Ch-changes
Well, yesterday I got my first new glasses in about a decade (or more!). Man, it sure feels weird being able to see again. I went to the dentist on the same day, with a similar amount of time since my last good poking and scraping. The dentist seemed pleased with the state of my teeth; I had zero decay! I was pretty nervous about going in, but it seemed to be for nothing. Oh, and he didn't make me shave my moustache. I'm glad of that. Though I don't shave, I would if it was productive to do so.
He asked me what I was doing and I had to reply with the usual, 'Nothing.' About the time I stopped going into the dentist and eye doctor I sort of shut off from the world. I'm not sure what happened, looking back. Though I had done some radical experimentation using myself, I had aspirations. But at some point I became lost and never found my way out. I may be getting back on track with this.
I do have one concern that haunts me, though. I have seen so many friends who get jobs and that becomes their entire existence. Their jobs define them and they are defined by their jobs. Every moment of their lives is spent either at work or recovering from work. They are stressed and need an escape from reality. Before they know it, their lives have passed them by and they've been too busy to notice. I don't want that to be me. I am scared to go to the next step, but I don't think it is baseless fear.
Though I don't have anything I can point at and say, "I did that!" I don't feel I've entirely wasted my life. I've thought and I've read and I've learned and I've philosophized and I've created. But all those things aren't ends unto themselves. I have spent most of my life trying to find an alternative to living the way described in the above paragraph, and I've come to nothing. Most people would probably tell me that life is supposed to be miserable and to just get a crappy soul-sucking job like everyone else has.
When you lose your keys, you can often discover them by retracing your steps. I find it is good to periodically retrace your life and see how you got where you were. Reality is more interesting to me than fiction. Listening to someone talk about their lives, no matter how unremarkable, is more interesting to me than most movies. Hrm, I lost my point...
An alternate point (not my original one): I have a sort of diary I keep. Though I started it in 1994, it only has 13 entries. I only update it when I have something that's worth saying. I have wondered why I keep this LJ lately, but I have a very good reason. In fact I have at least two. In my faux-diary, one entry is dedicated to the online funeral for Shannon. This took place about a year after I started. Most of the best people I met via MUSHing I met in that year. M3 was in the building stages, Sarah and Julie were recurring guests, and we had two Shauns. I remarked on how easy it was to lose track of someone you only knew via the internet. Though I sometimes (cynically!) think of my MUSH friends as semi-imaginary, I really do care about the good ones. This LJ's primary purpose is to know what's happening in the lives of DreadTread and Monzo and Meryxn and Sapphirebreeze and the other people I only communicate with via this LJ. The thought of one of them simply vanishing from my life without my ever knowing what became of them is a devestating one. Let there be communication!
The other reason I have this LJ is for my own mental benefit. I practice speaking of things I normally don't think of. You people, no matter how little I know you, have heard MANY things my closest RL friends have never heard. Normally such things would be better suited to a private paper diary, such as the one I mentioned above, but I think being open is good for me. I say things that make me fear you'll think less of me -- frequently!-- but I feel I must persist. Also, it's good to exercise my essay-writing muscles, especially since I write them spontaneously and within size limitations. Not that you'd know it, from the amount of spammy posts I do... Speaking of which, I've rambled tiredly long enough.
I appreciate the replies I've gotten from many of you lately. Lunatron is working her way toward a Scorchie, I think. ;) I always appreciate feedback. Indeed I enjoy disparate views and even people telling me I'm wrong, so long as they do it in a civil manner! ;) Laterhozen!
He asked me what I was doing and I had to reply with the usual, 'Nothing.' About the time I stopped going into the dentist and eye doctor I sort of shut off from the world. I'm not sure what happened, looking back. Though I had done some radical experimentation using myself, I had aspirations. But at some point I became lost and never found my way out. I may be getting back on track with this.
I do have one concern that haunts me, though. I have seen so many friends who get jobs and that becomes their entire existence. Their jobs define them and they are defined by their jobs. Every moment of their lives is spent either at work or recovering from work. They are stressed and need an escape from reality. Before they know it, their lives have passed them by and they've been too busy to notice. I don't want that to be me. I am scared to go to the next step, but I don't think it is baseless fear.
Though I don't have anything I can point at and say, "I did that!" I don't feel I've entirely wasted my life. I've thought and I've read and I've learned and I've philosophized and I've created. But all those things aren't ends unto themselves. I have spent most of my life trying to find an alternative to living the way described in the above paragraph, and I've come to nothing. Most people would probably tell me that life is supposed to be miserable and to just get a crappy soul-sucking job like everyone else has.
When you lose your keys, you can often discover them by retracing your steps. I find it is good to periodically retrace your life and see how you got where you were. Reality is more interesting to me than fiction. Listening to someone talk about their lives, no matter how unremarkable, is more interesting to me than most movies. Hrm, I lost my point...
An alternate point (not my original one): I have a sort of diary I keep. Though I started it in 1994, it only has 13 entries. I only update it when I have something that's worth saying. I have wondered why I keep this LJ lately, but I have a very good reason. In fact I have at least two. In my faux-diary, one entry is dedicated to the online funeral for Shannon. This took place about a year after I started. Most of the best people I met via MUSHing I met in that year. M3 was in the building stages, Sarah and Julie were recurring guests, and we had two Shauns. I remarked on how easy it was to lose track of someone you only knew via the internet. Though I sometimes (cynically!) think of my MUSH friends as semi-imaginary, I really do care about the good ones. This LJ's primary purpose is to know what's happening in the lives of DreadTread and Monzo and Meryxn and Sapphirebreeze and the other people I only communicate with via this LJ. The thought of one of them simply vanishing from my life without my ever knowing what became of them is a devestating one. Let there be communication!
The other reason I have this LJ is for my own mental benefit. I practice speaking of things I normally don't think of. You people, no matter how little I know you, have heard MANY things my closest RL friends have never heard. Normally such things would be better suited to a private paper diary, such as the one I mentioned above, but I think being open is good for me. I say things that make me fear you'll think less of me -- frequently!-- but I feel I must persist. Also, it's good to exercise my essay-writing muscles, especially since I write them spontaneously and within size limitations. Not that you'd know it, from the amount of spammy posts I do... Speaking of which, I've rambled tiredly long enough.
I appreciate the replies I've gotten from many of you lately. Lunatron is working her way toward a Scorchie, I think. ;) I always appreciate feedback. Indeed I enjoy disparate views and even people telling me I'm wrong, so long as they do it in a civil manner! ;) Laterhozen!