The Power of Love Chapter 12
Hey everybody out there, here's the twelfth chapter of the Power of Love! Hope you enjoy :)
Title: The Power of Love
Chapter: Chapter 12 - Doubt
Genre: Slightly AU at the moment/fluffy/angsty
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: Around PG I guess for this chapter
Warnings: A lil' angsty, mentions/hints of m/m sex
Summary: Ennis is again having doubts about his and Jack's relationship after a week or so of being with him
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters - they are the creation of Annie Proulx. The story of Brokeback Mountain is hers too - I’m just giving my version of it for no profit, just for fun and curiosity! J I don’t mean any disrespect at all ^^
Author’s Note: I’m adding parts, taking away parts, expanding parts, exaggerating parts and just plain making up some parts in this. I love the original Brokeback Mountain story so I’m not doing this to make it any better - I just wanted to do a multi chapter Jack/Ennis story and have some fun with them (again!)!
Feedback: That’d be fantastic!
Over the next week or so, Jack and Ennis returned the warmth and the comfort of the tent as much as possible. After their first sober night together, Jack asked Ennis to be a little kinder with him but that promise from Ennis seemed to mean nothing. Once they got going, there was no tenderness involved - desire drew them onward and even though it hurt most of the time, Jack learned not to complain. The pleasure that he got far overruled the initial pain. Ennis knew what he liked within a couple of nights of their passionate occasions in the tent.
Yet, even after the week had passed, Jack had never led. Ennis was always on top and when he had tried to penetrate him, he had quickly pushed him off, looking worried. After that, Jack didn’t push any further but he still wondered why Ennis had had that gaze in his eyes. Maybe it was he was frightened of getting hurt or something like that. Jack had certainly been his first time.
However, Ennis knew perfectly well what it was. He was terrified of penetration and it wasn’t just the pain that struck fear into his veins. Of course, he was scared very much of that but there was something much bigger. He thought that if he allowed Jack to lead and enter him, he would be giving himself over to him. Even after a week of sex with his companion and growing wonders, he was still trying to convince himself that he wasn’t queer. After all, he had pretty Alma waiting at home for him and she had no idea what was happening. That, along with the fact that Jack was another man, bothered him immensely. Basically, he was cheating on her and it would have been terrible if that person was a girl - let alone a guy. Deep down, he felt terrible and quite often, his emotions would get horrible tangled up. On one hand, what he was doing with Jack was amazing - he had to admit that, no matter how strange it sounded to him. The sensations he got when he was with the cowboy were mainly good ones and that thought lurked dangerously in the back of his head. Yet, on the contrary, he couldn’t get Alma out of his mind. He was marrying her in a couple of months and here he was having sex with a different person. That wasn’t the right thing to do - he knew that. But he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t know how and that scared him very much.
Plus, he felt that, if he allowed Jack to lead during their encounters in the tent (and sometimes outside in the camp when it was a warm evening), he would lose his sense of being a man. Something would be stolen from inside of him and it would then belong to Jack. He could try and forget about their experiences but really, Jack would have a part of him. He didn’t want that to happen at all. He was straight. He was straight. He was straight. That seemed to be his mantra at that point.
So, after a while, he started to try and convince himself that what was happening between him and Jack was merely a one shot thing - still. They were doing what they were doing because they were two lonely men up on a mountain, away from any girls, and they had needs. These needs drew them to each other and that was exactly why they were having sex at nights and sometimes in the mornings before work. It filled their desires for being with women and made them feel a little less alone. That was the explanation, that was the explanation, Ennis repeated again and again in his mind.
Yet he still wondered why Jack was so calm about this whole thing. Ennis guessed he probably didn’t have anyone at home, waiting for him, or that he was thinking the same thoughts about filling lonely needs. Whatever the reason though, he was very open and accepting about their times together and never seemed to be frightened of penetration or feelings (not that there were any, Ennis tried to say to himself). He let Ennis do anything to him and never complained (if the point when he asked him not to be so rough didn’t count). Sometimes, it drove Ennis mad that he was so tranquil, when his own mind was in turmoil, and he almost found it impossible to stand.
