(no subject)
So Matt says he loves me. But he says it all the time, where it no longer mean anything. And I mean ALL the time. I tickle him - ‘I love you.’ I make him dinner - ‘I love you.’ I get into the car - ‘I love you.’ I sit here typing or reading - ‘I love you.’ It’s really annoying, because I won’t say it back except for when it’s special - so he keeps doing it ... I don’t know what he expects. He says he loves me, and yet he can’t keep it up. Yes, you herd that right. As soon as it takes some effort on his part, he goes limp. Now, it’s alright if *I* perform on him - that’s all well and good. But as soon as it’s time for him to give back - it doesn’t happen. I’m left bored - and he falls asleep. You know - it really doesn’t make me feel that good about myself - when I’m treated like some sort of sex slave that gives him what he wants, when he wants - and yet I ‘m not good enough for him to perform anything on me. I feel so ugly. I feel like ... whenever he thinks about having to do something in return, it disgusts him, and therefore he goes limp. I feel like trash - used over and over again. I’m annoyed. I’m unsatisfied. And saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t make anything better! It’s just a word, that still doesn’t mean anything to me - especially now - when it’s just thrown around as an excuse!
He is a man-child. I fell like his mother. And while someday I might want to be a mother, I don’t want to be HIS mother. I clean up after him. I feed him. I serve him. I tell him what is right and what is wrong. I am by far the more practical of the two ... and it pisses me off. I want someone I can play with, have fun with - trust - who won’t make me feel like a used piece of meat. I feel like crap. I’m sad. I feel ugly, in every sense. I feel unwanted. Which is dangerous, because when I find someone who DOES want me - I’ll end up being very submissive - I hate to be submissive.
He is a man-child. I fell like his mother. And while someday I might want to be a mother, I don’t want to be HIS mother. I clean up after him. I feed him. I serve him. I tell him what is right and what is wrong. I am by far the more practical of the two ... and it pisses me off. I want someone I can play with, have fun with - trust - who won’t make me feel like a used piece of meat. I feel like crap. I’m sad. I feel ugly, in every sense. I feel unwanted. Which is dangerous, because when I find someone who DOES want me - I’ll end up being very submissive - I hate to be submissive.