"I'm Not Broke But You Can See The Cracks"
Welp. Hmmmmm. These last twelve months...I don't even know what to say. Which is really kinda sad, cause I think I was making that very same statement this very moment last year. And if I had known what was yet (and, who knows, may still be) in store for me, I may have felt differently about the whole thing.
But last year, I probably would have sobbed. And screamed. And railed against...well, whatever you rail against in times like these.
And I don't feel like doing that. Not right now, anyway. I mean, I feel queasy. I feel really, really weird. But there really isn't anger.
And the thing of it is, some really awesome things have happened, too. Like having a couple of amazing awesome life changing adventures and meeting fabulous new awesome people that I hope to know for a very, very long time to come. I don't know that it COMPLETELY makes up for the awfulness, but I can't just dismiss this life I've led for twelve months. I have been blessed with fantastic opportunities and experiences. Just because they don't end up the way I thought they would, or wanted them to, doesn't invalidate them.
And I think I've learned a lot about myself. Hopefully these lessons will carry me into wonderful things to come. Maybe I will learn to appreciate the good that might be in hand right now and not worry about the awfulness to come. Maybe I'll just have learned to go through the awfulness with more grace and dignity than I've shown before. I'll take either, but between you and me, I'm really pulling for some more wonderful.
So. What to do now? Put on my big girl panties. Reevaluate. Learn. Be better. These are the goals, anyway. I have an amazing family, and network of friends. I have this support system most people would envy.
And U2 therapy. Lots and lots of U2. And if someone wants to send me copies of the albums I don't have, I would love you forever and probably write a poem in your honor. Cause like I told a good friend of mine, on Facebook of all places, it's really impossible to be the sheperd while making major life decisions to Hole.
But last year, I probably would have sobbed. And screamed. And railed against...well, whatever you rail against in times like these.
And I don't feel like doing that. Not right now, anyway. I mean, I feel queasy. I feel really, really weird. But there really isn't anger.
And the thing of it is, some really awesome things have happened, too. Like having a couple of amazing awesome life changing adventures and meeting fabulous new awesome people that I hope to know for a very, very long time to come. I don't know that it COMPLETELY makes up for the awfulness, but I can't just dismiss this life I've led for twelve months. I have been blessed with fantastic opportunities and experiences. Just because they don't end up the way I thought they would, or wanted them to, doesn't invalidate them.
And I think I've learned a lot about myself. Hopefully these lessons will carry me into wonderful things to come. Maybe I will learn to appreciate the good that might be in hand right now and not worry about the awfulness to come. Maybe I'll just have learned to go through the awfulness with more grace and dignity than I've shown before. I'll take either, but between you and me, I'm really pulling for some more wonderful.
So. What to do now? Put on my big girl panties. Reevaluate. Learn. Be better. These are the goals, anyway. I have an amazing family, and network of friends. I have this support system most people would envy.
And U2 therapy. Lots and lots of U2. And if someone wants to send me copies of the albums I don't have, I would love you forever and probably write a poem in your honor. Cause like I told a good friend of mine, on Facebook of all places, it's really impossible to be the sheperd while making major life decisions to Hole.