But what bothered Ennis the most was that there was something else. The times they were together, there was something else. He didn’t think he wanted to find out what that was.
***
Jack, meanwhile, was nowhere near as tense as Ennis. Of course, he was a little wary but he was an optimistic spirit and tried to think more of the good things than the bad things. And in his mind there were more positive things.
For one, it was lovely to have company up on the mountain. He knew Aguirre was a tough guy and wouldn’t have wanted him and Ennis to be together that much but rules were rules and he had had to go along with at least some of them. It had been annoying staying up in the pup tent yet since a week ago, he had been allowed to stop that, thanks to the Forest Service whom he now had a good deal more respect for. Now he had much more time with Ennis and he was grateful for any companion. He didn’t feel quite as lonely with him there and he helped him forget his troubles. Though he didn’t like to think of them anyway. But sometimes he couldn’t help it.
However, sex with Ennis was usually wonderful. Jack would have liked to lead once or twice but he didn’t know what to do or say about that. Ennis didn’t talk much anyway so Jack doubted he’d like to converse in subjects such as sex and intimacy. On some occasions, they couldn’t even get past beans.
Therefore, Jack hadn’t brought it up. He just took what was given to him and though it hurt at some points, he kept his mouth shut, only allowing muddled babbles of pleasure through during their times together. Ennis seemed okay with that, though he hardly ever uttered anything himself while they were having sex. It was impossible for them to keep completely silent but still, there was minimal noise from his companion and that bewildered Jack. That guy really didn’t like to talk, he thought.
But, usually, it didn’t bother him in a bad way. He had got used to Ennis not being the best converser and he hardly ever showed his emotions. That made him very hard to read yet Jack knew he wasn’t up on the mountain to get overly sentimental. However, he still had no clue whatsoever what was going on inside Ennis’s brain.
Sometimes though, he had no idea what was going on inside his. Usually, it was fairly clear but now and then, a thought or memory would come up that he wasn’t prepared for. And quite often, that thought or memory would be of a particular thing that he didn’t like to think about too much. For it hurt him and then he would begin to realise something even more painful.
Though, again, he tried not to let that thought penetrate his mind too often either. There was some things that were best left alone.
***
Also, over the next week, Jack and Ennis met the ranch hands that would be working more frequently with them. Their names were Russ and Cameron and they were big, no nonsense guys who got on with the task in hand and hardly spoke a word to anybody in the process. Jack had thought Ennis wasn’t much of a talker but after meeting them, he seemed to speak volumes.
Their encounter was brief yet Jack knew that, afterwards, he didn’t want to meet them again. They were unkind and rough and even though this was not unlike many ranch hands he knew, these two seemed to look down on him and Ennis like they were worse than them. They appeared arrogant and extremely unfriendly and the two cowboys knew the occasions when they would be working together wouldn’t be a walk in the park.
But although their companions weren’t the nicest people in the world, Ennis felt slightly glad that they didn’t talk much. He didn’t like to be around crowds he didn’t know and hated when they constantly talked to him as he hardly ever said anything back. Sometimes it was because he didn’t care but often it was because he didn’t know what to talk about. He hated conversations.
However, that wasn’t to say he liked the other ranch hands. In that brief meeting they’d had, they had treated him and Jack like dirt and might just as well as rode off on their horses without a look back. It was obvious they couldn’t care less and they’d rather be doing other things. Not nice guys at all.
So, due to this, Jack and Ennis ignored them back and tried to get them in as much mess as possible when working out on the fields with them.
That was fun.
***
One night though, the atmosphere in the camp took a turn for the worse. Darkness had just fallen and it had been a long day for Ennis and Jack, having done more than their fair share of work for the time off they had not the next day but the one after that (this was under Aguirre’s orders - he had to find some way around the Forest Service’s rules to his liking). Tired, the two ranch hands had trudged back up to the camp site and Ennis had clumsily made the soup he had got from the supplies man the Friday before. Jack had laid his head in his lap as he did this and Ennis struggled to let him go on, having been irritable after the doubting, fretting thoughts swarming around his head recently. He had tried to accept things and get on with work but it was becoming harder and harder to do so. It resulted in a growing worry in his mind, heart and gut. Jack had been the creator of it.
