(no subject)
a couple months after chris found out what was going on and started making me give him half of everything i bought (turned ot i wasnt the only one getting high before i went to diva's on tuesdays, while i was there chris was doing it with our roomate for at least 4 months), chris said we had to quit. i guess i didnt know about the psychological effects of withdrawal, and on top of that i was taking an antipsychotic drug that causes psychosis in 10% of the population. between the two i went insane.
i let a guy take advantage of me when i was fucked up, just so i could write a letter about it that i was going to give to sara that chris would find, like i planned, and think that i wanted it to happen so he would break up with me because i was a bitch and a slut. he believed that lie so well that to this day he still thinks i was the one who initiated sex with this guy. and if i ever try to tell him otherwise, im sure hed say im lying.
but something hadnt felt right, i felt like i didnt love him anymore, i ddint love myself. while he was at my house i started to slice up my arm, it hurt him more than anything to see it, but he finally left when i started screaming at him to just get out.
two days later i tried to kill myself with a heroin overdose. 3 bags at once of really top-grade stuff, 3 times in a row, the third with four bags. within 10 minutes i had done 10 bags. unforunately i didnt die, i dont know what went wrong. i passed out, woke up an hour and a half later with a splitting migraine and nauseusness, with a tolerance that had gone up profusly over a short period of time. unfortunately.
3 days later i got back together with chris after the guy i let take advantage of me once raped me while he was on coke and pot. that wasnt why we got back together, but i had realized how much i loved chris, and that i had just gone temporarily insane.
thats what chris is going through now. he feels like he doesnt love me anymore because when youve gotten high with someone for so long, whenever youre with them you feel much closer than you normally do, and alot more lovey/touchy feely. so of course, coing out of detox and last sumer when i was going through detox on my own, we were feeling the same thing, a lost connection, like something was missing. and all i can do is step back and wait for him to either a.realize that he does indeed love me and he needs to listen to what i'm telling him, b.just lt me go because honestly, it causing me severe stress, illness, and depression to have our relationship hanging by a thread and just letting him emotionally abuse me cuz thats what i need to let happen, or c.go get counseling like hes promised me he would a million times since we got home but hasnt yet done. im about an ich away from breaking up with him. but ive already mae that mistake once and i dont want it to happen again.
i let a guy take advantage of me when i was fucked up, just so i could write a letter about it that i was going to give to sara that chris would find, like i planned, and think that i wanted it to happen so he would break up with me because i was a bitch and a slut. he believed that lie so well that to this day he still thinks i was the one who initiated sex with this guy. and if i ever try to tell him otherwise, im sure hed say im lying.
but something hadnt felt right, i felt like i didnt love him anymore, i ddint love myself. while he was at my house i started to slice up my arm, it hurt him more than anything to see it, but he finally left when i started screaming at him to just get out.
two days later i tried to kill myself with a heroin overdose. 3 bags at once of really top-grade stuff, 3 times in a row, the third with four bags. within 10 minutes i had done 10 bags. unforunately i didnt die, i dont know what went wrong. i passed out, woke up an hour and a half later with a splitting migraine and nauseusness, with a tolerance that had gone up profusly over a short period of time. unfortunately.
3 days later i got back together with chris after the guy i let take advantage of me once raped me while he was on coke and pot. that wasnt why we got back together, but i had realized how much i loved chris, and that i had just gone temporarily insane.
thats what chris is going through now. he feels like he doesnt love me anymore because when youve gotten high with someone for so long, whenever youre with them you feel much closer than you normally do, and alot more lovey/touchy feely. so of course, coing out of detox and last sumer when i was going through detox on my own, we were feeling the same thing, a lost connection, like something was missing. and all i can do is step back and wait for him to either a.realize that he does indeed love me and he needs to listen to what i'm telling him, b.just lt me go because honestly, it causing me severe stress, illness, and depression to have our relationship hanging by a thread and just letting him emotionally abuse me cuz thats what i need to let happen, or c.go get counseling like hes promised me he would a million times since we got home but hasnt yet done. im about an ich away from breaking up with him. but ive already mae that mistake once and i dont want it to happen again.