(no subject)
yesterday i was ...man, i don't know what i was. aggitated. restless. lost. confused. dazed. torn. nervous. pick one. hell, pick 'em all. pick anything not on the list for that matter. anything that relates. i felt like i was going to fly apart.
it was the first night that i actually got out of work when the sun was still out. and i had plans on spending it being productive. there's so much i couldn't get done in the past month when work got insane that i thought i would work on last night. yea right. laundry, not done. room, not clean. resume, not sent. book not read, bills not paid, friends not called, phone not fixed ...the list goes on for miles. when i realized i couldn't focus (love adhd ANY time of the year) i decided to head to barnes and noble and see if maybe some quiet time would help. it really only made things worse. only thing i could do was listen to music and let the thoughts run wild through head. i went through so many damn emotions last night i thought i was going to break down. i almost did. i tried to focus on some of the thoughts flying by. i need to find a new job. this one that i got may drop down to part-time (if not down to nothing) come monday. so i tried to find some jobs to apply for. i couldn't think straight long enough to even let the page load before i was on to the next thought.
that's when i decided to post to livejournal. my god. you should have read all the nonsense that was poured into that post. i don't even know where half that stuff came from.
the craziest part of the whole thing was the part where i missed my father. i wanted to see him so bad but it was too late at night to call or drop by. my father and i have a history, to say the least, but i know how much he loves me. and he's always been this pillar of strentgh in my eyes (even at his weakest moments) and i think that last night i just needed him to steady me. and at that thought, hell probably froze over. my dad and i have a rocky relationship at best. we fight more then we do anything else. but lately, i've been seeing less and less of him. he's always away on some business trip or another and he's gone to China this time and i don't know for how long. i never thought in a million years that when the weather forcasted hurricanes, i would be looking for my dad for shelter. and that's exactly what it was. i needed shelter. safety. someone to tell me i'd be alright. that i have a good head on my shoulders and i just need to learn how to use it effectively.
the rest of the post i don't remember. so much of it was random thoughts that i thought i'd be able to look back at try and make sense of later on. so much for that. stupid lj.
well, now i'm at work. second one of the day. and instead of doing work, i'm sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. in doing so, i'm effectively placing myself in the same place tonight. only thing keeping me from flying apart tonight is that i actually have work that needs to get done (as in work, work) before i go home tonight. so my brain is pretty much focused on taking care of that in a few minutes. otherwise i'd be going crazy right now.
you know what i feel like? and it's gonna sound cheesy, but whatever. i feel like on the surface i look fine. put together. and on the inside there's a storm thrashing around. lightening and all. i have that feeling i have when a summer storm is brewing. when it's hot and humid and you can feel electricity in the air. only it's a really strange feeling because I love summer storms. and i hate this feeling. the combination ... it's just strange.
it was the first night that i actually got out of work when the sun was still out. and i had plans on spending it being productive. there's so much i couldn't get done in the past month when work got insane that i thought i would work on last night. yea right. laundry, not done. room, not clean. resume, not sent. book not read, bills not paid, friends not called, phone not fixed ...the list goes on for miles. when i realized i couldn't focus (love adhd ANY time of the year) i decided to head to barnes and noble and see if maybe some quiet time would help. it really only made things worse. only thing i could do was listen to music and let the thoughts run wild through head. i went through so many damn emotions last night i thought i was going to break down. i almost did. i tried to focus on some of the thoughts flying by. i need to find a new job. this one that i got may drop down to part-time (if not down to nothing) come monday. so i tried to find some jobs to apply for. i couldn't think straight long enough to even let the page load before i was on to the next thought.
that's when i decided to post to livejournal. my god. you should have read all the nonsense that was poured into that post. i don't even know where half that stuff came from.
the craziest part of the whole thing was the part where i missed my father. i wanted to see him so bad but it was too late at night to call or drop by. my father and i have a history, to say the least, but i know how much he loves me. and he's always been this pillar of strentgh in my eyes (even at his weakest moments) and i think that last night i just needed him to steady me. and at that thought, hell probably froze over. my dad and i have a rocky relationship at best. we fight more then we do anything else. but lately, i've been seeing less and less of him. he's always away on some business trip or another and he's gone to China this time and i don't know for how long. i never thought in a million years that when the weather forcasted hurricanes, i would be looking for my dad for shelter. and that's exactly what it was. i needed shelter. safety. someone to tell me i'd be alright. that i have a good head on my shoulders and i just need to learn how to use it effectively.
the rest of the post i don't remember. so much of it was random thoughts that i thought i'd be able to look back at try and make sense of later on. so much for that. stupid lj.
well, now i'm at work. second one of the day. and instead of doing work, i'm sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened last night. in doing so, i'm effectively placing myself in the same place tonight. only thing keeping me from flying apart tonight is that i actually have work that needs to get done (as in work, work) before i go home tonight. so my brain is pretty much focused on taking care of that in a few minutes. otherwise i'd be going crazy right now.
you know what i feel like? and it's gonna sound cheesy, but whatever. i feel like on the surface i look fine. put together. and on the inside there's a storm thrashing around. lightening and all. i have that feeling i have when a summer storm is brewing. when it's hot and humid and you can feel electricity in the air. only it's a really strange feeling because I love summer storms. and i hate this feeling. the combination ... it's just strange.