2016
So.
......I worked yesterday with Him. I couldn't decide if I wanted to give him the present that I bought him. I have hardly seen him since right before thanksgiving. The few times I have seen him, he's barely said hello. Yesterday, he immediately did his passive aggressive move of requesting me to help him at some point in the shift with his Cerner/computer questions. To me-that says he wants my attention. Period. His questions are easy & invalid. He knows the answers. C'mon. Soon he will have to think of something better to use as an excuse for us to sit close to one another & interact at work. I chose to give him his present. I called him in his sleep room after shift & told him o had something but did not want to tell him earlier because he is not quiet OR discrete. He responds loudly "you mean with my LOUD, OBNOXIOUS voice?!" Yes! Well not obnoxious. I brought him his present to his call room. I think he was slightly uncomfortable but happy about it as well. He felt bad asking why I got him a present & later while talking asked me what he was supposed to get me. I know he was a little uncomfortable because it's wrong...I'm slightly crossing the inappropriate line. He offered me the candy & santa coffee mug his pt gave him as a present. I declined. He asked if he should open it then I said no. What if....he doesn't like what I got him? I sort of wanted him to open it since we can't really text anymore. But I was also very nervous & uncomfortable. We talked about the upcoming Christmas Eve service. He hugged me twice....in a "thanks for the gift" kind of way. They were light hugs but nowhere near the awkward hug last year. I will not see him for about 2 weeks. I don't want to ask about if he liked my gift but I wanna know. Plus he is very loud & doesn't realize it I think. He did ask if I was going anywhere I told him houston but back for Christmas & he did ask if it was to see family & I said no. He asked what for & I said to see a friend. His response was "that's a very cryptic answer." I then said he (Franz) actually lives in Katy & he says "Ah!" I know he thinks boyfriend or lover. I didn't bother explaining. He did ask if I was taking the girls though. I love when he's nosy in my life. I still want him. All of him. Ugh. I'm a horrible human being & should not have these feelings. I know he is attracted to me. I also know he cares for me as a person. He's such a good man. I think he really is trying to do his best as well. He's been around the unit less since we've stopped texting. I know it's probably on purpose. I truly hope that if he is not for me that I can find a decent Lutheran man at church.
PS-his work cell/ascom rang at one point so I started to head out & he told me to wait a second...basically so we could continue talking after the phone call. His call room phone rang and he told the person he would call them back in a minute. I enjoy every second with him & I know he does too. We both know it's wrong & yet I believe we both want more than the current inappropriateness of the situation. 😕