"Are you sure you're alright?" ..."Yeah, I'm always alright."
So I have a field trip to go to in approximately nine hours and although it's slightly out of character for me to care about physical appearance...i have no idea what i'm gonna wear and that's majorly PISSING me OFF!!! Also Bones wasn't on tonight so I was forced to watch the Pussycat dolls show...I'm so glad they finally got rid of that tranny Anastasia...she's so scary. I also really liked the song selection they had so Big Spender has been stuck in my head for the last to hours...
So today Des and I went to Starbucks to get some Passion Fruit Teas and we were in the car talking about how every day feels the same as the day before it...I know that it sounds ridiculous but maybe other people can relate. Lately every conversation i have with someone feels exactly the same as what we always talk about. Every relationship feels stuck in the obligatory "what are you doing after graduation?" or "i got so trashed this weekend" style. I can't honestly think of an interesting or new conversation that I've had with my friends. Talking to my friends has become a chore. It's almost like we're graduating so we have nothing left to say to each other. They're not the kind of friends who stop to ask how your day went or what you've been up to. We mostly talk pop culture or make jokes but we never talk about anything meaningful. I realized it's because no one wants to cause drama, but at this point I'm pretty much dying for real human interaction. There are things in my life that I hide from people. There are things in my life I'd rather not talk about. There's things about me that other people would ridicule. Everyone feels like that, I think. The problem is we all need some one to talk to that doesn't mind our weird quirks. It kills me that my friends can't do that. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells, because I'm scared that they'll exploit whatever flaw i have anad act like I'm a leper.
I'll give an example that will sound vague to most. There's this reltionship i have that is slightly beyond normal standards. It's the kind of thing that if I told a lot of people, almost everyone wouldn't get it. It's definatley not a conversation starter. I try to keep it hush because I'm afraid it might get turned into a joke. The thing is there are few people that noticed it. There are a few people who get it. There are a few people who knew something was up and didn't have to be told, but my friends never noticed. The people closest to me never even thought about it and they'd never get it. It pretty much kills me that there are certain parts of my life I can't share. It kills me that I go home everyday feeling like no one gets me because I don't tell them how I really feel.
I cannot wait until I go to college because at least then i can start over. i don't think I did it right it high school. I had fun. I learned a lot, but I still feel unhappy. I did everything I wanted to, but I never said what I wanted to say or talked to who I wanted to talk and now I find myself looking back on high school and thinking I wasted my time.
Don't get me wrong...i love my friends (and those of you who this doesn't apply to know who you are). Most of them will never read this and i feel absurd even posting it, but I just need more. I don't know what i need, but I know that for the first time in my life nothing is going wrong. No parents breaking up. No bad boyfriends. No death. No tragedy. Even though nothing bad is happening, this is the worst I've felt in years and for the first time I don't know why. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I need some one who'll always be on my side. Maybe I need some one who doesn't think I'm a freak.
Emo, i know. I can't help it. That's what listened to "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright on repeat will do to a person...
So today Des and I went to Starbucks to get some Passion Fruit Teas and we were in the car talking about how every day feels the same as the day before it...I know that it sounds ridiculous but maybe other people can relate. Lately every conversation i have with someone feels exactly the same as what we always talk about. Every relationship feels stuck in the obligatory "what are you doing after graduation?" or "i got so trashed this weekend" style. I can't honestly think of an interesting or new conversation that I've had with my friends. Talking to my friends has become a chore. It's almost like we're graduating so we have nothing left to say to each other. They're not the kind of friends who stop to ask how your day went or what you've been up to. We mostly talk pop culture or make jokes but we never talk about anything meaningful. I realized it's because no one wants to cause drama, but at this point I'm pretty much dying for real human interaction. There are things in my life that I hide from people. There are things in my life I'd rather not talk about. There's things about me that other people would ridicule. Everyone feels like that, I think. The problem is we all need some one to talk to that doesn't mind our weird quirks. It kills me that my friends can't do that. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells, because I'm scared that they'll exploit whatever flaw i have anad act like I'm a leper.
I'll give an example that will sound vague to most. There's this reltionship i have that is slightly beyond normal standards. It's the kind of thing that if I told a lot of people, almost everyone wouldn't get it. It's definatley not a conversation starter. I try to keep it hush because I'm afraid it might get turned into a joke. The thing is there are few people that noticed it. There are a few people who get it. There are a few people who knew something was up and didn't have to be told, but my friends never noticed. The people closest to me never even thought about it and they'd never get it. It pretty much kills me that there are certain parts of my life I can't share. It kills me that I go home everyday feeling like no one gets me because I don't tell them how I really feel.
I cannot wait until I go to college because at least then i can start over. i don't think I did it right it high school. I had fun. I learned a lot, but I still feel unhappy. I did everything I wanted to, but I never said what I wanted to say or talked to who I wanted to talk and now I find myself looking back on high school and thinking I wasted my time.
Don't get me wrong...i love my friends (and those of you who this doesn't apply to know who you are). Most of them will never read this and i feel absurd even posting it, but I just need more. I don't know what i need, but I know that for the first time in my life nothing is going wrong. No parents breaking up. No bad boyfriends. No death. No tragedy. Even though nothing bad is happening, this is the worst I've felt in years and for the first time I don't know why. Maybe I need a boyfriend. Maybe I need some one who'll always be on my side. Maybe I need some one who doesn't think I'm a freak.
Emo, i know. I can't help it. That's what listened to "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright on repeat will do to a person...