(no subject)
So today I'm feeling a bit more grounded than I have been. I feel like I've just been all over lately. Well, everywhere but up. Ha. I want to say, "just shaking the glass," but I'm not sure I've even explained that analogy to anyone. I'm feeling a little more stable, though, and not quite so miserable and dysfunctional.
I'm still not sure what to do to make progress, though. Celibacy is still very possible, though there are a couple people in my life to whom I'm nervous about explaining my difficulties with sober intimacy. Both are really great, and I don't want to give the impression that things that have happened between us are less meaningful to me than they seemed to be, but I'm sure they'd want to take a time-out knowing that something's not quite right...though maybe I've got some things all backwards in my head.
I'm still trying to figure out what makes me so drawn to jerks. The sweet, creative, honest, open, considerate, caring and sensitive guys in my life right now just don't seem to hold my interest like the assholes. I keep hoping to realize that something I thought was chemistry was something else entirely, and I'm really not as much of a mess as I thought. The one explanation I can think of now is this crazy mindfuck metaphor that only half covers my interest in guilt and shame, things that ultimately lead to dishonesty. Maybe it's as simple as that, needing to push into some deep, secret part of a person that only exists when they feel the need to hide things...which is maybe connected to the intimacy issue? Ugh. I don't know.
Now, if I choose to try and push forward with something that seems like it could develop into a healthy relationship, is the responsible thing to do to tell a person that this is a test, that they're probably too good a person for things to work out? Should I let them know that I may very well be swept off my feet by some emotionally reckless asshole with sex-offender charm, but we'll always be friends and I'll try to keep them updated on my whereabouts when I end up locked in an attic somewhere?
I just feel like I don't understand myself well enough to be honest with anyone who deserves honesty. Someone told me he was worried he wasn't mean and nasty enough for me a while ago. I laughed, but I never told him that's the real reason I never wanted to commit to anything more serious. It's not even mean and nasty so much as...internally conflicted and maybe likely to be seriously dangerous. In the end, I suppose they usually turn out to be essentially the same thing, though.
I'm still not sure what to do to make progress, though. Celibacy is still very possible, though there are a couple people in my life to whom I'm nervous about explaining my difficulties with sober intimacy. Both are really great, and I don't want to give the impression that things that have happened between us are less meaningful to me than they seemed to be, but I'm sure they'd want to take a time-out knowing that something's not quite right...though maybe I've got some things all backwards in my head.
I'm still trying to figure out what makes me so drawn to jerks. The sweet, creative, honest, open, considerate, caring and sensitive guys in my life right now just don't seem to hold my interest like the assholes. I keep hoping to realize that something I thought was chemistry was something else entirely, and I'm really not as much of a mess as I thought. The one explanation I can think of now is this crazy mindfuck metaphor that only half covers my interest in guilt and shame, things that ultimately lead to dishonesty. Maybe it's as simple as that, needing to push into some deep, secret part of a person that only exists when they feel the need to hide things...which is maybe connected to the intimacy issue? Ugh. I don't know.
Now, if I choose to try and push forward with something that seems like it could develop into a healthy relationship, is the responsible thing to do to tell a person that this is a test, that they're probably too good a person for things to work out? Should I let them know that I may very well be swept off my feet by some emotionally reckless asshole with sex-offender charm, but we'll always be friends and I'll try to keep them updated on my whereabouts when I end up locked in an attic somewhere?
I just feel like I don't understand myself well enough to be honest with anyone who deserves honesty. Someone told me he was worried he wasn't mean and nasty enough for me a while ago. I laughed, but I never told him that's the real reason I never wanted to commit to anything more serious. It's not even mean and nasty so much as...internally conflicted and maybe likely to be seriously dangerous. In the end, I suppose they usually turn out to be essentially the same thing, though.