning. I don't even know. I just don't know how people feel, how I should feel...ever.
I feel sick, and I don't really know what to do right now.
I don't need much of anything unless you happen to know this feeling and have corrected it. I'm great at wallowing alone, but problem identification and correction tips are great.
I care a lot about everyone. It's not that. There's a lot of guilt, but that's not the big thing. There's an echo in a spot that I've feared was empty. It's a spot that I have a hard time locating. There's supposed to be a major landmark there, I think.I didn't go there. I wouldn't go there. I couldn't help someone. I don't even know....
I feel guilty and cowardly and scared and...I don't even know. I hate not being able to figure out my own emotions. I hate when words and logic can't get me where I need to be.
I need...I need a therapist who does house calls, an emotional caretaker.
I'm empty in a place I can't explain, but you'd be really disappointed at the level at which I connect to other people. I'm sorry. I feel emotions like guilt and sadness and excitement, but most of them are horribly shallow. I just feel these things really intensely because I'm lacking another sense that most people have. It makes it easy for me to be rational and self-righteous. It's not what a person is lacking when they're a sociopath. I wish.... I just can't even explain because it's something you take for granted, but I've never had it. I'm a fraud, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Trust me, I have the capacity to feel terrible about it. I'm usually just better able to regulate that.
Please, hang in there with our friendship. I'm going to work on this now, I am. It was just nice to feel for a second that every relationship, platonic, romantic or in-between wasn't a dead end. It's me. It's me. It really is me. I'm a horrible fraud, but I was fooling myself. I'm a hypocrite, a terrible hypocrite. I just don't know where to even start. I don't really have a family, you know. Maybe I'm just a little behind?
I don't even know. Maybe this is grief, proper mourning. I don't even know. I just don't know how people feel, how I should feel...ever.
I feel sick, and I don't really know what to do right now.
I don't need much of anything unless you happen to know this feeling and have corrected it. I'm great at wallowing alone, but problem identification and correction tips are great.