Need to vent - ARRRRRRRRRRRGH
I am so angry with my husband right now. We just had a phone conversation that ended in him yelling at me and hanging up on me. It pisses me off so badly because I was making a real effort to listen to him and hear his thoughts and feelings and sharing mine back in a non-critical, caring way, and he couldnt do the same back to me. No, I DARED disagree with him, and instead of respecting that and hearing me out, he hangs up on me.
This is really SO classic Jim tho. he always thinks he can tell me what to do and i'll just take it. see, he wants me to go to this housebuying class on saturday thats from 8 am to 5. and i dont want to do it. he can go if he wants, thats fine with me, i just dont want to. lately he's just been PUSHING for me to take an interest in business and finances and real estate and the stock market and things like that, which are things that he is PASSIONATE about, but just don't float my boat. I realize you need money to live, but I dont spend every minute of my day obsessing about how to make more money and getting rich, and he does. Fine, that's something that important to him. I dont argue with that or try to change that about him, I just don't share his interest. but he has been trying to SHOVE this down my throat. He is pushing me and making me feel BAD for not wanting to go to this class. he is telling me that i dont want to learn and grow, that i never do anything to BETTER myself, that i am stagnating, that this means i dont care about our family and taking care of them. he is doing what he always does which is pushing what HE wants and HE thinks I should do on me. he NEVER takes no for an answer in these matters and ALWAYS makes me justify myself to him, and then still pushes me into doing it. and I usually give in because he's just so bullheaded. it isnt just this one thing either, he does this about just about EVERYTHING. He tells me he wants me to be more assertive and share my ideas and opinions with him, and take more control of our lives, but when I try to do that, if it doesnt mesh with how he thinks and what he wants, he shuts me right down. ive only recently become aware of just how big a problem this is. ive known for a long time that he always argued with me and tried to pressure me into seeing things his way and doing what he wants. but it really just dawned on me last week that when it comes to how i think and feel and the way we run our life, he really just doesnt hear me. he doesnt respect what i want unless it agrees with what he wants. I talked to my therapist about this last week, and it really crystallized alot of my thoughts and feelings about this. She says its controlling and borderline abusive, and I can't help but wonder if she's right. I have big time issues from my childhood, living with an abusive and controlling stepdad, seeing him hurt my mom, beat the crap out of me, and never take no for an answer but just push what he wanted on me - sexual abuse. When Jim acts this way it just triggers those old issues and feelings from my past, and takes me to a really bad place.
sometimes i wonder its if it has something to do with the fact that when our relationship started we had a D/s relationship, and he was the Top. we always agreed that would be only in the bedroom and not a lifestyle choice, and we actually haven't even played like that in a very long time - years really. but i think that way back then he got it in his head that he's the Top. it's because he has this need to always be in control of his life and mine... he is SO rigid about how he lives his life, he has every moment of the day scheduled, he needs to ALWAYS be focused and doing something productive - he never does anything JUST for fun, there's always another purpose behind it. He makes lists of everything, and is so inflexible about it, and I'm expected to accommodate him and work around that. I am alot more laid back about things, but I always try to work with him, and give him quiet time when he wants to be working on things, and make myself available when he decides he's available to spend time together. It's always based around HIM and what he needs. I feel like he expects me to be a good little bottom and listen to him, and when I try to express what I need for a change, it goes in one ear and out the other. For awhile now he has been getting on my case to be more organized with my time, to schedule my day, and that just would not work for me. I don't pressure him to change the way he does things, why does he feel he needs to do that to me? Its gotten to the point where he's asked me to write down what I do in a day, and give it to him, tp prove to him that i am "managing my time wisely". I feel like he's trying to micromanage me, but he doesnt see whats wrong with that. He doesnt see how controlling he's really being.
We've been having sexual issues for awhile now. For over a year I was on medication for depression that totally killed my sex drive - I had no libido and was completely unable to have an orgasm no matter what I did. I was almost awlays open to him and taking care of his needs, but I had no real needs of my own, and so I never really initiated things, just waited for when he was ready. Lately, I've changed my meds, and my sex drive is back with a vengeance. I actually have NEEDS again, and I've been alot more aggressive in the bedroom. And what do you know, we're having less sex than ever. It has died down to once in a blue moon when it used to be every day. It's funny, when I inititate the answer is almost always no, he ALWAYS has a reason why he's not in the mood. when we do it is totally based on his moods and when he wants it. though he denies it up and down, he apparently finds it a turn off when i assert myself or when im in charge. He can argue about it all he wants, but its just too big a coincidence that all of a sudden, when I'm being aggressive and coming on to him all the time, he's suddenly mr low libido. thank goddess he doesnt really pressure me when he's in the mood, but whenever I start things he says that I'm pressuring him - he's even accused me of trying to force him. HAHAHAHA that has to be the funniest thing ever. Meek mild little me, forcing a big strong guy like him. Yeah right.
I am so frustrated with this. And its not the only problem we have. I'm afraid to even talk about what happened yesterday *sigh* maybe later I'll have the guts to talk about it.
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