God works in mysterious ways
Okay, well if you don't believe in God, then it's something else... but somehow, there seems to be this reoccuring message. And finally I'm getting it.
After I went to South Baltimore Station, I figured out that those guys really are just looking out for themselves, not selfishly, but in order to succeed sometimes you have to put yourself before everybody else. Last night, I went and saw a movie with JD, Dave, and Megan Cappy. We went and saw "The Holiday" with Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, and Jack Black. I liked it.. even though it was probably one of the biggest chick flicks I've ever seen. But in the movie, it gets to a point where the 2 girls are so miserable that they just want to take a break and switch lives and get a change.. and a chance to forget. This really made me start thinking about the way that I've been dragging out relationships and not moving on from ones that really are bad for me. I kept thinking, what if love really is that easy.. what if there is only one person for everybody.. why can't everything be like the movies... and then I started thinking about my situation with Mike, and it was exactly as those in that movie. I kept him as a friend and tried to make a friendship work, because I'm a "nice" person. Regardless of what everybody told me, I kept the relationship open and let him make me miserable and let him get to me. I learned that was a hugeee mistake. It added stress, tears, and anger and I did not need that, nor did I want that. But it happened anyway.. and I guess I can say that I've finally learned from it. With the movie, and with the guys at the South baltimore Station, I've realized that I need to take time for me. Not from relationships, but from everything that is stressing me out.. and from everything that really just has been getting to me lately. I need to not want to be friends with ex boyfriends, because it never works except for the select few. I need to learn when to stop talking to somebody when they are wasting my time. On my winter break, I plan to spend it with my family, I plan to spend time with my friends, and I plan to find somebody that will make me happy that is not my best friend. I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything like that, sure it'd be nice, but I'm not going to push for it. I want to find something that will make me happy without the strings and drama that past relationships have dealt me. I'm mostly doing some soul searching, to find what I truly want out of life and what I want to do about my current situations with school, soccer, swimming, etc.
I really just want to be happy again.. not just content, but truly happy.
I try so hard to please everybody, and I guess I've been letting my own happiness fall behind. Don't get me wrong, I'm not emo, I'm not angry, nor am I sad or upset. But I let things get to me, I get stressed, and I have gotten to the point, where nothing is worth giving up my own happiness.
I want to be worry-free, carefree.. like this past summer. I want to spend more time with those that mean the most to me. I want to make time for something to happen or for somebody to come along. I want to do things for me, and nobody else.
I guess I've finally gotten the mentality to go for it.
Thank you for those that have stuck by me. Thank you for those who have talked to me about this. And Thanks for all of you that keep me smiling. Words will never describe how much you mean to me.