A (thankfully) unbalanced equation.
An acute, somewhat-unexplainable feeling of anxiousness settled in somewhere behind my bellybutton last weekend and decided to stay for the duration. It did not want to fade for almost all of the four-and-a-half school days that followed. Could be weather related (this entire funk was spent on rainy days), but while I'm sure that didn't help, I know it's not the cause.
This, however, is more strongly correlated. Or rather, an unfortunate result: I had a painfully awful week.
I was a ball of nerves Monday, because my supervisor was due to make her first visit to observe me teach. It didn't help my anxiousness disappear when she didn't show, or when she called later to apologize profusely because she straight-up forgot. Honestly, it's cool -- she's super chill, we are all human, shit happens, we rescheduled for Wednesday. Done. Nothing of note happened the rest of the day, nor during school hours on Tuesday, but neither could I shake off whatever was pulling me down.
Wednesday rolls around and, long story short, I feel that I absolutely blew my first observation. (I can only hope to one day forget accidentally overhearing my mentor tell my supervisor that he thinks I get nervous with people watching me, for it to stop repeating over and over in my head.) Is this a setback school-wise? No. My supervisor is abundantly supportive, she is not there to see me fail. Was this a setback emotionally? For my morale? Self-confidence? For thinking I know what the hell I'm doing?
I think we all know the answer here. The rest of Wednesday, all of Thursday, the beginning of Friday were all the same: Can I even do this?
I got my answer on Friday, during first period, sitting in the hallway with a student who had missed the last three classes. In the middle of: connecting the rhetorical devices from three classes ago, explaining the RFK speech and persuasive appeals from two classes ago, breaking down the summative writing prompt handed out only one class ago, she interrupted me.
"You should be a real teacher." She has no idea what she did for me. (I do.)
This, however, is more strongly correlated. Or rather, an unfortunate result: I had a painfully awful week.
I was a ball of nerves Monday, because my supervisor was due to make her first visit to observe me teach. It didn't help my anxiousness disappear when she didn't show, or when she called later to apologize profusely because she straight-up forgot. Honestly, it's cool -- she's super chill, we are all human, shit happens, we rescheduled for Wednesday. Done. Nothing of note happened the rest of the day, nor during school hours on Tuesday, but neither could I shake off whatever was pulling me down.
Wednesday rolls around and, long story short, I feel that I absolutely blew my first observation. (I can only hope to one day forget accidentally overhearing my mentor tell my supervisor that he thinks I get nervous with people watching me, for it to stop repeating over and over in my head.) Is this a setback school-wise? No. My supervisor is abundantly supportive, she is not there to see me fail. Was this a setback emotionally? For my morale? Self-confidence? For thinking I know what the hell I'm doing?
I think we all know the answer here. The rest of Wednesday, all of Thursday, the beginning of Friday were all the same: Can I even do this?
I got my answer on Friday, during first period, sitting in the hallway with a student who had missed the last three classes. In the middle of: connecting the rhetorical devices from three classes ago, explaining the RFK speech and persuasive appeals from two classes ago, breaking down the summative writing prompt handed out only one class ago, she interrupted me.
"You should be a real teacher." She has no idea what she did for me. (I do.)