‘’ Mmmm, Enniiiissss...’’ Jack mumbled that evening, pulling Ennis’s hand up to pat his hair. ‘’ Mmm, you’re so comfy...’’
‘’ Jack, c’mon, ah cain’t make this damn soup if ya doin’ that...’’ Ennis grumbled.
‘’ Don’t care...Cain’t we jus’ got ta bed, Ennis?’’
‘’ Jack...’’
‘’ Ennis...’’ Jack looked up at him with big, blinking blue eyes, trying to seduce him into accepting his desire. Ennis’s mind didn’t change one bit.
‘’ Jack, jus’ sit up. Ah ain’t in the mood.’’
Jack paused and did as he was told a little, resting his arms across Ennis’s thighs as he laid on his front beside him. ‘’ What’s up, Ennis?’’ he asked gently, rubbing his forehead against his arm. ‘’ Don’t ya like this...?’’
‘’ Jack, c’mon. Ah don’ wanna talk about it.’’
‘’ Ennis, ya never wanna talk about anythin’. Ah hate watchin’ ya goin’ about those fields lookin’ like the world’s on yer shoulders. Lighten up a bit, friend.’’
‘’ Jack, ah ain’t here ta ‘lighten up’. Ah’m here ta git paid so me an’ Alma can go an’ have a proper nice wedding in November.’’
‘’ Don’t she ever git bothered bah you not sayin’ much?’’
‘’ Why would she?’’
‘’ Well, she’s gonna be yer wife, Ennis. Ain’t ya gonna tell her yer secrets?’’
‘’ What, like this one?’’ Ennis asked angrily, poking the fire rather aggressively. ‘’ What’s she gonna say about that?’’
‘’ Ennis, c’mon. Ah was only kiddin’ with ya.’’
‘’ Yeah, well...’’ Ennis suddenly slammed down the poker, turning to Jack with a burning look in his eyes. ‘’ Yer always kiddin’ aren’t ya? Don’t this mean anythin’ to ya - don’t what we’re doin’ bother ya in any way? Jack, we’re two men - this ain’t right! Cain’t ya see that?’’
‘’ Ennis, what’s the matter with you? Why are ya bringin’ this up all of a sudden? We been together like this for a while now.’’
‘’ Don’t say it like that, Jack! Ah ain’t ‘been t’gether with ya’! Ah’m ‘together’ with Alma, not you! Why are you doin’ this ta me?’’
‘’ Ennis, ah’m not doin’ -‘’
‘’ Well, we should jus’ stop anyway! This thing ain’t gonna go anywhere so, really, ah don’t know what ah’m worryin’ about! Ah’m not queer - ah have a fiancée - an’ ah’m gonna forget about you, Jack! This is still jus’ a one shot thing! Once we git down off this mountain, it’s not gonna matter anymore!’’
‘’ Ennis, ah think ya should calm down...C’mon, you should go ta bed...Yer all over the place.’’
‘’ Well, you did that ta me, Jack! Ah cain’t think straight anymore! Ah don’t know anythin’ an’ ah don’t want to! Jus’ leave me alone!’’
Jack sighed and tried to move closer to Ennis, knowing he was horribly confused about everything, reaching out to embrace him. Ennis, infuriated and bewildered, shoved him away and stood up, leaping back from his companion.
‘’ Ennis, ah’m tryin’ a’ help!’’
‘’ Well, ya not doin’ a very good job of it, Jack Twist! So far up on this damn mountain, ya’ve changed mah life fer the worse an’ ah...ah don’t know what ta do about it no more!’’
And with that, Ennis grabbed his things and hurried out of the camp, violently pushing back the branches of the trees in his way. Jack stood up and tried to follow him, but soon lost sight of him through the dense foliage and gave up desperately calling his name. He attempted eating, though he had lost his appetite, and in the end, he retired to the tent earlier than usual, hoping to lose himself in dreams.
But, really, he knew he wouldn’t get one minute of sleep that night.
TBC