Procrastination and perfection...

[earthy_goddess]

I am really stressed out about my school work. I know it will be fine but I just have myself in an anxious/nervous condition. Why must I continue to procrastinate? Because I am a perfectionist. I want to be perfect and I have a fear that it is not. So the logical answer is to continue to procrastinate, right? Ugh... I need to just start working, start writing. I need a good cry. I need to have some breathing room to figure out what the hell I am doing. My exams are not due until the end of January so I will have plenty of time in January to do them if I am not too busy with work, etc. The problem is I just found out that we will also get graded on out work before turning in the papers. This is a change from how the papers were graded last year in the program. Spain just has a different system. I am too caught up in the grades part of it. I did terrible last year because I wasn't used to the Danish system. I am so used to being a good grades student. I have to forget that and just produce my best. I just don't like traditional papers. I think they are boring and I feel that I can't contribute anything further. I am such a failure in academia.

I keep finding excuses for not starting. I need to be kinder, gentler with myself. I need to stop putting the weight of the world into these papers. I have to remember that 20 years from now this will not matter. (I used that technique in college years ago.)  And yet, although I know this, I am still wanting to be perfect. Give it up.

It doesn't help matters my period is on the verge of arriving. Of course I want it to be here and gone because Daniel is coming Friday.

I meet with my adviser for my papers today and I don't haven't anything new to talk about if I don't get some work done now!