(no subject)
i always laughed at the song from annie. you know the one that goes "it's a hard knock life?" it always made me laugh because i always felt that somehow life was never as hard as they made out. i mean sure life sucked sometimes but never enough to make much difference to anyone, especially not me. but these last few weeks have been a bloody roller coaster ride, the ones that make you nauseous. its been hard on me, really hard. it started with the show being so close. it was stressing me to a point that i had never felt before. i guess that's what i get for being the stage manager. i was just so alone, i mean i had ellie of course but she had her own problems, her own worries and i felt almost guilty trying to use her to help me. and then the incident with the school happened. i won't go into all of it becuase i really don't feel like it and it serves no purpose. what does is the fact that yet again my life had been turned upside down and i continued to feel like i had no one to lean on. my worries never left me. i started feeling like my life was never going to be the same. i felt like something had to burst, some pressure had to be released. i had a moment of it a week or so before the break began. we sat in the hall and i cried onto her shoulder, i emptied myself onto her and i found myself feeling better. i thought maybe i could survive now. i still had worries, still had stress but at least i could handle it. and then my mom came to see the show. she had been trying her damndest to make it. it seemed that she was insistent on coming no matter what it took and i kept wondering why. she had never tried so hard before. i had a feeling that something was up. after the show i found out that dad had started drinking again. everything in me died. i was so angry so frusterated. i felt betrayed by the world. for the second time in my life i had been stabbed in the back by trusting someone. last week was hard for me. it was spring break and i was left alone to contemplate all of the things that had happened to me. i got so scared that i nearly cried on more than one occasion. the person i needed most to be there for me was gone and i was alone. i hated myself for being so weak and i hated the world for putting me in such a position that i was so weak. now i am not quite sure how to feel. part of me is happy being with ellie again. so much so that i am wiling to forget the pain that i had been suffering through this past month and part of me is adamant that this remain in my mind. this isn't some simple thing that i can forget. i need to talk to someone. i hope that counseling will help. maybe. maybe i just need to get back to feeling normal again. maybe i just need to be free of all of the strictures of my life for a few days just to get back on my feet. maybe... well time to go.
life long prosper and may the force be with you.
life long prosper and may the force be with you.