(no subject)
i left my grandparents house this afternoon knowing it was the last time i would ever kiss my grandma's cheek or hold her hands. knowing i could continue to tell her i love her until the day i die because she could hear me no matter where her soul is out there in the universe.
the change from yesterday to just today is exponential. yesterday she touched my face and told me how i can do anything; how to clean her favorite necklace because it is mine now. today, she didn't even open her eyes. as much as i want the suffering she's experienced the last few months to stop, i can't help but be selfish.
she is leaving me with 22 years of amazing family memories that i will forever be grateful for. but i want more. i want her to give me lemons from her tree, try and get me to buy gaudy jewelry with her at the swap meet, tell me about a new musical i have to go see, ask me what good movies and books i've seen/read, introduce me to her friends at the country club with a huge smile on her face, ask me how my nails are doing, send me "pizza money" in the mail with a clipped out newspaper article of something that reminds her of me [usually justin timberlake related!], tell me how sweet i am when i tell her i love her....
the fact that her death is pending and could happen at any minute is a torture i've never experienced before. i don't want her to go, but i want her at peace. i want her to be with her parents and brother and grandparents and all her friends that have passed. i want her to be with her God that she loves and trusts so deeply.
the sun was about to set as i was crossing the hoover dam. just as i started to see the vegas lights, it was gone. i felt...calm.
the change from yesterday to just today is exponential. yesterday she touched my face and told me how i can do anything; how to clean her favorite necklace because it is mine now. today, she didn't even open her eyes. as much as i want the suffering she's experienced the last few months to stop, i can't help but be selfish.
she is leaving me with 22 years of amazing family memories that i will forever be grateful for. but i want more. i want her to give me lemons from her tree, try and get me to buy gaudy jewelry with her at the swap meet, tell me about a new musical i have to go see, ask me what good movies and books i've seen/read, introduce me to her friends at the country club with a huge smile on her face, ask me how my nails are doing, send me "pizza money" in the mail with a clipped out newspaper article of something that reminds her of me [usually justin timberlake related!], tell me how sweet i am when i tell her i love her....
the fact that her death is pending and could happen at any minute is a torture i've never experienced before. i don't want her to go, but i want her at peace. i want her to be with her parents and brother and grandparents and all her friends that have passed. i want her to be with her God that she loves and trusts so deeply.
the sun was about to set as i was crossing the hoover dam. just as i started to see the vegas lights, it was gone. i felt...calm.