i had a dream.
Her friends and I were hanging out in my shower. The one with the yellow bathtub and the glass doors. There were like five of us in there. It was mostly the homegirls. And everyone was coming and going and I was sitting in the tub with Amm and Anthony and maybe Dylan to the right of me and I think Jess to my left. And among everyone coming in and going out of the bathroom, Elle came in.
What struck me was how. Tiny she was. How thin. How young. How smooth her hair was. How pale. How pretty. For some reason I expected everyone to be like oh my God, Elle, as if they knew she was dead. But they didn't. They just treated her like. I guess normal. They were just like oh hi Elle and she just smiled a little bit, but in that Elle way. It was more of a smirk, but not necessarily negative at all. Still. To call it a smile seems inaccurate.
She was wearing jeans. And a black shirt. And this blue longsleeved shirt under that. It was a nice blue. Like the blue of my phone. Cell phone. And her hair was different from normal. It was half up. When I first saw her I thought it was kind of weird, but I lost sight of her somehow for a moment and then it was like that. She probably never did her hair like that in her life.
Most everyone was ignoring her. It was like I was the only one who knew she was dead, or that she would die, if this was supposed to be taking place before the fact. But I was living in Las Vegas at the time. I wish I hadn't been. Even if that was the best year of my high school life.
I wish I had been there. I wish I had been there for her. I wanted to throw myself in front of the metro at 15/16, same age as her. I understand. And if I couldn't convince her not to. I could have at least gone with her.
I can't go see her until Friday. I usually go every Friday, sometimes on Saturday too if I can. But I'm at school this weekend. Still. I want to thank her so much for visiting.