one more bottle is dry, one less reason to try
even though i should definitely be working on my senior exit paper right now, ive decided to procrastinate just a little longer and update. im not sure why i feel like i need to, but its just been so long. even in the last few entries i didnt really say anything. there just been so much going on, i cant seem to collect my thoughts quick enough to get them down. let alone process and reflect on them. and if whatever has happened doesnt seem to pointless to write about, then its too much and i never feel like explaining it all or get people involved or whatever. and i hate those 'today i did this' updates because their just too pointless to waste time on. and no one cares.
people ask me how are you, how are you feeling, how are you coping, how is everything. and if its not certain people asking, most of the time i smile and lie. but the truth is i really dont know, and i dont want people worrying about me because it isn't necessary. but honestly, i dont know. its really a day by day thing. today is 3 months- 5 minutes ago i might have said 'are you kidding me, it seems like its been 3 days' but now i feel like i havent seen him in 3 years. its still just so unbelievable. sometimes ill wake up in the morning and ill forget about it until im brushing my teeth and see the blue band around my wrist, and then im like damn, andrew rukasuwan is gone- that is retarded. no one mentioned it today, and i know im not the only one who thought about it. the hardest part about the 21stes is i can look at the clock and at just about anytime after about 1pm, i can remember exactly where we were or exactly what we were doing, because we were together the entire day. i didnt get upset to day at school, i didnt cry. i did most of last week, but not today. everyone says 'itll get easier' 'time heals' 'blah blah blah' all that crap makes me so mad because its just not true. theyre generic phrases people say to make someone feel better after something has happened. but ive come to find its not true. things dont get easier, the hurt is all the same, but time allows people and other things to come in and cover up the hurt, therefore you dont feel it as much. or your psychiatrist prescribes you medication.
and my relationship with God is pretty close to nonexistent. its really sad actually. ive never been at a point like this with God. im angry, but thats not the reason i stop relying on him directly. ive prayed, but its always about other people, never myself. i just feel like God cant help me. because i dont need comfort, or sympathy or someone to rely on. all i want is an answer. why why why why. but God wont tell me, and no one else knows. all the questions i have are things i cant know until i get up there, but the way im going now, ill never make it.
but my friends are ridiculous. if it werent for them in the past few months, theres a good chance i would have painted my room black, boarded up all the windows, and still be there, under all my covers. they have been my everything pretty much. ive relied on them for so many things lately, and theyve been there every time. of course theres that select few that keep me going day to day, but there so many people that do the littlest things, or the most general things, that i am so thankful for. all you need is a few good friends. thats so true because even with things like wing night, spring break, colorado, etc- if it wasnt with those people, itd be nothing. but the best times are usually the ones we spend sitting around talking about nothing and making fun of each other. those are the things ill miss the most when we all go away to college. ugh, i hate missing people. its so... empty feeling.
okay i have to mention my weekend- asheville with jordan and erica was.. bangin. i love those girls (and the christ school boys) and i really like asheville, its so hippy and laid back. and the scenery is gorgeous. hahha i love how we thought it was smooth sailing all the way home, until we saw 'welcome to south carolina'. and making grilled cheeses with vegan butter and like whole grain bread. love it. summer, anna, krista- yall are all coming next time, def.
alright, now that ive wasted a good hour or so updating, checking my mail, helping my mom look for soy sauce- basically anything thats not doing my paper, i guess ill start now.
love you all, and if you read this whole thing- im amazed youre still awake! :)