The Power of Love Chapter 20
Title: The Power of Love Chapter 20 - Time To Say Goodbye
Genre: AU/sad for this part
Rating: PG for this part
Summary of this chapter: The fateful parting
Warnings: None just a lil' sad
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or some of the plots - they are the creation of Annie Proulx.
Feedback: Always appreciated! :)
Author's Note: I'm sorry it took kind of a long time but I can tell you exactly why! :) The American soap opera, As The World Turns. I just got too hooked on it!
Jack tried to remain nonchalant as he sat back up in his truck, his foot pressed down on the pedal as he half heartedly attempted to start it. It had been sat rusting up here for all the time he had been up on Brokeback and now, after not having been used, it was once again rebelling against him, refusing to do as he said. Sometimes what he said he didn’t mean though. His voice spoke for the car to start but deep inside, he wished over and over that it wouldn’t. In reality, he knew that whether it did or didn’t wouldn’t have made any difference yet he was hanging on to anything at that moment, clutching at straws. Maybe if he hoped hard enough that the truck refusing to work would mean more time with Ennis it would happen.
Imagination and fantasies were all he had left now. And even they were failing on him, just like his old, beaten up car. Fading to dust in the surreal sun suspended lazily in the otherwise grey sky and mingling with the dirt on the ground. It was no use trying to pretend yet he couldn’t help it. The only thing keeping him from breaking.
He attempted desperately not to think about what was happening, instead just focused on ramming his foot onto the pedal, causing the truck to cough and splutter. Ennis had the bonnet open, leant inside, so he couldn’t see his face yet this was probably a good thing. He’d barely been able to glance at him on the journey up here. He hated to admit what he was really feeling but he knew it was true.
This was it. Time to say goodbye. No more summer days with Ennis. He’d probably never see him again. What reason would he have for it? What had happened on Brokeback was most possibly a one shot thing, just as his companion had kept saying. But it couldn’t have been, his mind kept shouting, not with the....
Jack quickly shook his head, realising he was getting too lost in his thoughts again, and pushed his foot down harder, seeming to become more violent with his shoving as his heart beat faster. It was the only way he could vent his feelings again, couldn’t stand for Ennis to see him like this - what he really was experiencing deep down inside - and it was the only thing keeping him from going crazy.
He could barely hear the truck revving anymore though. His head was spinning, stomach lurching and the whole world seemed to be caving in around him. This couldn’t be happening, he kept telling himself. Any minute now he’d just wake up but each time he tried to pinch himself, urgently wanting - needing - to wake himself from this insane dream, nothing happened. There was still the dark sky, the almost too bright sun and...Ennis. Still here. Though not for long.
Jack moaned, tried to cover it up with frustration about his truck, and heard the cowboy shout something at him - something about the car. He hardly registered it, didn’t even know what he was doing for a few moments, but then, the revving got louder and the vehicle started. Ennis slammed the bonnet shut and for a couple of seconds - though they felt more like hours to him, Jack just sat there, his breathing heavy. The car had started and he didn’t think he had ever felt more disappointed with it. Though it wasn’t as if anything different would have altered anything.
At the harsh reality, he gulped down a frightening lump in his throat and saw Ennis lean against the side of the truck, still looking down and rifling through his small canvas bag. Jack couldn’t read any of his emotions that day - not that he would have displayed anything anyhow. Everything just seemed so numb. Probably because that was how he felt at that moment. Trapped between different feelings and reeling from all the situations occurring around him. Things were going too fast. Always had.
‘’ Cain’t believe ah left mah damn shirt up there...’’ Ennis said suddenly and Jack forced himself to get out of the truck, finally bringing up the strength to glance up. His heart moaned and ached but he tried to ignore it. Following it always made him end up in things that finished badly.
Like this.
Gently, he sighed, doing his utmost best to hide everything inside, and shrugged. Ennis remained looking down, his hands still fumbling through the bag as if they needed something to do. Jack leant against the truck, glad for the support. His legs were beginning to feel very unstable. To distract himself, he tried the only question that might have given him some hope. Deep down, he knew he was scared to ask it, terrified that he might get an answer that he didn’t want but he had to. Hope was the one thing he needed at that moment.
