(no subject)
I can't sleep. I'm not sure, exactly, how much it does or doesn't have to do with the 10mg of Aderall (sp?) that I took earlier, which Alison gave to me. I'm not always tired at this time of night/day, though. I keep trying to fall asleep, but I'm haunted by the idea that today/tomorrow/Sunday may very well be the last day that my dog is alive. I've come to terms with the fact that he needs to be put to sleep, and it no longer entirely bothers me. Cancer is strange, indeed. I love him very much, regardless of how generally unfriendly he is. It somewhat pains me that someone/thing that I've devoted so much love to can respond with such negativity. I think its a lot worse to know you have to say goodbye to someone forever than it would be to have them torn from you. On one hand you get to say goodbye, but on the other hand it hurts a great deal to know that the demise is imminent. I'm not sure if it makes me lucky, this whole getting-the-chance-to-say-goodbye thing.
Strange, it is, how on a general basis I like to consider myself as someone who doesn't need anyone. I wonder if that is my pride talking. Entirely likely. Nobody wants to be lonely, of course, but you can't just settle for what your options limit you to. You just have to know when you've found what you want. Some will tell you that it is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all. Those some, of course, are probably lonely themselves. Winning isn't everything, they also say, after they lose. Some also say that there is someone for everyone. That's such bullshit. Let's get down to brasstacks about it: nothing is absolute. All existence is made up of nothing other than what we call science. This whole "someone for everyone" crap is exactly that. Crap. There's no DESTINY in science. There's no RELIGION in science. Hell, religion was only created as a way of explaining what, at the time, science couldn't. You'd think people would have realized by now that as our scientific knowledge as a species increases, our reliance on religion for our answers deminishes. I'm not starting any sort of arguements with any religious fanatics, as I entirely respect anyone's decision to have faith. It would be evil of me not to. Sociology is not science, people. If things like finding love were definite, I'm sure that by now we'd have a greater understanding of human nature. Or to say, at the very least, it would be a lot simpler. Am I not making any sense, here? I didn't mean to bring you along onto the tangent I've seemed to run off on.
I'm sick and tired of living my life worrying about how other people would feel about what I've got to say, and what I can do. I feel like I'm being held back a great deal by my self-perceived inferiority. Maybe if I could just approach my own goals and not worry about what people think, then I could finally do what I'd like to do in life. Whatever that is, anyways. I'm always finding myself discouraged from trying to achieve goals in life because I'm worried that someone, somewhere, would dissaprove. Parents? Sibling? Friends? I'm obviously being my old, neurotic self. People want to see me succeed. I've seldom if ever met anyone to the contrary. That's my problem, though. I have this disgusting habit of assuming the worst, pertaining directly to how people think about and perceive me. I want to rock out. I want to act. I want to write music. I want to be more accepted than I feel I already am, which is more than I give myself credit for.
I want to speak music.
I want to observe.
I want to love you.
I want to do my own thing.
I want to do your thing, sometimes.
I want to enjoy myself ALL THE TIME, not just a tiny little bit of it.
I want my life to be part of someone else's.
I want someone else's life to be part of mine.
I want my other half.
I want you to love me back.
If I could change a few things about my life so far, one of the things I'd modify is my general lack of close female friends. Sure, I've got some now, yeah. Well, close-ish, at least. I think it had a profoundly negative effect on my personality. I don't always know how to act around females. I don't have enough day-to-day personal-life experience at interacting with them on a relatively more social level than you would have with say... an acquaintance.
I'm not even tired.
I want someone who can complete my sentences. (good fucking luck)
I want someone to sleep next to, sometimes.
I'm not saying love would complete me. I'm saying it'll help me on my way.
For me, love comes first. Predominantly, anyways.
I'm not used to sharing my personal feelings with anyone, so try not to fuck it up, please.
I'm still not tired. That's ok, though.
Strange, it is, how on a general basis I like to consider myself as someone who doesn't need anyone. I wonder if that is my pride talking. Entirely likely. Nobody wants to be lonely, of course, but you can't just settle for what your options limit you to. You just have to know when you've found what you want. Some will tell you that it is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all. Those some, of course, are probably lonely themselves. Winning isn't everything, they also say, after they lose. Some also say that there is someone for everyone. That's such bullshit. Let's get down to brasstacks about it: nothing is absolute. All existence is made up of nothing other than what we call science. This whole "someone for everyone" crap is exactly that. Crap. There's no DESTINY in science. There's no RELIGION in science. Hell, religion was only created as a way of explaining what, at the time, science couldn't. You'd think people would have realized by now that as our scientific knowledge as a species increases, our reliance on religion for our answers deminishes. I'm not starting any sort of arguements with any religious fanatics, as I entirely respect anyone's decision to have faith. It would be evil of me not to. Sociology is not science, people. If things like finding love were definite, I'm sure that by now we'd have a greater understanding of human nature. Or to say, at the very least, it would be a lot simpler. Am I not making any sense, here? I didn't mean to bring you along onto the tangent I've seemed to run off on.
I'm sick and tired of living my life worrying about how other people would feel about what I've got to say, and what I can do. I feel like I'm being held back a great deal by my self-perceived inferiority. Maybe if I could just approach my own goals and not worry about what people think, then I could finally do what I'd like to do in life. Whatever that is, anyways. I'm always finding myself discouraged from trying to achieve goals in life because I'm worried that someone, somewhere, would dissaprove. Parents? Sibling? Friends? I'm obviously being my old, neurotic self. People want to see me succeed. I've seldom if ever met anyone to the contrary. That's my problem, though. I have this disgusting habit of assuming the worst, pertaining directly to how people think about and perceive me. I want to rock out. I want to act. I want to write music. I want to be more accepted than I feel I already am, which is more than I give myself credit for.
I want to speak music.
I want to observe.
I want to love you.
I want to do my own thing.
I want to do your thing, sometimes.
I want to enjoy myself ALL THE TIME, not just a tiny little bit of it.
I want my life to be part of someone else's.
I want someone else's life to be part of mine.
I want my other half.
I want you to love me back.
If I could change a few things about my life so far, one of the things I'd modify is my general lack of close female friends. Sure, I've got some now, yeah. Well, close-ish, at least. I think it had a profoundly negative effect on my personality. I don't always know how to act around females. I don't have enough day-to-day personal-life experience at interacting with them on a relatively more social level than you would have with say... an acquaintance.
I'm not even tired.
I want someone who can complete my sentences. (good fucking luck)
I want someone to sleep next to, sometimes.
I'm not saying love would complete me. I'm saying it'll help me on my way.
For me, love comes first. Predominantly, anyways.
I'm not used to sharing my personal feelings with anyone, so try not to fuck it up, please.
I'm still not tired. That's ok, though.