I don't know how to feel...
All of my dreams of which I was so sure. All of my hopes. Gone. And I cannot pay for the education at Temple--I am not poor enough for their funding, but not NEARLY wealthy enough to pay for a year. I am going to go to a public college. A public school with a bunch of people who do not want to learn as much as I do, a bunch of alcoholics at age 18, and forever, this day, forever my life will not be the same.
I was not admitted to Bryn Mawr College. No. I was rejected with “great regret”. I screamed, collapsed into a heap. I don’t know what I am going to do with my life anymore. I don’t know what will happen to me anymore. Granted I did not receive my rejection from Smith College yet, however they are more well-known then Bryn Mawr and I cannot see myself getting accepted there either.
I had so many dreams. I had my hopes worked up so high that I could feel the grass of Merion green beneath my sun-bathing body. I could smell Haffner dining hall and hear the voices of discussion and community. I could see my professors’ enthusiastic smiles and feel pride swelling with the Dean’s congratulatory speech to the incoming class of 2010.
I feel empty now. I feel empty. Empty. Empty. I will be a number. I will be in Philadelphia, I know, but how can I possibly feel enthusiastic about my new fate when I have been assuming something else for the past 3 months? I feel empty. I feel like I have to bend over and allow my new inevitability to stab me in the ass with it’s sharp reality.
Who will I become now? Who will I be now that I am not going to the school of my dreams? Oh fuck. And 50 dollars wasted on a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. I should have known.
Now I know what it feels like to not get everything that I want. I know what it feel like to have my heart trampled upon by the world.
How am I going to go on? How am I going to survive my day to day life? The only class that matters now is Senior Seminar--as long as I graduate with all D’s, nothing else matters. High school is a drop of cyanide in the bucket of hell.
Oh my God. Oh my God...Who am I going to be? What will my life amount to now? Who am I now that I am not a prospective student at Bryn Mawr College? I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do with myself but to keep doing what I always do--living, breathing, thinking, analyzing, over-analyzing. Oh my God.
I was not admitted to Bryn Mawr College. No. I was rejected with “great regret”. I screamed, collapsed into a heap. I don’t know what I am going to do with my life anymore. I don’t know what will happen to me anymore. Granted I did not receive my rejection from Smith College yet, however they are more well-known then Bryn Mawr and I cannot see myself getting accepted there either.
I had so many dreams. I had my hopes worked up so high that I could feel the grass of Merion green beneath my sun-bathing body. I could smell Haffner dining hall and hear the voices of discussion and community. I could see my professors’ enthusiastic smiles and feel pride swelling with the Dean’s congratulatory speech to the incoming class of 2010.
I feel empty now. I feel empty. Empty. Empty. I will be a number. I will be in Philadelphia, I know, but how can I possibly feel enthusiastic about my new fate when I have been assuming something else for the past 3 months? I feel empty. I feel like I have to bend over and allow my new inevitability to stab me in the ass with it’s sharp reality.
Who will I become now? Who will I be now that I am not going to the school of my dreams? Oh fuck. And 50 dollars wasted on a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. I should have known.
Now I know what it feels like to not get everything that I want. I know what it feel like to have my heart trampled upon by the world.
How am I going to go on? How am I going to survive my day to day life? The only class that matters now is Senior Seminar--as long as I graduate with all D’s, nothing else matters. High school is a drop of cyanide in the bucket of hell.
Oh my God. Oh my God...Who am I going to be? What will my life amount to now? Who am I now that I am not a prospective student at Bryn Mawr College? I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do with myself but to keep doing what I always do--living, breathing, thinking, analyzing, over-analyzing. Oh my God.