‘’ You gonna do this again next summer?’’ His voice sounded surprisingly feeble.
Ennis didn’t take any time to respond. He finally looked up, his features creased against the harsh sunlight, and his and Jack’s eyes met at last. Jack tried to glance away but he couldn’t. These were his last few moments with Ennis. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted them to last forever.
‘’ Well, maybe not...’’ Ennis replied, his words as inexpressive as ever. ‘’ Like ah said, me an’ Alma’s gettin’ married in November...So, er...’’ He looked down again, suddenly portraying nothing but everything at the same time. Jack desperately attempted to tear his eyes away. ‘’ Ah’ll try an’ get somethin’ on a ranch, ah guess....About you?’’
Jack finally managed to glance down. He urgently tried to slow his breathing, calm his heart, stop his stomach twisting. Cold shivers ran all over his body as he forced himself to reply, no matter how much he didn’t believe in the words he was speaking. ‘’ Ah might go up ta mah Daddy’s place, give him a hand...’’ He shrugged and wanted so much to change time. Stop the snow from falling, allow them just until the end of summer... He never wanted to move from this spot. Brokeback Mountain. Wanted to stay here forever. ‘’ Ah might be back,’’ he tried. ‘’...if the army don’t get me.’’
He hadn’t really been thinking about that. With everything else going on, it had barely crossed his mind. Just had to keep talking and ignoring the turmoil wreaking havoc inside himself.
But then there was silence, broken by nothing, not even birdsong. Ennis looked down and so did Jack for a second or two, though the world seemed to have stopped turning around them. There was no more time and no more days left...They both willed the other to say something, though Jack was terrified of what they might say, but what could they have said? After all that had happened, there was so much yet at the same time, so little. Anything could be spoken though nothing must...
Finally though, a few words. The few words that changed everything. At last brought all that had occurred to a point. ‘’ Ah’ll guess ah’ll see you around then...’’ Ennis muttered.
Jack could only nod. What else could he have done? ‘’ Okay...’’ he replied, looking down again momentarily, trying to focus on something other than Ennis. He ended up subconsciously glancing up again. His heart obviously was telling him different things to his brain. He had found that out at least a month ago.
And that whole month just seemed to drift away as Ennis did, turning his back and slinging his bag over his shoulder. Jack closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than to block everything out, and opened the truck door, willing himself not to concentrate on anything else. That was it. The end of summer. Summer cut short anyway. It was happening and there was nothing else he could do. His last hope dashed.
Time to set off and go home. Wherever home was.
He didn’t look at Ennis as he drove past him. Couldn’t bare to. He wondered if he was looking back though. Probably not. This summer hadn’t meant a thing to him. Just a one shot...Probably. Jack couldn’t help thinking of the worst, though he wished they weren’t true. He would just have to forget about him. Ennis Del Mar. This shouldn’t have been as hard as it was.
He was just a ranch hand.
And he would never see him again.
That was the cold, hard truth.
This shouldn’t have been so damn hard.
Just one last look back in the mirror.
And that was it.
***
Ennis tried so hard to just walk away. Walk away and forget all about whatever had happened up on Brokeback. Jack Twist was gone and there was no use crying over spilt blood. Except he wasn’t going to cry.
He wasn’t going to cry.
But as he got further down the road, Jack Twist’s truck slowly fading into the distance, his legs began to give way. Something suddenly lurched in his stomach and the world immediately became hazy. He tried to fight it, as he had done with so many other things in his life, but this time, it was no use.
His knees beginning to buckle, he attempted to make his way calmly over into an alley yet as the seconds went on, he collapsed, trying to grasp the wall for support. He lost his balance, reduced to a heap and his stomach twisted again, making him retch involuntarily. He thought he was going to vomit but nothing came up. It hurt so much, inside and out and he could barely stand it.
So much did he ache, memories and thoughts overflowing in his mind that tears started to gather in his eyes. He fought them viciously, slamming his fist again and again into the wall, and he gagged again and again though still, nothing came up.
He didn’t know why this was happening.
How it had happened.
But this was it.
No going back now
TBC
.
How selfhood begins with a walking away
And love is proved in the letting go
- Walking Away (Cecil Day Lewis)